The joke thread

[MPH]

Thomas the Train!

 

The annoying part of that is that I guess very few kids in England would know what a tank engine is if it wasn't for Thomas. It's like American's are unwilling (or unable ) to learn any new cultural references.

 

 

Honestly, i think they are just fighting hard to try and develop/ establish their own cultural referances... It really is quite a relatively new country i suppose...

[Jordan]

I've never known him as anything but Thomas the Tank Engine

Thanks to him and the rest of his friends, and having younger brothers that loved all that, I learned that what we call, "molasses," you call, "treacle."

Besides, there's just such a better cadence to saying, "Thomas the Tank Engine," than the dull, plain, "Thomas the Train."

[Trav Le Bleu]

You can say what you like about Jordan, but I've always liked him

[separator]

My wife looks exactly like a Bond girl.

 

Its just a shame its Judi Dench.

[Wycombe Fox]

English lesson at school.

Teacher asks for someone to stand up and recite a sentence that contains the word 'contagious'.

Young Jimmy at the back stands up and says "Our nextdoor neighbour was painting his big garden fence with a little brush and my Dad said it'll take the contagious"

[LCFC Rennie]

Me and my girlfriend were having sex when I said 'we should make a porn video'. She said 'no point, you can do it in a vine'.

[Beliall]

Me and my girlfriend were having sex when I said 'we should make a porn video'. She said 'no point, you can do it in a vine'.

[LCFC Rennie]

I've just started a band called 999 Megabytes.

 

We haven't done a gig yet.

[Trav Le Bleu]

I've just started a band called 999 Megabytes.

 

We haven't done a gig yet.

 

1,023

 

Though techincally 999 (or indeed anything below 1024) is correct.

[Tielemans63]

I was checking into a hotel the other week. At the counter, a guy in front of me said curtly to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."

Unbelievable what some people are into.

[Mike Oxlong]

It always feels better when you have a wank with a dead arm. Apparently I ruined the funeral.

[Beliall]

It always feels better when you have a wank with a dead arm. Apparently I ruined the funeral.

[Mike Oxlong]

Why do Morris Dancers wear bells?

So that blind people can tell they're cvnts too.

[Mike Oxlong]

Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm, so they decide to go see a doctor to find out why. After a number of tests, the doctor suggests Paddy's wife may be over heating during sex and recommends they buy a fan for the bedroom.

Paddy refuses to buy a fan and decides to get his mate round to waft a towel on them during sex. After about 20 minutes of wafting and still no orgasm, his friend suggests a swap. "I'll **** her, you waft the towel" he says.

Paddy agrees and within seconds Paddy's wife is screaming in pleasure and has the best orgasm ever.

Paddy pats his mate on the back and says "....and that my old son, is how you waft a ****ing towel!"

[Buce]

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest. "Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." "That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest. "It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man. "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest. "Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son," said the priest. The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?".

[LCFC Rennie]

Christmas....the only time of the year a guy can get away with saying 'don't look at my history on the computer.'

[Merging Cultures]

I saw a pirated movie today.

Out of 1-10, I'd give it 3.14.

[cambridgefox]

I see what you did there.

[Carl the Llama]

Look at you knowing Pi to 2 d.p.

[Merging Cultures]

Look at you knowing Pi to 2 d.p.

And that was from memory too!!

[Beliall]

I saw a pirated movie today.

Out of 1-10, I'd give it 3.14.

 

 

i was trying t ocorrelate the bible connection, too clever for me, but a good one

[Trav Le Bleu]

In 2001 Peter Taylor walks into a building society to get a mortgage for his new mansion in Rothley, but he bangs his way on the way in and passes out.

 

When he comes round he asks someone, "Where am I?"

 

"You're in the Nationwide mate," someone replies.

 

"What?! It's been four years?!"

[separator]

My wife bought a sheepskin burka for the cold weather.

 

She looks like mutton dressed islam.

[Webbo]

"Son, you're just not cut out to be a mime."

 

"Is it something I said?"

 

"Yes."

[MikeyT]

I left my last girlfriend because she wouldn't stop counting.

I often wonder what she's up to now?