The joke thread

[Webbo]

After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for 

the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist! 

 

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. 

"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude. 

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. 

"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. 

"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six 

generations" said Claude. 

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting 

 

"Watch the watch - Watch the watch Watch the watch" 

 

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. 

The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. 

A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently 

swaying watch. 

They were hypnotized. 

 

And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!! 

 

The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact! 

 

"SHIT!" said Claude. 

 

It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Center - and Claude 

was never invited back again. 

[Rincewind]

Like that one.Different.

[orangecity23]

Have you heard about the socially well adjusted horse?

 

He came from a stable home.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'll get my coat.

[cambridgefox]

Old one this

I was at the local swimming pool when Duncan Goodhew walked in,went to the deep end and dived in.

He seemed to be under for ages.When he surfaced he said to me" can you help me,my swimming trunks have come off?"

" Thank fook for that" I said" for a minute I thought you had split your head open"

I used to think he was brilliant when I was a kid.

[Webbo]

I'm typing this from memory so forgive if it's a bit crap.

 

 

 

 

 

A man's in a restaurant on holiday in Spain when all of a sudden there's a commotion at the next table.

The waiters, with huge ceremony, bring in a massive pair of bollox on a plate and hand it to the party sitting at the table.

 

The man asks the waiter what's going on," Senor, after a bullfight it is a  delicacy to eat the bull's testicals, it is a great honour and tradition."

 

"Well I'd like to try that if it's possible?"

 

"Of course senor, there is a bull fight tomorrow. If you come in tomorrow night we will arrange it for you"

 

The next night the man sits at the table anticipating and with great fanfare the waiters bring out the plate but it has a small pair of balls on it.

 

"What's this?Last night the dinner was much bigger" said the man.

 

"But Senor, the bull does not not always lose"

 

 

[Beliall]

[Webbo]

The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector who is also a very rich tycoon,

"I have some good news and, I have some bad news”.

 

 

The tycoon replies: "I've had an awful day so let's hear the good news first”.

The lawyer says:  “Your wife invested $50 in two pictures today that she figures are worth a minimum of $2 million”.

 

 

The tycoon replies enthusiastically, “Well done, very good news indeed! 

You've just made my day; now what’s the bad news?”

 

 

The lawyer answers:  “They are pictures of you screwing your secretary”.

[Merging Cultures]

A field was full of cows and one bull when an earthquake struck.

The farmer came running to see if the cows and the bull were OK. All the cows fell over, but the bull was still standing. Astonished, the farmer asked the bull how he was still standing. The bull answered, "we bulls wobble, but we don't fall down".

[jonthefox]

A field was full of cows and one bull when an earthquake struck.

The farmer came running to see if the cows and the bull were OK. All the cows fell over, but the bull was still standing. Astonished, the farmer asked the bull how he was still standing. The bull answered, "we bulls wobble, but we don't fall down".

Only people of a certain generation will get that ( like me).

[Merging Cultures]

Only people of a certain generation will get that ( like me).

My four year old has a set

[Rincewind]

I can;t be of the generation,

[Trav Le Bleu]

I can;t be of the generation,

 

Weebles Rince - you can't have missed them, we're going back to the 70s here

 

[Rincewind]

I  do remember them but never had any myself. It was a very vague connection though.

[Guest MattP]

My dyslexia has reached a new owl.

[The Doctor]

Turns out diarrhea is genetic - it runs in your jeans.

(Credit to my lecturer for that one)

[lcfcjw16]

Why did the one handed man cross the road?

To get to the second hand shop

[dayday]

Guy goes for a run,as he is running he sees a tennis ball on the road,so he picks it up and puts it in his shorts pocket.and carries on running.

As he approaches a set of traffic lights,a lady shouts whats that in your pocket,the guy replies it's a tennis ball,the lady replies you poor bastard I had tennis elbow once.

[Merging Cultures]

The Lone Ranger and Tanto are riding across the plain.

Tonto jumps off his horse, puts his head to the ground and says "buffalo come".

The LR looks around and says "you Indians are amazing. I can see for miles and there isn't one in sight, yet you can tell buffalo are headed this way just by listening to the ground?"

"No, ground sticky"

[kingcarr21]

 nice one merg

[Merging Cultures]

A drunk staggers into a Catholic church and enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention

but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles,

"ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"

[sphericalfox]

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

 

He finds his way to the bar and orders a shot of whiskey.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, do you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it's only fair that you should know five things since you're blind."

 

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a Billy-Club

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman to your right is a blonde professional wrestler.
5. The person to my right is a blonde weight lifter.

 

"Now think seriously, cowboy... Do you still want to tell that blonde joke?"

 

The cowboy sits and thinks for a second, then shakes his head.

"No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times..."

[Trav Le Bleu]

My wife said the other day that she wanted me to make her feel like she's the only girl in the world.

 

So I've become a serial killer.

[Webbo]

Two policemen  call their station

 

"Hello. Is that the Sarge?" 

 

"Yes?"

 

"We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean."

 

"Have you arrested the woman?" 

 

"No sir. The floor is still wet."

[Mike Oxlong]

I taught my Dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground...

We went from Barking to Tooting in about an hour.

[Stadt]

What's black, plastic and found in the bread bin?

Terry Pratchett's tv remote.