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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Beliall

Beliall

Posted
Posted

We played the away leg of our league cup final on Sunday.

Their pitch was a disgrace,covered in stones and pebbles.

But we won on aggregate.

 

 

My dad's been told he has asbestosis.

His response to that?:

"You'd better bury me when the time comes - it would take weeks to cremate me".

True story.

 

 

rep isnt working for me, lol at both

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Guest

Guest

Posted
Posted (edited)

Playing it safe here. Fill in the missing word.

What is the difference between Batman and a ---------- ?

Batman can go out without Robin.

Not playing that safe.

What was your nickname for Ricky Sappleton?

Edited by Guest
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Alf Bentley

Alf Bentley

Posted
Posted

My book on how to have sex with herbs has finally been published.

 

It was about fvcking thyme.

 

It's already been plagiarised, mate.

 

Phil Collins' book about masturbation with spices is out. It's called "Cumin in the air tonight"

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  • 3 weeks later...
The Blur

The Blur

Posted
Posted

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS: 

1. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax." 

2. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food." 

3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish." 

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price." 

5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room." 

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow." 

7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned." 

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared." 

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers." 

10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts." 

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun." 

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair." 

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller." 

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service." 

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners." 

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning." 

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel." 

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes." 

19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

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