The joke thread

[notnow john]

Took the old man for his denture appointment.When I picked him up

He was wearing his best suit,shirt and tie and highly polished shoes.Bloody hell dad it looks

like you're going to a wedding.

Well he said they told me I had to make a good impression.

[Trav Le Bleu]

Sometimes I like to put long words I don't really understand in my posts because I think it makes me look photosynthesis.

[Sharpe's Fox]

Bruce Willis is probably going to keep making action movies. Why? Well you know what they say about old habits.

[Carl the Llama]

Bruce Willis is probably going to keep making action movies. Why? Well you know what they say about old habits.

No?

[Trav Le Bleu]

No?

They're worn by old monks.

[Wycombe Fox]

Sepp Blatter is going to use all of his spare time to concentrate on improving his tennis game.

Rumour has it that his forehand is nothing special but his backhanders are feckin' amazing.
 

Edited 2 June 2015 by Isle of Wight Fox

[Wycombe Fox]

A husband takes his wife to a nightclub.

 

There's a guy on the dancefloor giving it large - break dancing, moon walking, backflips, the works.

 

The wife turns to her husband and says "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down".

 

The husband replies "Looks like he's still feckin' celebrating"

Edited 11 June 2015 by Isle of Wight Fox

[bovril]

My girlfriend left me after she caught me touching up pasta.

 

Now I'm feeling cannelloni.

[Trav Le Bleu]

I've just bought a new thesaurus and not only is it poor, it's really poor. In fact, it's very poor.

Edited 13 June 2015 by Trav Le Bleu

[Izzy]

Two flies on a piece of shit. One farts and the other says: 'do you mind, I'm eating!'

[Rincewind]

Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what.....

 

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.

He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?'

She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'

'Why?' he asked.

She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!'

'Let me see' he said.

'Okay' and she showed him..He looked and said, 'That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.'

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.
He said to the little girl,

'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!' She asked if she could look, so he showed her!

 

She said, 'Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!

Edited 14 June 2015 by Rincewind

[separator]

"Arse man or tits man?", I was asked.

 

I really should have got in there earlier when they were giving out super hero names.

[Wymsey]

Boris Johnson looked at his appointment card at a brothel and, as if by magic...

 

...his election campaign slogan was produced:

 

'BJ 4 PM'

[Tielemans63]

I went to see the doctor today....

"You need to stop masturbating for a short while Mr Smith"

"Why's that Doc?"

"Because I'm trying to examine you."

[Trav Le Bleu]

American women are awful when they're on their full stop.

[fuchsntf]

A woman is lying in bed waiting for her fella to come home and she hears a voice

 

'Izz you ready Liza?' and through the gap in the door appears the tip of a penis.

'I izz ready' Joshua' she replies.

Again a voice calls 'Izz you ready Liza?' and three inches appears.

Liza answers again 'I  am ready and waiting Joshua

Another call  and six more inches appears.

Liza answers with an excited tremour in her voice 'I -I  sur-re am ready darling

Another 3 inches appears and Liza shouts 'Now stop a-fooling about Joshua and get right on in here'

Joshua replies 'OK sweetheart I'm a-coming up the stairs now.'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'll get my coat

One of those, in The book of rugby jokes, 1950s,60s,70s....

[Alf Bentley]

My girlfriend left me after she caught me touching up pasta.

 

Now I'm feeling cannelloni.

 

 

You should try going out with that lass Anya, instead.

 

She might have been out with the odd pop star or footballer, but I wouldn't worry about Macca or Rooney

[Alf Bentley]

American women are awful when they're on their full stop.

 

 

Better than if they're in a comma with colon cancer, though.

[sphericalfox]

I went to the library today, 

I asked "Have you got the new book about tiny penises?". 

She said, "I don't think it's in yet.", 

I said, "Yes, that's the one."

[Parafox]

I asked my wife to get me some deodorant today

 

Do you want the ball type? She asked.

 

No, I replied, It's for under my arms

[Mike Oxlong]

What's 12 inches long and snaps a cvnt?

A selfie stick

[Bryn]

 

Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what.....

 

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.

He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?'

She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'

'Why?' he asked.

She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!'

'Let me see' he said.

'Okay' and she showed him..He looked and said, 'That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.'

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.

He said to the little girl,

'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!' She asked if she could look, so he showed her!

 

She said, 'Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!

 

 

 

This is a really weird joke.

[cambridgefox]

I was given a leaflet yesterday on anger management.

I lost it.

[Ollie93]

 

Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what.....

 

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.

He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?'

She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'

'Why?' he asked.

She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!'

'Let me see' he said.

'Okay' and she showed him..He looked and said, 'That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.'

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.

He said to the little girl,

'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!' She asked if she could look, so he showed her!

 

She said, 'Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!

 

 

This is a really really weird joke.

[Rincewind]

This is a really really weird joke.S

 

 

Specially selected for FoxTalk posters.

 

Really.

Edited 7 July 2015 by Rincewind