The joke thread

[Ollie93]

Exit Signs... They're on the way out.

[Webbo]

Somebody asked me to clean a dirty mirror, but I just couldn't see myself doing it.

[Ollie93]

Velcro .... what a rip off.

[kingcarr21]

Why did the monkey fall out the tree?

 

Cause it was dead

[yorkie1999]

The EU announced today that all future Euro notes will be printed on Greece-Proof paper.

[Stadt]

vichaiyawatt

[Mike Oxlong]

Life was so simple before I got married.

I had absolutely no idea there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge.

Edited 10 July 2015 by Mike Oxlong

[Carl the Llama]

Life was so simple before I got married.

I had absolutely no idea there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge.

I thought everyone knew that once opened, milk has magical properties that somehow allow it to drip out through the bottle cap if left lying down. 

[foxfanazer]

I rubbed Viagra on my eyeballs today because I'm told it will make me look hard

[Tinman]

 My local ice cream man was found unconscious on the floor of his van covered in hundreds and thousands. Police say he tried to top himself.

[Beliall]

I thought everyone knew that once opened, milk has magical properties that somehow allow it to drip out through the bottle cap if left lying down. 

 

 

but it does leak when lying down

[Carl the Llama]

but it does leak when lying down

That's what I'm saying.  It's milky voodoo.

[Beliall]

That's what I'm saying.  It's milky voodoo.

 

sorry i miss read your post, read it as sarcasm

[separator]

After complaints about its bright lights, my local Chinese restaurant has agreed to Dim Sum.

Edited 14 July 2015 by separator

[Izzy]

A chap came up to me on the street today and said; "it'll all get done by Friday you know!..."

"What will get done by Friday?" I replied..

"Robinson Crusoes washing" he smiled

[zante]

You wanna know about love ?

 

Love is like a fart ... If you have to push it...its prob gonna turn out to be shit.

[Parafox]

"This is Captain Paddy O'Brien, flight 101 from Dublin, mayday, mayday, we are losing power and altitude mayday..."

 

"Copy that Flight 101.. this is air traffic control, what is your height and position?"

 

"I'm 5 foot 4 and I'm sitting at the front"

[kristianity77]

The deputy speaker of the House Of Lords has been filmed snorting Cocaine off a hookers breasts and making racist remarks about Asian Women.  He is due to have a medical at Leicester City before signing a 3 year contract.

[Trav Le Bleu]

Scientists have discovered that dyslexia is hereditary, which means it's passed down in your NDA.

[Parafox]

"Well, Mr Parafox, you seem to have a small steering wheel attached to your testicles"

 

"I know doctor, it's driving me nuts"

[Carl the Llama]

"Well, Mr Parafox, you seem to have a small steering wheel attached to your testicles"

 

"I know doctor, it's driving me nuts"

So that's where Aranguiz is hiding.

[davieG]

A bit of an old one

 

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,

the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to
pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament
was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

[Mike Oxlong]

Got sacked from my job as a dealer at the casino last night.

I got a bit confused when one of the lady punters asked to see the flop.

[Stadt]

Australia's batting

[Trav Le Bleu]

At today's special ceremony to commemorate the 70th anniversary of Hiroshima, they took a quick headcount of attending survivors and it turns out there were twice as many as expected.