The joke thread

[Wherethefoxhat?]

A CORNED BEEF SANDWICH WALKS INTO A PUB

THE LANDLORD SAYS--"sorry-we dont serve food in here!!

[Nod.E]

What are the four worst things about being an egg?

1. You only get hard once

2. You only get laid once

3. You only get eaten once

4. And the only one who sits on your face is your mother

[Raj]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a

surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy

father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm

off now.

The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer

happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed,

"I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good.

Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in

and have a seat".

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one

on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes

the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for

Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.

But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six

or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd

love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be

disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a

portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you

consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to

get the job done right. People were crowding around four and

five deep to get a good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with

amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three

hours, too.

The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could

hardly

concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my

shots.

Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I

just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed

on your, uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my

tripod and we can get to work right away."

Tripod?"

Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.

It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted

[Raj]

Little five year old Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came

into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when two

people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him

the truth.

"It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the

other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma,

you got me in trouble, it isn't called sexual intercourse.

It's called Bunk Beds.

And Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you."

[Raj]

>After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was

>enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't

>strong enough to nick one.The husband went to his doctor and told him

>that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor

>told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the

>problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home,

>get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to

his ear and count to 10.

>The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in

>theworld,

>but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is

>going to help me." "Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor. So

>the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the

>can up to

>his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused,

>placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on

>his other hand. This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, parts of

>Bradford and anywhere in Wales.

[dhermon]

I rear ended a car this morning...

I knew it was going to be a REALLY bad day.

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!

He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT happy".

I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"

That's when the fight started!!!

[l444ry]

Voted the best Australian Joke of 2006

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news."

"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first?" The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks,"what's the good news.......?? The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share."

He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it. "Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?"

"Well," the Sarge says, "if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again.....!

[dhermon]

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs (for you city folks).

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch s bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result...the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making:

Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

[James.]

I have CDO. It's like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder just with all the letters in the right order. Like they should be.

How many eggs does it take to make an omelette?

One egg is un oeuf.

Edited 8 September 2007 by JTB

[Nod.E]

Mightve already been posted. Not sure and cannot be bummed with going through 20 odd pages checking.

Wife standing naked looking at herself in the mirror and says to hubby

" What is it that has made you like me all these years? My cute face or my sexy body? "

Hubby looks her up and down and replies

" your fooking sense of humour! "

[David O'Leary]

Mightve already been posted. Not sure and I cannot be bummed with going through 20 odd pages checking.

Wife standing naked looking at herself in the mirror and says to hubby

" What is it that has made you like me all these years? My cute face or my sexy body? "

Hubby looks her up and down and replies

" your fooking sense of humour! "

are you sure about that

[NorthernFox]

Just had a phone call from Pavarottis family, so I got straight to the point. Sheet of MDF £5.65, Glue £1.90, Handles & Screws £1.50, Varnish 95p. Thats how you make a coffin for a Tenor.

[NorthernFox]

Following the death of Pavarotti the Three Tenors will now be known as £20 Quid.

[The People's Hero]

I have CDO. It's like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder just with all the letters in the right order. Like they should be.

How many eggs does it take to make an omelette?

One egg is un oeuf.

Igbullient!

[Geo V]

Mightve already been posted. Not sure and cannot be bummed with going through 20 odd pages checking.

Wife standing naked looking at herself in the mirror and says to hubby

" What is it that has made you like me all these years? My cute face or my sexy body? "

Hubby looks her up and down and replies

" your fooking sense of humour! "

a Mike Reid Classic.

In memory of Mike Reid, I`ll try and remember some of his classics from the DVD. I never thought I`d like it as much as I did to be honest and cant work out why I even bothered to put it on but it was worth it as he was class.

One for the racists - A man asks an Irishman how many letters are in the alphabet. He responds "24". He says its no its not, its 26. The Irishman says no, I just blew up B & Q

This is typical Mike Reid ....

I still dont know why I like him. Maybe it was because he was brave enough to bone Patty Butcher.

[Raj]

Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training.

After the first day they met up in the bar...

"Ah, Pierre" asks one, "'ow 'av you been doing?"

"Merde!" answers Pierre. "I 'av 'ad a mos' terrible day.

Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed and on to ze parade ground."

"And zen what 'appened?" inquires his mate.

"I weel tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis silly leetle Platform five feet off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!".

"'And did you jump?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'im - "I am a French paratrooper. I do not jump five feet. It is beneass my dignity."

"And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb up zis silly leetle platform ten feet off ze ground, and 'e said "Jump!".

And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'im - "I am a French paratrooper. It is beneass my Dignity to jump ten feet."

"What 'appened zen?" asks his mate.

³Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform a 'undred feet above ze parade ground.

'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous willy, and 'e said: "If You do not jurmp, I am going to stick zis right urp your burm."

"Ooooh!" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?"

"A leetle bit, at ze beginning."

[Daggers]

Patient: Doctor, I'm having real trouble with my hearing.

Doctor: Really? What are the symptoms?

Patient: They're those yellow cartoon characters on the telly.

Edited 12 September 2007 by Daggers

[Wycombe Fox]

A gas fitter walked free from court today after being caught shagging a customers dog. The judge said there's nothing he could do, he's corgi registered.

Now...where did I put that coat

[Rincewind]

One for you young lads.

A teacher was reminding the class about the next days exams. 'Now I don't care if your grandmas ill, you fall and break both legs or theres a nuclear attack I want you all here at 9am sharp to take your exam, no excuses.'

One lad put his hand up 'What if I'm suffering from sexual exhaustion?'

After waiting for the classes laughter to die down the teacher replied 'Well Luke if that was the case I suppose you would have to use your other hand to do your exam.'

********************************************************************************

Any doctors out there?

A letter was received by the Times letter page.

Dear Sirs

I am a extremely experienced surgeon of 30 years standing. Recently I was struck off for making a mistake. I had sex with one of my patients. It was a one off occurrance which I now regret. Haven't the veteranry council got better things to do?

Edited 12 September 2007 by Nightguard

[Asha]

What do you call a chav in a box?

safe

What do you call a chav on the moon?

Problem

What do you call all the chavs on the moon?

Problem Solved

[Rincewind]

A shy young girl gets married and goes off on her honeymoon. During the night the mother gets a phone call.

'Mother its awful he keeps using four-letter words, its horrible'

'Now come dear it can't be that bad what words was he using?'

'I can't say mother they were too disgusting to repeat.'

'Come daughter have I not taught you that nothing can be sp horrid as not to share with your mother'

'But mother dearest....'

'Come on tell me what did he say I have been married nigh on 40 years you know, little shocks me now I have heard all the four letter words imaginable'

'OK mum, he used words like iron, cook, wash....'

[The People's Hero]

A shy young girl gets married and goes off on her honeymoon. During the night the mother gets a phone call.

'Mother its awful he keeps using four-letter words, its horrible'

'Now come dear it can't be that bad what words was he using?'

'I can't say mother they were too disgusting to repeat.'

'Come daughter have I not taught you that nothing can be sp horrid as not to share with your mother'

'But mother dearest....'

'Come on tell me what did he say I have been married nigh on 40 years you know, little shocks me now I have heard all the four letter words imaginable'

'OK mum, he used words like iron, cook, wash....'

Your jokes really are appalling.

[Rincewind]

Thank you.

[the_bowman]

Two parrots are sitting on a perch

One says to the other "can you smell fish?"

[Raj]

Teacher in class asks the kids

"Who said we will fight them in the air and on the beaches?"

A young indian lad puts his hand up in the air

"It was Sir Winston Churchill in 1940 Miss"

Another voice from the back of the class shouted

"Fcuk off home you black cvnt"

"Who said that?" asks the teacher

"Enoch Powell in 1965" came the reply!

SORRY!