The joke thread

[bovril]

Actually, I do feel titanic today........ I'm a wreck!

 

Pier pressure getting to you?

[Beliall]

you two are really cruising now, 

[Alf Bentley]

Pier pressure getting to you?

 

 

Why so stern?

 

No, I harbour no grudges. Just surfing the Web. Any port in a storm, you know...

 

 

Right, I'm stopping this right now. I'm even beginning to piss myself off..... I'm just talking complete rowlocks!

[bovril]

Right, I'm stopping this right now. I'm even beginning to piss myself off..... I'm just talking complete rowlocks!

 

Are you wave-ing goodbye?

[Alf Bentley]

Are you wave-ing goodbye?

 

 

Drowning, not waving. White horses wouldn't drag me back here.

[Mike Oxlong]

Just walked past my new BG fridge and thought I heard an onion singing. I was wrong, it was just a chive talking.

[Jonaldinho]

So what if I'm an apocalypse denier?

 

It's not the end of the world.

[Renart]

What is the best thing about Switzerland?

Well, the flag is a big plus.

[Wymsey]

I never knew Nigel Farage was married to a German Woman.

Typical, bloody foreigners, coming over here stealing our racists.

[MooseBreath]

I never knew Nigel Farage was married to a German Woman.

Typical, bloody foreigners, coming over here stealing our racists.

Excellent observation and a very cheeky quip. Great stuff buddy!

[Carl the Llama]

Just saw this on bbc live text:

 

Lord Stephen McKeown

stemck

What's the difference between Alan Shearer and Newcastle United? Shearer will still be on Match of the Day next season. #bbcfootball #jing
2:56 p.m. - 26 September 2015

[separator]

I was addicted to sex so I decided to go cold turkey. Now I've been banned from Iceland.

[Mike Oxlong]

I thought I hadn't been paying my wife much attention recently so, as it was her birthday on Friday, I decided I would give her a ring as a present.

Amazingly, that started another row. Because I rang her from the pub.

[Izzy]

My wife sent me a text saying she was in Casualty. So I sat down and watched it for 50 mins and didn't see her in it once. That was a few hours ago and she's still not back home. I wish she'd hurry up I'm bloody starving!

[Renart]

My cat is recovering from a massive stroke.

[Izzy]

My cat is recovering from a massive stroke.

I don't know why that made me laugh out loud, but it did.

[Hollism]

What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

People in Dubai don't like the flintstones, but Abu Dhabi dooooooo

[Parafox]

What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

People in Dubai don't like the flintstones, but Abu Dhabi dooooooo

 

Oy, stop nicking my joke! I posted that a couple of years ago. It's all I have according to Stix.  

[Renart]

Waiter, waiter there's a fly in my wine.

 

Well, you did ask for something with a little body in it.

[MPH]

My Neighbor came and knocked on my door this morning at 2.30am! Can you believe it, 2.30am!?  Luckily for him i was still up playing my drums.

[Renart]

Oxygen and Potassium had a joint party. It was OK.

[Trav Le Bleu]

The best thing about the new 5p plastic bag charge is that the cupboard under my sink is now worth £634.35p

[Alf Bentley]

I've always had an irrational fear of women named Phoebe and have suffered problems with pedestrian walkways and the poet Sylvia Plath.

 

I've also become obsessed with the idea that the singer of 80s group Japan and the New York Dolls guitarist are going to set up an upmarket woodland restaurant.

 

Yep, I'm a Phoebephobic pathopathic Plathopath with a Sylvian / Sylvain Sylvain sylvan silver salver complex complex

 

 

Better do some work....

[separator]

I was at a funeral today and asked the priest for the WiFi password.

 

"Have some respect for the dead!" he said.

 

"Okay," I replied. "Is that all lower case without spaces?"

[Mike Oxlong]

I don't know what I said to upset my colostomy surgeon, but he tore me a new arsehole.