The joke thread

[Renart]

My pencil isn't prone to making Freudian Slips, but my penis.

[Renart]

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day.

[Carl the Llama]

I didn't go to work today because of the new petting zoo across the road.  I told my boss I'm feeling a little horse.

Edited 14 October 2015 by Carl the Llama

[Izzy]

An Englishman walks into a bar. There's usually an Irishman, Scotsman and a Welshman too. But they're still at the Rugby World Cup

[Renart]

Which former Crystal Palace defender is now working in menswear for Marks & Spencer?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One Size Fitz Hall.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

..... Taxi for Renart.

[Aus Fox]

An Englishman walks into a bar. There's usually an Irishman, Scotsman and a Welshman too. But they're still at the Rugby World Cup

Haha there's never a Welshman, which might explain last nights game.

[Webbo]

Woman goes to the doctors: Doctor, my son's 16 years old and still only has a tiny penis, is there anything I can do?

 

Doctor: Funny you should ask, there's an article in this week's Lancet on just this subject. give him lots of toast everyday and you should see some improvement.

 

Next day the son gets up for breakfast and there's a plate of toast 2 foot high on the table.

 

Son:Is that all for me mum?

 

The top 2 are, the rest is for your dad.

[Izzy]

Irish 999 call:

 

An Irish woman is cleaning her husbands rifle and accidentally shot him.

 

Irish woman: "It's my fooken husband, I've accidentally shot him, I've fooken killed him!"

 

Operator: "Please calm down ma'am. Can you first make sure that he is actually dead?"

 

*click*....BANG

 

Irish woman: "O.K...I've done that... What now?"

[separator]

What do The Smiths spread on their toast for breakfast?

 

I don't know, but Johnny Marr might.

[Facecloth]

Last night police arrested a man for allegedly stealing a sign reading "& Emergency"

He was later released when he told them he found it by "Accident"

[Alf Bentley]

What do The Smiths spread on their toast for breakfast?

 

I don't know, but Johnny Marr might.

 

 

I heard that Johnny Marr intended to bring out a new album based on traditional English folk music.

 

However, he cancelled the release as he thought it sounded a bit too Morris-y.

[Wymsey]

I hate farmers, they're always spreading shit around.

[Alf Bentley]

I hate farmers, they're always spreading shit around.

 

 

I don't know. Some of them really are out standing in their field.

[Trav Le Bleu]

I don't know. Some of them really are out standing in their field.

 

Corny.

[Aus Fox]

I don't know. Some of them really are out standing in their field.

Playing with their hoes

[Trav Le Bleu]

Ploughing with their hoes

[Alf Bentley]

 

Ploughing with their hoes....and scattering the good seed on the land.....while they're out standing in their field, possibly.

 

 

Some people will rake up any old dirt.

 

Never mind the bullocks, we need an udder solution. There is no byre for all this swill.

[Carl the Llama]

Crop rotation.

[MPH]

Just had a call from my nephew. Said he can't live with his mum because she beats him. But he can't move in to his dad's because he beats him too. So I says to him " you need to move in with Chelsea, because they don't beat anyone!!!"

Badum.

Edited 25 October 2015 by MPH

[ozleicester]

Crop rotation.

was much more widespread after John

[Izzy]

My next door neighbor knocked on my door and accused me of stealing her underwear from her clothes line. I was so shocked, I nearly shit her pants.

[Countryfox]

My next door neighbor knocked on my door and accused me of stealing her underwear from her clothes line. I was so shocked, I nearly shit her pants.

 

Thats just not funny.     But d'you know what ...   I never did it again after that.

[Renart]

Have you ever tried to eat a clock?

 

 

It's very time consuming.

[Renart]

I'm thinking of writing a play about puns.

 

It's going to be called 'Puns: a play on words'.

Edited 29 October 2015 by Renart

[Renart]

Did you hear about the two guys that stole a calendar? 

 

 

They each got 6 months.