The joke thread

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What's a Muslim's favourite pop group?

Quran Quran

[Countryfox]

Copied from a pub toilet in Lutterworth. 

[sphericalfox]

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson.

He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy."

Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say : "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Grandad says again in a controlled voice : "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."

Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says :

"It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad."

"Thanks," says the grandpa. "But I am William. The little bastard's name is Kevin."

[Countryfox]

One day the Farmer says to his wife

 

"Tomorrow lady, you, me and t'dog are goin' shootin'"

 

"But I don't wanna go shootin'" says the wife

 

"Listen to me lady" says the Farmer ...   "tomorrow, you, me and t'dog are goin' shootin'"

 

"But you know I don't like shootin'.  I hate shootin !!'.  I'd do ANYTHIN' rather than go shootin'"

 

"Oh ANYTHIN' is it?" says the Farmer. "Well in that case you've got two choices"

 

With that he drops his trousers and takes out his John Thomas,

 

"You can either 'ave this in yer mouth or up yer arse"!

 

"Oh all right" says his wife "I'll 'ave it in me mouth"

 

He shoves his cock in her mouth.

 

"Ooh yer dirty bugger" she says "It tastes of shit!"

 

"I know" says the Farmer "T'dog didn't want to go shootin' either"!

[Trav Le Bleu]

I decided to really enter into the spirit of Halloween last night.

 

I put a sign on my door saying, "If you knock on my door, I'll stab you!"

[Karljohn]

was much more widespread after John

I knew it, I bloody knew it!

[ozleicester]

I knew it, I bloody knew it!

 

You didn't, you didn't, you said "1172"! That's not a bit like "John".

[Parafox]

I saw a guy the other day, pouring a fizzy drink over his jumper.

 

I asked him what he was doing.

 

He said "it's m'cardy and coke"

 

 

 

 

 

I've got a job answering the phone in a jaundice clinic...

 

Yyyellow?

 

 

 

 

I like Beyoncé. She's a real help with swimming lessons.

[jonthefox]

I saw a guy the other day, pouring a fizzy drink over his jumper.

I asked him what he was doing.

He said "it's m'cardy and coke"

I've got a job answering the phone in a jaundice clinic...

Yyyellow?

I like Beyoncé. She's a real help with swimming lessons.

Crap . All three of them .

[Parafox]

Crap . All three of them .

 

Yeah? Well, like the Egyptian optician, Waddu Eyecare

[Alf Bentley]

Yeah? Well, like the Egyptian optician, Waddu Eyecare

 

 

I went there once and was mystified that they had a car horn outside instead of a doorbell.

 

"Toot an' come in", the bloke said.

[Andrelton]

One day I decided to memorize one joke so I'd have one when people asked. Eventually found one I liked. So here's my only joke:

 

What happens if you don't pay your exorcist?

-- You get repossessed.

[Parafox]

One day I decided to memorize one joke so I'd have one when people asked. Eventually found one I liked. So here's my only joke:

 

What happens if you don't pay your exorcist?

-- You get repossessed.

 

There's 186 pages of jokes here, take your pick. I'm sure you'll find one as good as that.

[Andrelton]

There's 186 pages of jokes here, take your pick. I'm sure you'll find one as good as that.

 

As good maybe... surely not better? 

[Izzy]

I went to the doctors suffering from premature ejaculation.

He said "it must be very stressful for your wife?"

I said "to be perfectly honest, it's getting on her tits"

[kingcarr21]

I get people with this all the time.

 

'I cant believe after all the shit they've got back together'

 

(Wait for response from someone asking who?)

 

'My arse cheeks'

 

[Alexikokopops]

One day I decided to memorize one joke so I'd have one when people asked. Eventually found one I liked. So here's my only joke:

 

What happens if you don't pay your exorcist?

-- You get repossessed.

 

My go to joke is always:

 

A man went to a zoo and there was just one dog. It was a shih tzu.

[Alf Bentley]

I went to the doctors suffering from premature ejaculation.

He said "it must be very stressful for your wife?"

I said "to be perfectly honest, it's getting on her tits"

 

 

I went to the doctors suffering from premature ejaculation.

I knocked on the door and the doctor shouted "Come!"

I'm banned from that surgery now.

 

 

My go to joke is always:

 

A man went to a zoo and there was just one dog. It was a shih tzu.

 

 

That one could even run to a tongue-twister:

"How many shits do two shih tzus do if two shi htzus do two shits in a shit zoo?"

[notnow john]

My most repeated is

You'll never guess who I bumped into in Specsavers

Everybody.

[Parafox]

 

 

 

 

That one could even run to a tongue-twister:

"How many shits do two shih tzus do if two shi htzus do two shits in a shit zoo?"

 

Clever, that.

[Julian Joachim Jr Shabadoo]

My most repeated is

You'll never guess who I bumped into in Specsavers

Everybody.

 

Never heard that one. Yoink!

[Mike Oxlong]

The woman who snorted the ashes of a deceased relative up her nose like cocaine has been arrested by the Police.

She has been charged with possession of half a gran.

[Tielemans63]

I can remember being sat in a Norfolk cinema watching Back To The Future and thinking, "****ing hell, he's going to end up shagging his Mum!"

Luckily the usher spotted them and chucked them out.

Edited 6 November 2015 by Paddy.

[Izzy]

I can remember being sat in a Norfolk cinema watching Back To The Future and thinking, "****ing hell, he's going to end up shagging his Mum!"

Luckily the usher spotted them and chucked them out.

 

That my friend, is fvckin hilarious!!  

[Rincewind]

For those who are happily married.

 

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman.
The house was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love so he asked the wife to move out and then he would buy her another place.
The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there, to pack up her things.
While he was gone, the first day she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit dining table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
The husband came back, with his new girl, and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started; slowly but surely.
Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad. They tried everything; cleaned & mopped and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced, and on it went.
Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move.
The moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home ... including the curtain rods.