The joke thread

[MooseBreath]

Oh no but then it's going to smell at their new place too

[General Smuts]

My FB status 3 years ago today.

[separator]

Jose Mourinho really is 'The Special One'....

 

Unbelievably, he's managed to make it so that 'Made In Chelsea' is only the second worse thing from that part of London. 

Edited 8 November 2015 by separator

[Trav Le Bleu]

My go to joke is always:

 

A man went to a zoo and there was just one dog. It was a shih tzu.

Classic.

[Tielemans63]

This morning I was watching a young lady having a hard time getting her car out of a tight space, so I offered to help.

"Oh piss off!" she yelled. "I can do it myself."

"Please, I insist," I said, "This is my living room after all."

[Great Boos Up]

This morning my wife found out I'm a transvestite! She told me to get out!

So I packed her clothes and left !
 

[Mike Oxlong]

My mate hates it when I put his chocolate bars in other chocolate bar wrappers.

It gets his Snickers in a Twix.

[notnow john]

My wife and I both downloaded a sexual tequnique manual.

She wasn't happy when I'd finished and she was only halfway through!

Edited 11 November 2015 by notnow john

[bovril]

Yeah? Well, like the Egyptian optician, Waddu Eyecare

 

Reminds me I went to my optician last week to tell him I think I'm a moth.

 

"But I'm an optician," he said.

 

"I know," said I, "but your light was on."

[Countryfox]

There was an Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a Welshman ....      an Egyptian, a Pole, a Swede, an American, a Lithuanian, a Belgian, a Norwegian, an Australian, a Jamaican, a Nigerian ....        an Israeli, a Dane, a Bulgarian ....       and a Russian ....       standing outside a nightclub.       And the doorman says,     "Sorry you can't come in cus you haven't got a Thai".

 

 

[Thats a life time ban for me on the way ! ].

[Mike Oxlong]

George Michael was found slumped at the wheel of his Range Rover last night, naked and covered in chocolate. When questioned by police he said the incident had been caused by a careless Whispa.

[Alf Bentley]

George Michael was found slumped at the wheel of his Range Rover last night, naked and covered in chocolate. When questioned by police he said the incident had been caused by a careless Whispa.

 

 

I heard a slightly different story.

 

I heard that he was arrested for shoplifting at a confectioners. He was holding a carton of juice and had orange chocolate smeared around his mouth.

 

As police took him away, he was singing "Club, Tropicana, drinks are free...."

[Mike Oxlong]

I heard a slightly different story.

 

I heard that he was arrested for shoplifting at a confectioners. He was holding a carton of juice and had orange chocolate smeared around his mouth.

 

As police took him away, he was singing "Club, Tropicana, drinks are free...."

Jeez, that was some effort

[Beliall]

My girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games

 

What a ridiculous thing to Fallout 4

 

 

 

 

 

(from facebook)

[Rincewind]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne..
The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.
'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'

[daib0]

Here's a story for you all

 

 

Once upon a time there was a King who wanted to go fishing.

 

He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather

forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there

was no chance of rain in the coming days.

 

So the King went fishing with his wife, the Queen. On the way he met

a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the King the farmer said, "Your

Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a

short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".

 

The King was polite and considerate; he replied: "I hold the palace

meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and

experienced professional, and besides, I pay him very high wages. He

gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on

my way." So he continued on his way.

 

However, a short time later, an absolutely torrential downpour of rain fell from the sky. 

The King and Queen were totally soaked and, well, their entourage chuckled upon

seeing them in such a shameful condition.

 

Rather furious, the King soon returned to the palace and gave the order to sack

the professional upon immediate effect.

 

He then summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role

of royal forecaster.

 

But the farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about

forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my

donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."

 

So the King by-passed him and hired the donkey.

 

And thus began the practice of hiring dumb *sses to work in the

government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

 

And what's more, the practice is unbroken to this date...

[Vacamion]

[edited, as my original post has no context, now that the post above was moved into the joke thread]

Edited 15 November 2015 by Vacamion

[FerrisBueller]

Did you hear about the thieves that have been targeting garden perimeters and leaving obscene comments directed at the homeowner?

Offence Taken

[Parafox]

On a brighter note, Ikea Paris has reported a boost in the sales of candles

[ramboacdc]

On a brighter note, Ikea Paris has reported a boost in the sales of candles

too soon? 

[Tielemans63]

Hearing they've found a cure for dyslexia is like music to my arse.

[Trav Le Bleu]

Where do you get your eyes tested in Skyrim?

At the opfalmertist!

Very few people will get this joke, much less find it funny.

[Mike Oxlong]

George wakes up in hospital after a serious operation.

"I have good news and bad news," says the doctor. "The good news is that we managed to save your testicles."

"Thank God," says George. "And what's the bad news?"

The doctor replies, "they're in a bag under your pillow."

[Rincewind]

.Jock and a Englishman were flying from Edinburgh when the stewardess approached. "May I get you something?" she asked. 

" Aye, a whusky" Jock replied.
She poured him a drink then asked the Englishman if he'd like one. 
" Never!" he said sternly. "I'd rather be raped and ravished by whores all the way to America than drink whisky!"
Jock hurriedly passed the drink back, saying "Och, Ah didna ken there wuz a choice!"

Edited 21 November 2015 by Rincewind

[Len Finsbury]

HIGNFY is good tonight. Paul Merton is on form.

 

I don't get it.