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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Countryfox

Countryfox

Posted
Posted

I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said   "Do you want some potatoes ?"  ....     and I said    "I'll just have one please".     She said   "Its OK you don't have to be polite"   so I said,  "Oh alright,  I'll just have one please you fat cow !".

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Webbo

Webbo

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Dave was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”

“No problem boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.”

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and Tom Cruise shouts, “Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!”

Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

“No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says.

“The President,” his boss quickly retorts.

“Yup,” Dave says, “Old buddies, let’s fly out to Washington,” and off they go. At the White House, the President spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.”

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

“The Pope,” his boss replies.

“Sure!” says Dave. “I’ve known the Pope for years.” So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican’s St. Peter’s Square when Dave says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.”

He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him, “What happened?”

His boss looks up and says, “It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, ‘Who the hell is that on the balcony with Dave?’

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davieG

davieG

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This an oldie that's just popped into my memory bank.

 

 

 

There's two tramps ambling down a country lane neither having eaten for several days when the happen across a roadkill rabbit. 

 

One of the tramps drops down on his knees and starts pulling bits of raw flesh off the bone and gulping it down.

 

He pauses for a moment and turns to the other tramp and offers him some but he says no way could he eat that.

 

The tramp finishes off the rabbit and they continue down the road.

 

After a short while the tramp that had eaten it starts heaving and puking it all back onto the road.

 

At which point the 2nd tramp dives on to it and starts eating it.

 

The puking tramp shouts hey I thought you said you couldn't eat it.

 

Between mouthfuls of regurgitated  rabbit he replies that's because it was cold.

 

 

Sounds better when your telling it. :)

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Izzy

Izzy

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There are some horrible bastards about.

I heard a cat crying outside so I opened the door and saw four blokes in Man Utd shirts playing football with it.

I was just about to call the RSPCA when the cat went 1-0 up.

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Buce

Buce

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Ho Chow calls work, and says, "I no work, boss. Headache. Stomach ache. Bad leg. I sick. I no come work".

The boss says, "Now look, Ho Chow, I really need you in today. Whenever I feel unwell, I ask my wife for sex, and afterwards I always feel better. Try that".

A couple of hours later Ho Chow calls back. "I do what you say", he says, "feel great now. I come work soon....... you got nice house".

Edited by Buce
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MPH

MPH

Posted
Posted (edited)

Jamie Vardy knock on Claudios office door.

 

 

 

" come in!" Claudio shouts and in walks Jamie.

 

" Claudio, i just wanted a quick chat with you.... its about the Chelsea game... Well i just wanted you to know that i am 100% convinced i can win the game by just playing on my own. They are just that bad. They really are. I don't even need anyone else on the pitch. In fact, just give everyone else the night off. Even yourself. Just go take a holiday. Honestly you wont regret it. I'm on a hot streak right now and I KNOW i can win just by myself"

 

Claudio looks surprised... But he thinks for a minute...

 

 

" well Jamie, you do have a point... Chelsea ARE playing really badly right now... and you are on fire! And i'll be honest... I do need a holiday.. ,,,, my tan is starting to disappear... but on your own? are you sure?

 

" Yes boss! i'm telling you! it will be so easy! They won't be able to get anywhere near me! Word has it John Terry has just ordered himself a Zimmer frame".

 

 

" well Jamie, i'm taking a bit of a risk here, but i'll trust you... ok. I'm going to go book myself a holiday and good luck for the game tomorrow."

 

 

" cheers boss... I won't let you down!"

 

Next day comes and Claudio checks himself into the hotel and heads straight to the beach. He takes his mobile with him  to check on the score... he sits back in his deck chair with the game about to start and hes feeling a little nervous as he's not done this kind of thing before.. The game kicks off, Takes a Sip of Singha and checks his phone. 30 Seconds in and Jamie has scored. Leicester are winning 1-0

 

" Nice one Jamie! " he says  and takes a sip of his beer " i'm sorry i ever doubted you!" He puts his phone down, closes his eyes and falls asleep with a smile on his face.

 

 

Claudio wakes up from his nap and reaches for his phone.. he looks at the time and realizes the match will of just finished.He loads up the BBC sports app to check the score and his Jaw just drops. Chelsea equalized in the 90th minute and the game finished 1-1 He Dials Jamie immediately and a disconsolate Jamie picks up the phone in the dressing room.

 

 

"Jamie!! What happened! i just saw the score! You told me you could win it!!! What happened?!!? "

 

 

" I'm so so Sorry boss I'm Sorry i let you down... please forgive me... I got sent off in the 3rd minute!"

Edited by MPH
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yorkie1999

yorkie1999

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Just thought I would share this sobering message with you all...

With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience  about drinking and driving.
I, like many others,  have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with
friends. Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by an after dinner liqueur. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.
Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.

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Countryfox

Countryfox

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Burglars are getting very clever nowadays.   I was in bed last night when my wife woke me up and said  "Darling wake up, I think there's a burglar downstairs, go and check !".   So I got out of bed and went downstairs.    I checked every room and there was nobody there.    And then suddenly I remembered  ...   I haven't got a wife !!     So I dashed back upstairs but it was too late ...  The bed had gone.

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Buce

Buce

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The Police just called at my door, and showed me a photo.

"Is this your wife sir?", they asked.

"Yes", I replied.

"Well, I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but it looks like she's been hit by a truck".

"I know", says I, "but she's great with the kids..."

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MPH

MPH

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Was sitting in Dave's house having a beer with him. His daughter came downstairs and asked him for some help with her maths homework so he's there helping her

 

It scared me so much that I had to call the police.

 

 

 

 

 

Everyone knows you shouldn't drink and derive

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