The joke thread

[Great Boos Up]

At school I was taught to learn my history. Now I make sure I delete it!

[Beliall]

I also have an inferiority complex...

..but it's not a very good one.

 

 

How is a woman like a condom?

Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

 

 

What's the difference between a washing machine and a woman?

You can dump your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week, asking if you love it..

 

[Buce]

What's the difference between a woman and a refridgerator?

A refridgerator doesn't schlurp when you take your meat out..

[bovril]

What's the difference between a woman and a refridgerator?

A refridgerator doesn't schlurp when you take your meat out..

 

[Rincewind]

Patrick call at a garage  and sees a notice that says 'Fill up and get free  sex' So he asks the proprietor  about it.

;'Pi'ck a number between 1  and 10'

'6' says Patrick

;Sorry its 7'

Patrick goes away and  returns the following week with his mate Matt and has another go choosing 2'

'Sorry' Says the proprietor 'its 3;'

Patrick turns to Matt and says ;I reckon this is a  con'

Matt shakes his head and says 'No it isn;t  my wife won twice last week.'

 

 

Names changed to avoid stereotyping..

Edited 15 January 2016 by Rincewind

[Izzy]

I went to the Doctors cos my foot was hurting.

He took one look at it and said: "GOUT!!"

I said "****in hell Doc, I've only just walked in!!"

[Izzy]

Took my wife to the Doctors today to sort out her Tourette's. Turns out she doesn't have it. So I am a cvnt and she really does want me to fvck off.

[Alf Bentley]

The worst pub I ever went to was called The Fiddle.

It was a vile inn.

 

 

I heard about that pub. Instead of pints, they serve beer in quarts.

 

So you can order a Double Bass. 

[Countryfox]

I heard about that pub. Instead of pints, they serve beer in quarts.

 

So you can order a Double Bass.

The missus who s fannying around getting ready to go out thought that was hilarious Alf. No accounting for taste.

[Alf Bentley]

The missus who s fannying around getting ready to go out thought that was hilarious Alf. No accounting for taste.

 

 

I've always made women laugh. Not sure that's a good thing.

[Facecloth]

I've always made women laugh. Not sure that's a good thing.

Were they pointing at you at the same time?

[Countryfox]

Were they pointing at you at the same time?

Fook me flannel she thought that was funny too ! Anyway, she's finally ready so we're off now ...

[ozleicester]

The worst pub I ever went to was called The Fiddle.

It was a vile inn.

 

 

I heard about that pub. Instead of pints, they serve beer in quarts.

 

So you can order a Double Bass. 

 

Dangerous place though, every time ive been.. there has been treble

[Merging Cultures]

Dangerous place though, every time ive been.. there has been treble

It's expensive too, I heard all the drinks cost a tenor Edited 18 January 2016 by Merging Cultures

[Merging Cultures]

It's also so smokey in there it's often difficult to breve.

[ozleicester]

It's also so smokey in there it's often difficult to breve.

mind you, with the smoky darkness and all the grog flowing, its easy to score

[Merging Cultures]

mind you, with the smoky darkness and all the grog flowing, its easy to score

Look at you waltzing in like you've conducted similar escapades before.

[Buce]

I heard about that pub. Instead of pints, they serve beer in quarts.

So you can order a Double Bass.

Business is tough in the licensed trade, though, so they've diversified into selling hardware - last time I was there, I bought a tuba glue. Edited 18 January 2016 by Buce

[Alf Bentley]

Dangerous place though, every time ive been.. there has been treble

 

True enough. I went in once and 2 conductors were laying into one another with staves.

 

It's expensive too, I heard all the drinks cost a tenor

 

Not in the snug where Transvestite Tony hangs out, wearing his falsettos and watching Italian-American crime dramas on TV. There's always a cheap beer if you don't mind watching The Sopranos in the Bar O'Tone.

Don't ask to change the channel, though, or you might end up singing castrato.

 

It's also so smokey in there it's often difficult to breve.

 

Just a minim, MC. No need to quaver or get crotchety. Just ask behind the bar and they'll lend you a gas mask so you can semibreve.

 

mind you, with the smoky darkness and all the grog flowing, its easy to score

 

Yep, especially at Christmas with all the mistletoe and wine. Even Clef scored last year. He was two sheets to the wind, mind.

 

Look at you waltzing in like you've conducted similar escapades before.

 

Just a minuet again, MC. I don't want to go through the whole fandango, but you're talking a load of bolero. It's certainly better than a polka in the eye with a blunt stick.

 

Business is tough in the licensing trade, though, so they've diversified into selling hardware - last time I was there, I bought a tuba glue.

 

Business is looking up since they hired that Marseille jazz band. The female alto soloist gives everyone the French horn. She's only interested in one thing: sax. 

 

Don't want to blow my own trumpet, but they were my recommendation.....and all the manager ever gave me was an ice-cream cornet and a set of champagne flutes. The bloke's a complete bassoon! 

[Carl the Llama]

Music and shit.

[Alf Bentley]

Music and shit.

 

 

Try Sheehan's. I think they might have a toilet for customer use.

[MPH]

Seems  like my sister has been to that pub. Met her boyfriend there.  She said its the best relationship she has ever had.

 

 

 

No strings attached.

[Countryfox]

Went into a pet shop the other day and asked for a fish. The bloke said "Do you want an aquarium ?" and I said I don't mind what star sign it is.

[MPH]

Went into a pet shop the other day and asked for a fish. The bloke said "Do you want an aquarium ?" and I said I don't mind what star sign it is.

 

 

on a scale of 1-10... not very good...

[separator]

"Any two-watt bulbs?"

 

"For what?"

 

"That'll do, I'll take two."

 

"Two what?"

 

"I thought you didn't have any."

 

"Any what?"

 

"Yes, please."