The joke thread

[Countryfox]

on a scale of 1-10... not very good...

Will try harder next time.

[MPH]

Will try harder next time.

 

 

SCALE, my friend, SCALE

[Buce]

A man goes out drinking one night and gets blackout drunk. He wakes up the next morning to find that he has lost his credit card. He needs to get it back but he got so drunk he doesn't remember which bar he ended up at. The only thing he remembers is that the bar had a golden toilet. He walks into town and goes into one bar and asked the bartender, "Excuse me, this is a weird question, but do you happen to have a golden toilet here?"

"A golden toilet? I don't think so," the bartender said, giving him a strange look. The man walked into another bar,"Excuse me, you don't happen to have a golden toilet here, do you?" said the man.

"A golden toilet, huh? Don't be ridiculous." This continues all day until finally the man walks into a bar all the way on the other side of town. He asks the bartender: "Excuse me, I know this is going to sound strange, but do you have a golden toilet here? I got really drunk last night and left my credit card at a bar with a golden toilet."

The bartender smiles, turns around and yells, "Hey Bill, I think we found the guy who took a shit in your tuba!"

[Mike Oxlong]

SCALE, my friend, SCALE

Don't think he understood that you thought it was a load of codswallop.

[Buce]

A horse walks into a bar.

The barman says, "Why the long face?"

[Countryfox]

Don't think he understood that you thought it was a load of codswallop.

Ah that's what he meant !! .... Well 2 people liked it anyway !

[Wolfox]

Dark humour is like food...

Not everybody gets it

[Countryfox]

Dark humour is like food...

Not everybody gets it

How does this one rate MPH ? ....

[Aus Fox]

A horse walks into a bar.

The barman says, "Why the long face?"[/quote

The old nag at homes been giving him grief.

He made an ass of himself in front of the white horse the other night.

[Trav Le Bleu]

A white horse walks into the pub.

 

The barman says, "Hey, our pub is named after you!"

 

The horse replies, "What? Eric?!"

Edited 19 January 2016 by Trav Le Bleu

[MPH]

 Why did the cow return to the Marajuana field?

 

 

 

It was the Pot calling the cattle back.

[Countryfox]

Why did the cow return to the Marajuana field?

 

 

 

It was the Pot calling the cattle back.

Superb !

[Buce]

A recent study has shown that women who carry a bit of extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

[Buce]

I thought about asking God to make me rich, but I know He doesn't work like that.

So I robbed a bank and prayed for forgiveness.

[Countryfox]

I went to the doctors and he said " You've got hyperchondria " .... And I said " Not that as well !!".

[Izzy]

Wife says to me, "Do you wanna change positions tonight then?"

I said "Hell yeah baby!"

She says: "OK good, you do the dishes and I'll sit on the sofa and fart"

[Countryfox]

Went to buy a watch the other day and the bloke said " Analogue ? " And I said " No just a watch ".

[Izzy]

Went to buy a watch the other day and the bloke said " Analogue ? " And I said " No just a watch ".

Ahh, the spirit of Tommy Cooper is alive and well I see

[Countryfox]

Ahh, the spirit of Tommy Cooper is alive and well I see

Think it's Tim Vine to be honest Muzz .... King of the one liners !

[Buce]

What's the difference between a kidney bean and a chick pea?

I wouldn't pay £30 to have a kidney bean on my face..

[separator]

Took the girlfriend out for a romantic meal last night and played footsie under the table while we were eating. I had a lovely steak and she got toed in the hole.

[Jazzy_Jeff]

I used to own a racing snail. It never won though.

 

I thought to improve its performance I'd remove its shell.

 

If anything, it made it more sluggish.

[Parafox]

My dad worked as a highways maintenance engineer for 30 years until he got sacked for stealing.

 

I couldn't believe it at first but when I got home, all the signs were there.

[Parafox]

There's a lot of Tim Vine's material on here.

[MPH]

There's a lot of Tim Vine's material on here.

 

 

 

Probably my favorite comedian.