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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Rincewind

Rincewind

Posted
Posted

A topical one.

Three friends off Foxestalk Ultra, Fez and The Peoples hero decided to join the foriegn legion. After 6 months they had had enough of life without watching Leicester play so they decided to dessert. They didn't get far and were soon captured and sentenced to hang. Ultra was first and he bravely stepped up to the gallows. The hangman pulled the lever but the trapdoor failed to open The captain told Ultra that he could go free. Fez was next and the same thing happened and he was allowed to go free. Then TPH stepped up to the gallows. As he was having the noose put around his neck he looked up to the heavens as if to pray and ask God for guidance. He looked around and waved at his smiling lucky mates Ultra and Fez still wearing their Leicester City shirts and then looked towards the hangman. Suddenly he turned to his executioner. 'Aaah! Mr hangman I don't wish to tell you how to do your job but I can see the problem, if you tighten that screw just there.....................' :unsure::):cool::rolleyes::o:S:blink:

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Rincewind

Rincewind

Posted
Posted
Not only is that a rubbish joke but I fail to see how it's topical?

Were we talking about hanging?

Sorry there was a typo. For topical read heroic.

You don't like my jokes do you? :D

One of these days I'll find one that you like. :D

A young woman was talking to her gentleman neighbour over the garden fence. 'How do you get your tomatoes to grow so ripe and red? 'Well he said each day I take walk around the garden in the nude and the tomatoes grow blushing.

So woman thought she'd try it. A few weeks later her neighbour said 'Did it work then' She says 'Well my tomatoes are a failure but my cucumbers are massive.'

I'll get me coat.. :D

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Zingari

Zingari

Posted
Posted

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tesco with her

two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through

the entrance.

The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Tesco, nice

children you've got there. Are they twins?"

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course

they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why

the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they

look alike, you d*ckhead?"

"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone

would shag you twice!"

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Asha

Asha

Posted
Posted
:nono:

I know it's one of those jokes that dont make you laugh just think what the hell. Someone at school, a few weeks after the Tsunami came out with:

'What did Father Christmas give to the people of Thailand?

A: He gave 'em a wave and said goodbye.

I said that not to be funny but to say there are some god awful jokes out there.

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Rincewind

Rincewind

Posted
Posted (edited)

Well it would not seem funny to the people of Tsauma - the survivors - but if that joke was around 2000 plus years ago it would involve Noah God and an ark, People joke about these things because they are releved because 'it was them not me'. The more recent the event the less funny the joke is perceived.

An old one.

3 nuns go to heaven and St Peter says 'before you can come in you have to answer a question.' So they agree. He says to the first 'What was the first woman's name?

'Eve' She replied.

'Correct go through.

To the second nun. 'What was the place called where Eve met Adam?

'The Garden of Eden'

'Correct' go through'

St Peter turned to the third nun. 'Now because you are a Mother Superior this question will have to be tougher'

'OK, fire away' She replies

'When Eve met Adam what were the first words she spoke to him?'

The Mother Superior put her hand on her chin. 'Mmmmm that's a hard one'

'Correct, you're in.'

Apologies to any nuns who happen to be a member of Foxestalk.

:D

Edited by Nightguard
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Geo V

Geo V

Posted
Posted

Emailed to me today so excuse the bullet point thingys lol

>A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,

>

>"Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, they only know how

>to say one thing."

>

>"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

>

>They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

>

>"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed,

>

>Then he thought for a moment.

>

>"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two

>male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

>

>Bring your two parrots over to my house, And we'll put them in the cage

>with Francis and Peter.

>

>My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your

>parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."

>

>Thank you," the woman responded, "This may very well be the solution."

>

>The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

>

>As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside

>their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

>

>Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

>

>After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're

>hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

>

>There was stunned silence.

>

>Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and

>exclaimed,

>

>"Put the beads away, Frank our prayers have been answered!"

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Bert

Bert

Posted
Posted
A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tesco with her

two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through

the entrance.

The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Tesco, nice

children you've got there. Are they twins?"

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course

they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why

the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they

look alike, you d*ckhead?"

"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone

would shag you twice!"

Beaut. :D

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hairy

hairy

Posted
Posted (edited)

In 1986, Mike Membre was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed, so Membre approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Membre worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Membre stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Membre never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Membre was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Membre and his son Cantri were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Membre, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Membre couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Membre summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure.

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Membre's legs and raised him high into the air and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Edited by hairy
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Kent Fox

Kent Fox

Posted
Posted
I've just bought the new 'Colin MacRae' rally game for my computer.

Problem is it keeps crashing.

Funny that. Was it the Colin MacRae Helicopter game?

Apparently, Gary Glitter was being alikened to Colin MacRae. It was later found that only 2 kids had gone down on Colin's chopper.

I saw his distraught wife the other day withdrawing cash from Northern Rock. I asked her if she was ok, she said she was but would be happier now a Scottish Widow.

And news just in...Foot and Mouth has been found in Scottish farmland. Police have no idea where the rest of Mr MacRae is.

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