The joke thread

[Buce]

"Any two-watt bulbs?"

"For what?"

"That'll do, I'll take two."

"Two what?"

"I thought you didn't have any."

"Any what?"

"Yes, please."

"Any two-watt bulbs?"

"For what?"

"That'll do. I'll take two."

"Two what?"

"I thought you didn't have any."

"Any what?"

"Yes, please."

[Beliall]

I was at a cash machine the other day and the old lady in front asked me to check her balance ...        So i pushed her over.   

Edited 30 January 2016 by Beliall

[StanSP]

I was at a cash machine the other day and the old lady in front asked me to check her balance ...        So i pushed her over.

 

 

I was at a cash machine the other day and the old lady in front asked me to check her balance ...        So i pushed her over.   

 

So i posted it on Twitter after seeing it posted first time then I think Beliall's seen my Twitter and then come in here

[Beliall]

So i posted it on Twitter after seeing it posted first time then I think Beliall's seen my Twitter and then come in here

 

I don't use twitter, I was poking fun at Paddy

[StanSP]

I don't use twitter, I was poking fun at Paddy

someone pretending to be you!

https://twitter.com/JamesBeliall

[Beliall]

someone pretending to be you!

https://twitter.com/JamesBeliall

 

Ok, I have twitter, but I'm very rarely on it

[Countryfox]

My girlfriend started smoking ........      So I slowed down and applied a bit more lube.

[separator]

What's Irish and sits in the garden in summer?

Paddy O'Furniture

[Buce]

Did anyone hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

[Izzy]

Just got back from a holiday in Thailand where I came VERY CLOSE to shagging a lady boy!!

 

She talked like a lady, walked like a lady, looked like a lady and kissed like a lady....

 

It was only when she drove me back to her place and reversed the car into the garage first time, that I thought to myself "Hang on a fvcking minute..."

[Countryfox]

I asked my North Korean friend how it was over there ......         He said he couldn't complain.

[MPH]

What do you call a Dog with no legs?

 

 

It doesn't matter, its not going to come is it?

[MPH]

[Orior]

Do you like dogs? Well, on Saturday there was a big German Shepard in my front garden doing his business.

 

The fecker was back again on Sunday! And this time he had his dog with him.

[Orior]

Paddy was on his death bed, when he calls his wife over and says "When I die, will you marry Harry McCourt?"

 

The wife was delighted with her husband and then says "Yes, but I thought you hated Harry McCourt?"

 

Paddy "I do"

[Orior]

An American gets off a plane in Heathrow, picks his bag up from the carousel and then looks for a taxi to take him to the centre of London.

 

He see a snotty looking English gent dressed in tweed and says "Hey buddy, where are the taxis at?"

 

The Englishman corrects him saying "You should never end a sentence with a preposition"

 

The American replies "Okay, where are the taxis at, asshole?"

[ozleicester]

What do you call a Dog with no legs?

 

 

It doesn't matter, its not going to come is it?

 

what do you call a fly with no wings?

 

 

A "walk"

[MikeyT]

Was walking past Leicester prison the other day and i saw a midget scaling down the outside wall. I recognized him from a fraud case last year.

 

 

I just stood there staring at him as he got to the bottom. He turned, sneered at me and ran off!

 

 

It was a little condescending.

Haha brill.

[MPH]

My neighbor is an Emo and had all his Emo friends round for a party last night. I walked past the window and there must of been 20 of them queuing up for a slash....

[MPH]

Last night i bought an alcoholic ginger beer.

The cheeky bugger swore at me!

Edited 4 February 2016 by MPH

[MPH]

  Where i live there's this tiny Ghost that goes round helping all the old ladies carry their shopping in. It's so nice to have a little community spirit...

[notnow john]

Went for a meal last night at the local resteraunt. Unfortunatly the waitress was my ex and when

I complained about the wine she said it was just sour grapes.

Edited 7 February 2016 by notnow john

[Wolfox]

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.

After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"!

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - given that you are blind - that you should know five things:

First - The bartender is a blonde girl.

Second - The bouncer is a blonde girl.

Third - I'm a 6 feet tall, 120 kg blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

Fourth - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter, and

Fifth - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell a Blonde joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,

"Nah...Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[Izzy]

Q: What do you call a chicken staring at a lettuce?

A: Chicken sees a salad...

[separator]

Derby County have announced a 3 way sponsorship deal with an oil company, a designer clothes brand, and a parcel delivery firm.

 

Their shirt logo will read Total fcuk UPS