The joke thread

[JoeyB]

Jose Mourinho wants to go back to Portugal to be left alone and not seen again!

Kate McCann has offered to help him!

[Unit]

Jesus, didn't think we were ready for McCann jokes yet but since everybody else is, i'll play along

What's the difference between the jokes about madeline and madeline?

The jokes will get old.

Went to see pavaroti (spell it..) the other night, not bad for a tenor.

on a lighter note:

Bloke with 2 left feet walks into a shoe shop, comes out with flip-flips.

boom boom

[David O'Leary]

Did you hear about the dentist who became a brain surgeon?

His drill slipped

[JoeyB]

Whats thrac's favorite pair of jeans?

Levi's

Edited 24 September 2007 by JoeyB

[Rincewind]

Levis?

[Wycombe Fox]

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband "I must confess darling I used to be a hooker."

He says "Thats alright my darling, your past is your past but I must admit I find it a bit erotic. Now, tell me about it"

His new wife says "My name was Nigel and I played for Leicester Tigers"

[David O'Leary]

Whats thrac's favorite pair of jeans?

Levi's

Good one

[the_bowman]

A young cleric is preparing to board a flight when he hears the Pope is on the same flight.

"This is exciting" he thinks, "I've wanted to see the Pope in person." He's therefore more surprised when the Pope sits down next to him, and starts work on a crossword puzzle.

"This is fantastic," thinks the young priest. "I'm really good a crosswords. Perhaps if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance."

Almost immediately, the Pope turns to him. "Excuse me," he croaks, "but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman? It ends in '-unt'?"

Only one word leapt to the priest's mind. "My goodness," he thinks, beginning to sweat. "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word."

Racking his brains, it finally hits him, and he turns to the Pope. "I think the word you're looking for is 'aunt'." he says, relieved.

"Of course," says the Pope. "Hmm. You don't have any Tippex do you?"

[Geo V]

Text received tonight....

Woman goes to her doctor and says "Every time I have sex a big gush of wind comes out of my fa**y and it sounds like its saying "Spurs are a top 4 side". The doctor says "Dont worry, I hear a lot of c**ts say that"

[Kent Fox]

Two pregnant Irish women were knitting away.

One says "I hope mine is a boy. I only have blue wool".

The other one says " I hope mine is a spastic. I've fooked the arms up".

[Lamby]

Firemen were called to a Condom machine in a public toilet. The stuck man explains 'it says insert £2 and push knob in'

[MPH]

didnt quite know where to put this so i just thought maybe this is the place...

My Absolute Hero is Murray walker.... Funniest man ever to appear on tv...

Murray walker

[Raj]

A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical withhis wife tagging along

When the doctor enters the examination room he says,

"I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."

The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife andasks,

"What did he say?"

The wife yells back to him,

"JUST GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!!"

[David O'Leary]

A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical withhis wife tagging along

When the doctor enters the examination room he says,

"I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."

The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife andasks,

"What did he say?"

The wife yells back to him,

"JUST GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!!"

[lee7]

A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical withhis wife tagging along

When the doctor enters the examination room he says,

"I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."

The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife andasks,

"What did he say?"

The wife yells back to him,

"JUST GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!!"

[Wycombe Fox]

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labelled ATR. Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button.

Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button.

A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.

The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it was a tender, loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed, "The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."

"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover," replied the nurse.

"Your penis is under your pillow."

[l444ry]

NEVER TRY & OUTSMART A WOMAN

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his spending it.

Just before he died he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to collect all my money and put it in the coffin with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the coffin with him.

When he died he was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the coffin, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the coffin. Then the undertakers locked the coffin down, and they rolled it away.

Her friend said, "I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied "I can't go back on my word. I promised him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the coffin with him!!!!?"

"I sure did" said the wife". "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

[Raj]

The Golfer and the Dentist

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist,

"Doc, I'm in a real hurry.! I have two buddies sitting out in my

car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just

pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf

course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."

So the dentist ask him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him."

[Geo V]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how

many kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers, "Well,

son, there are three kinds of breasts.

In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her

30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50,

they are like onions".

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how

many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes

through three phases.

In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s

and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is

like a Christmas tree".

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

[He's not bald]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

[Raj]

The best engine in the world is the womens Fanjita(aka vagina!)

It takes any size piston.

Its self lubrication.

Starts with one finger.

And every 4 weeks it does its own oil change.

Pity the management system is SO fcuking tempremental!

[mkingy]

"We will stay up, says Derby boss"

[Raj]

Sorry to all our aussie friend in advance!

A woman sitting in an Adelaide restaurant suddenly began to cough.

After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress,

and two locals, Kenzie and Brian sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

' Kin ya swaller ? ' asked Kenzie.

The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.

' Kin ya breathe ? " asked Brian. the woman shook her head No !!!

With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,

yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her bum.

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction

flew out of her mouth and she began to breath again.

Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

Brian said in admiration "Ya know Kenzie, I'd heard of that bloody

Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it."

[Nod.E]

Babies bad day

Okay, you are two years old and are up way past your nap time. It has been a hard day filled with bug and worm eating. You've been told that you can't have another piece of candy. Your cheeks, both sets, have been patted, pinched, and if you were my child, slapped. Your diaper is wet, or is carrying a concealed stinky-poo-poo, and truth be told you just aren’t feeling very fresh. And just when your senses are just about fried, your parents – the bastards – tell you not to stick the knife into the electrical socket on the wall.

Baby, to sum it up, you’ve had better moments.

Methinks its time for a temper tantrum. What say you?

[potter3]

Edited 4 October 2007 by potter3