The joke thread

[Buce]

As Rashford comes on the wife says 'what's he gonna do in 4 minutes?'

Wait till the football has finished and I will show you.........

So neither of you scored?

[bovril]

England players are frantically googling 'football' after losing to Iceland.

[Trav Le Bleu]

 

As Rashford comes on the wife says 'what's he gonna do in 4 minutes?'

Wait till the football has finished and I will show you.........

 

 

And are you still doing nothing DG?

[Webbo]

A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he has any luggage.

 

"No" He says, " I'm travelling light."

[Buce]

A Mexican magician tells his audience that he will count to three, then disappear.

So he says, "uno...... dos......" *puff* - and disappears without a tres.

[Tielemans63]

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a sharp blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly... She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank cheque. 'There's no charge,' she says. 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.

'So I just switched their heads.'

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Edited 3 July 2016 by Paddy.

[Buce]

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a sharp blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly... She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank cheque. 'There's no charge,' she says. 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.

'So I just switched their heads.'

Sent from my SM-G920F using Tapatalk

I really did laugh out loud at that..

[Renart]

Found out that I was colour blind the other day...

 

That one came right out the purple.

[Renart]

There are only two types of people in the world, those who can extrapolate from incomplete data...

[AKCJ]

What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?

 

Rick O'Shea

[Beliall]

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a sharp blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly... She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank cheque. 'There's no charge,' she says. 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.

'So I just switched their heads.'

Sent from my SM-G920F using Tapatalk

 

Best joke I've heard in a while

[AKCJ]

The Oscar Pistorius drinking game.

 

Whenever anyone goes to the bathroom, take a shot.

Edited 7 July 2016 by AKCJ

[Renart]

Barman says "Sorry we don't serve time travelers"..... A time traveler walks into a bar.

[Parafox]

The Lord spake unto Moses and said, "come forth, Moses and you shall win a great race".

 

 

 

He came fifth and won a teapot.

[Grewks]

Reports in Germany are claiming that a man in his nineties has confirmed that he engaged in a homosexual relationship with Adolf Hitler during the 1940's.

 

 

Little is known about the man at this time, except for his nationality. Reports are suggesting he is a HungArian.

[jonthefox]

A dog will love you more than your wife . Don't believe me ?. Then lock them both in the boot of your car for an hour and see who's pleased to see you .

[Izzy]

The wife is pissed off with me yet again. Last night while she was fast asleep, I gently removed her tampax and replaced it with a party popper leaving the string hanging out. I tell you, that woman's got not fvckin sense of humour at all....

[Izzy]

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".

"Wow!" I was flabbergasted. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."

She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".

"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover. Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

....So I told her to Fvck off 

[Izzy]

An old drunk couple meet in a bar and decide that they want to go home and try and have sex. They start getting into bed when she says "Before we get started, I just want you to know that I've got acute angina". He says "I sure hope so, cos you got some god ugly tits"

[Thracian]

Note on the Fridge Door

My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.

Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset

I shall be home before midnight.


When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. 

As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.

As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference, 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. 
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime next week.

[Thracian]

 

Senior In A Sex Shop

       
         
                     A  little old lady , well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop.   
Obviously  very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.    
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for  support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk,   
"Dooo  youuuu have dilllldosss?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, "Yes we do have dildos.   
Actually we carry many different models."

The old woman then asks: "Doooo youuuu carrryy aaa ppinkk onnee,   
tttenn  inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss  ththiickk...aaand rrunns by bbaatteries  ?"

The clerk responds, "Yes we  do.."

"Dddooo yyoouu kknnnooww hhhoww ttooo ttturrrnn iittt  offff?"

 

Edited 11 July 2016 by Thracian

[Trav Le Bleu]

Just reading a book about an immortal dog. Can't put it down!

[separator]

I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide detector today.

 

The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

[Izzy]

This isn't a joke, but just wanted to say how much I love this thread. Even after a tough day at work, I can rest assured that one of my fellow City fans will have posted something on here that will always make me PMSL. Long may this thread continue in all it's glory...

[Aus Fox]

Took my little ones to the local Children's Farm toady, and there was a kidnapping! I couldn't believe it, the thought of this happening here never crossed my mind, shocking.

$20 to get in and didn't even get to see the baby goats!