The joke thread

[Alf Bentley]

Took my little ones to the local Children's Farm toady, and there was a kidnapping! I couldn't believe it, the thought of this happening here never crossed my mind, shocking.

$20 to get in and didn't even get to see the baby goats!

 

 

False alarm. The kids were found with their nanny.

[Parafox]

False alarm. The kids were found with their nanny.

 

Having a little nap

[Aus Fox]

Not so much a joke but a real life story that has had me chuckling ever since.

So I was in the supermarket yesterday, looking through the fruit and veg, when a man behind me picks up an avocado and gives it a squeeze, then says quite loudly oohhh that's a peach...

I turned around and said sorry mate, it's an avocado not a peach...

walked away chuckling and haven't stopped since.

 

[Izzy]

12 hours ago, Aus Fox said:

Not so much a joke but a real life story that has had me chuckling ever since.

So I was in the supermarket yesterday, looking through the fruit and veg, when a man behind me picks up an avocado and gives it a squeeze, then says quite loudly oohhh that's a peach...

I turned around and said sorry mate, it's an avocado not a peach...

walked away chuckling and haven't stopped since.

 

[Aus Fox]

19 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

True, that's what everyone I have told in real life says too.

Trust me though, if you just happened to be passing by at the time, you'd still be laughing now.

It's not my best work and I wouldn't say the joke was rad, but it was certainly 

 

 

 

Edited 21 July 2016 by Aus Fox

[Carl the Llama]

18 hours ago, Aus Fox said:

True, that's what everyone I have told in real life says too.

Trust me though, if you just happened to be passing by at the time, you'd still be laughing now.

It's not my best work and I wouldn't say the joke was rad, but it was certainly 

 

 

 

I get you - I'm still chuckling about a moment 5 years ago when I saw a dude riding his bmx, carrying the frame of another bmx under his arms, and I turned to my friends and said "cor that guy's got a bike and a half".

[Parafox]

I said to my wife the other morning, "you know you're getting old when you wake up and realise your mattress has a better memory than you".

 

I thought it was quite funny

[separator]

I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.

 

It doesn't cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night. 

[Tielemans63]

My wife caught me cross-dressing...

 

So I packed her things and left.

[Buce]

I'm sick of the Irish stereotypes.

 

When I finish my drink I'm punching someone in the face. 

[Tielemans63]

Why do deep-sea divers fall backwards off the boat?

 

 

Because if they fell forwards, they'd still be on the boat. 

[Beliall]

2 hours ago, Paddy. said:

Why do deep-sea divers fall backwards off the boat?

 

 

Because if they fell forwards, they'd still be on the boat. 

[Izzy]

3 hours ago, Paddy. said:

Why do deep-sea divers fall backwards off the boat?

 

 

Because if they fell forwards, they'd still be on the boat. 

That's nuts! Love it! 

[Great Boos Up]

When you see a man opening the car door for his wife; you know it's a new wife or a new car.

[Buce]

1 hour ago, Great Boos Up said:

When you see a man opening the car door for his wife; you know it's a new wife or a new car.

 

Has to be the latter - who'd let their missus near a new car?

[Countryfox]

13 hours ago, Great Boos Up said:

When you see a man opening the car door for his wife; you know it's a new wife or a new car.

 

Or cus the fookin door only opens from the outside !!! ....   And they can't have it in to fix it for 3 weeks ...    And they've already had it in once to sort it out before !!!!!

 

Sorry this should be in the 'Fookin annoying things that go wrong with a new car thread' ....  

[Mike Oxlong]

13 hours ago, Great Boos Up said:

When you see a man opening the car door for his wife; you know it's a new wife or a new car.

 

Is it a hearse ?

[Great Boos Up]

Just now, Mike Oxlong said:

 

Is it a hearse ?

Brilliant 

[Countryfox]

Another one off the bog wall at the Fox ...

 

 

[Izzy]

Paddy goes into a Dublin Florist shop and says "I would like to buy a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend"

The florist looks at him and says "Certainly sir, what is it you're after?"

"A shag" says Paddy.

[Webbo]

My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo.

 

 

I had to put my foot down.

[Tielemans63]

My girlfriend tried to reassure me that having a small penis wouldn't be an issue in our relationship...

 

 

...but I'd still prefer it if she didn't have one at all. 

Edited 7 August 2016 by Paddy.

[separator]

An Indian builder has fallen through a roof at a Lionel Richie concert!

 

A spokesman said, "The last thing I saw was Dan Singh on the ceiling"

 

[Alf Bentley]

On 8/6/2016 at 11:09, Webbo said:

My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo.

 

 

I had to put my foot down.

 

My wife told me to stop acting like a skunk.

 

I created a stink about that.

 

 

So, she attacked me with a chain saw.

 

Then I really cut up rough.

 

 

[Alf Bentley]

32 minutes ago, separator said:

An Indian builder has fallen through a roof at a Lionel Richie concert!

 

A spokesman said, "The last thing I saw was Dan Singh on the ceiling"

 

 

Unbelievably, Mr. Singh escaped with nothing more than blurred vision when he hit his head on the floor.

 

As the female paramedic lent over him, he looked up and said: "You're once, twice, three times a lady".