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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Buce

Buce

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Paddy had been on the Guinness all day and was a little worse for wear, so he decided it was time he was away home. He stood up to leave and immediately fell flat on his face. Twice more he tried to stand, and twice more he fell. He figured if he could just get outside, the fresh air might sober him up a bit, so he began to crawl to the door. Once outside, he again tried to stand; once more he fell. Deciding that enough was enough, he crawled the half mile to his house, opened the front door and with a superhuman effort, dragged himself upstairs to bed.

 

He awoke to find his wife standing frowning at his bedside.

"So, you've been drinking again", she shouted.

"What makes you say that, my sweet?"

"Mick just called - you left your fvcking wheelchair in the pub".

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Buce

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Two drunks were driving home from the pub.

After a while Mick says, "Paddy, do we have penguins in Ireland?".

"I don't think so", says Paddy.

"Oh, shit", says Mick, "I think I've just ran over a nun".

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Buce

Buce

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In the year 2016 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the UK and said:

"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system.

My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure.

We had to then go to appeal to the local Council for a decision. Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the County Council, the Environmental Protection Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled carpenters I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "..........the fvcking British Government beat me to it!"


 

Edited by Buce
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Buce

Buce

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A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got drunk and the bride and groom's families had a storming row and started wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other, the Police were called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court.

The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings silence with the use of his hammer, shouting, "Silence in Court!"

The court room goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and say's. "Judge... I was the Best Man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."

The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand.

Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride.

The Judge says," OK".

"Well," said Paddy, "after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song...when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates."

The Judge instantly responded, "God... that must have hurt!"

Paddy replies; "HURT!!... he broke three of my bloody fingers"

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Izzy

Izzy

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50 minutes ago, Webbo said:

I met a man who's on the transplant waiting list today. He talked me into going on the donor register.

 

I thought to myself "there's a man after my own heart."

This was voted the best joke of this years Edinburgh fringe festival apparently! 

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Buce

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Paddy and Mick fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money
between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Mick said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Paddy said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'

Mick replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whiskey.

Paddy said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Mick replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!'

They downed their Drinks. Mick said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Paddy said 'Mick - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!'

Mick said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub.'
 

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Countryfox

Countryfox

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13 minutes ago, separator said:

A beautiful girl came up to me in a bar and asked me if I wanted a good time.

 

"Yes yes yes" I replied.

 

Then she ran 100m in 8.73 seconds.

Top contender ! ......     for worst joke on page 244 of this thread.  :)

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Buce

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Webbo had been offered a lucrative job wallpapering a big house in Stoneygate, but he wasn't sure how many rolls of paper he'd need and he desperately didn't want to buy too much - it was £500 a roll. Anyway, as luck would have it, he knew that one of his friends had papered the identical house next door, so he gave him a call and asked how many rolls he'd bought. The friend informed him that he'd bought fifteen rolls, so Webbo went off to the suppliers, handed over £7,500, and went off to do the job. Being a conscientious kind of guy, he slowly worked his way through the house, room by room, only to find - to his horror - that he had only needed ten rolls after all.

 

Well, he was furious, and immediately went to confront his friend. "Paddy", he fumed, "I've just finished papering that house in Stoneygate and I've got five rolls left - I'm well out of pocket".

"Yeah", Paddy replied, "Me too".

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Buce

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1 hour ago, separator said:

Surely Buce has this in the bag now :ph34r:

lol

 

Speaking of bags:

 

Countryfox was out on his tractor one day, trimming the hedges with the scythe. Unbeknown to him, a neighbour was walking the other side of the hedge. Hearing the man scream, Countryfox stopped the tractor, and to his horror, discovered that he'd amputated the poor man's arm. Well, Countryfox isn't the kind of man to panic: quick as a flash, he staunched the bleeding and put the arm into a plastic bag, then sped off to the hospital.

 

To his great surprise, just a few days later the neighbour was out of hospital with his arm as good as new. A miracle of modern medicine, he informed Countryfox (who was greatly relieved).

 

Fate, however, is a fickle mistress, and just the next day the same thing happened, this time costing the poor man his leg. Once again our intrepid hero staunched the bleeding and put the leg into a plastic bag, and again rushed him to hospital.

 

To his relief, the unlucky neighbour was out playing football within days. A miracle of modern medicine, he once again informed Countryfox.

 

The next day (yep, you guessed it) there came the most terrible of accidents, this time leaving the poor man decapitated. Well, Countryfox knew just what to do. He staunched the bleeding, dropped the head into a plastic bag, and rushed to the hospital.

 

A week passed with no sign of the neighbour. Then another. And another. Countryfox, by now sick with worry, drove to the hospital to find out what the problem was, whereupon a tearful nurse informed him that his neighbour had passed away.

"How could this have happened?", he cried. "Whatever happened to the miracle of modern medicine?".

"Oh, we could have saved him", she sobbed, "but some idiot put his head in a plastic bag, and he suffocated..."

 

 

Edited by Buce
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Beliall

Beliall

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46 minutes ago, Buce said:

lol

 

Speaking of bags:

 

Countryfox was out on his tractor one day, trimming the hedges with the scythe. Unbeknown to him, a neighbour was walking the other side of the hedge. Hearing the man scream, Countryfox stopped the tractor, and to his horror, discovered that he'd amputated the poor man's arm. Well, Countryfox isn't the kind of man to panic: quick as a flash, he staunched the bleeding and put the arm into a plastic bag, then sped off to the hospital.

 

To his great surprise, just a few days later the neighbour was out of hospital with his arm as good as new. A miracle of modern medicine, he informed Countryfox (who was greatly relieved).

 

Fate, however, is a fickle mistress, and just the next day the same thing happened, this time costing the poor man his leg. Once again our intrepid hero staunched the bleeding and put the leg into a plastic bag, and again rushed him to hospital.

 

To his relief, the unlucky neighbour was out playing football within days. A miracle of modern medicine, he once again informed Countryfox.

 

The next day (yep, you guessed it) there came the most terrible of accidents, this time leaving the poor man decapitated. Well, Countryfox knew just what to do. He staunched the bleeding, dropped the head into a plastic bag, and rushed to the hospital.

 

A week passed with no sign of the neighbour. Then another. And another. Countryfox, by now sick with worry, drove to the hospital to find out what the problem was, whereupon a tearful nurse informed him that his neighbour had passed away.

"How could this have happened?", he cried. "Whatever happened to the miracle of modern medicine?".

"Oh, we could have saved him", she sobbed, "but some idiot put his head in a plastic bag, and he suffocated..."

 

 

lol

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Countryfox

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12 hours ago, Buce said:

lol

 

Speaking of bags:

 

Countryfox was out on his tractor one day, trimming the hedges with the scythe. Unbeknown to him, a neighbour was walking the other side of the hedge. Hearing the man scream, Countryfox stopped the tractor, and to his horror, discovered that he'd amputated the poor man's arm. Well, Countryfox isn't the kind of man to panic: quick as a flash, he staunched the bleeding and put the arm into a plastic bag, then sped off to the hospital.

 

To his great surprise, just a few days later the neighbour was out of hospital with his arm as good as new. A miracle of modern medicine, he informed Countryfox (who was greatly relieved).

 

Fate, however, is a fickle mistress, and just the next day the same thing happened, this time costing the poor man his leg. Once again our intrepid hero staunched the bleeding and put the leg into a plastic bag, and again rushed him to hospital.

 

To his relief, the unlucky neighbour was out playing football within days. A miracle of modern medicine, he once again informed Countryfox.

 

The next day (yep, you guessed it) there came the most terrible of accidents, this time leaving the poor man decapitated. Well, Countryfox knew just what to do. He staunched the bleeding, dropped the head into a plastic bag, and rushed to the hospital.

 

A week passed with no sign of the neighbour. Then another. And another. Countryfox, by now sick with worry, drove to the hospital to find out what the problem was, whereupon a tearful nurse informed him that his neighbour had passed away.

"How could this have happened?", he cried. "Whatever happened to the miracle of modern medicine?".

"Oh, we could have saved him", she sobbed, "but some idiot put his head in a plastic bag, and he suffocated..."

 

 

 

You should be on the stage Bucey !   lol

 

Go on then clever clogs ...    talking of stages .....

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davieG

davieG

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Posted

The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe

  1. "My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He's a man after my own heart" - Masai Graham
  2. "Why is it old people say "there's no place like home", yet when you put them in one…" - Stuart Mitchell
  3. "I've been happily married for four years - out of a total of 10" - Mark Watson
  4. "Apparently 1 in 3 Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit" - Mark Smith
  5. "I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn't much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer… came second" - Will Duggan
  6. "Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated" - Tiff Stevenson
  7. "I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words" - Gary Delaney
  8. "Why is Henry's wife covered in tooth marks? Because he's Tudor" - Adele Cliff
  9. "Don't you hate it when people assume you're rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?" - Annie McGrath
  10. "Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask" - Jordan Brookes
  11. "Hillary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President, as long as your husband did it first" - Michelle Wolf
  12. "I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound" - Roger Swift
  13. "Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer" - Arthur Smith
  14. "I'll tell you what's unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses" - Zoe Lyons
  15. "Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word" -Phil Nicol
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Beliall

Beliall

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Posted
1 minute ago, davieG said:

The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe

  1. "My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He's a man after my own heart" - Masai Graham
  2. "Why is it old people say "there's no place like home", yet when you put them in one…" - Stuart Mitchell
  3. "I've been happily married for four years - out of a total of 10" - Mark Watson
  4. "Apparently 1 in 3 Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit" - Mark Smith
  5. "I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn't much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer… came second" - Will Duggan
  6. "Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated" - Tiff Stevenson
  7. "I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words" - Gary Delaney
  8. "Why is Henry's wife covered in tooth marks? Because he's Tudor" - Adele Cliff
  9. "Don't you hate it when people assume you're rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?" - Annie McGrath
  10. "Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask" - Jordan Brookes
  11. "Hillary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President, as long as your husband did it first" - Michelle Wolf
  12. "I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound" - Roger Swift
  13. "Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer" - Arthur Smith
  14. "I'll tell you what's unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses" - Zoe Lyons
  15. "Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word" -Phil Nicol

Fringe must have been shit this year.

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Buce

Buce

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11 hours ago, Countryfox said:

 

You should be on the stage Bucey !   lol

 

Go on then clever clogs ...    talking of stages .....

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines.
After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him
a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line.
You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to
your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the
line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line
over and over again.

Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage,
and with great passion delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director
was fuming!

"You bloody fool!", he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered. "What happened, did I forget my line?"
 

"NO", screamed the director, "YOU FORGOT THE FVCKING ROSE!!"

Edited by Buce
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