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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Countryfox

Countryfox

Posted
Posted
10 minutes ago, Buce said:

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines.
After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him
a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line.
You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to
your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the
line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line
over and over again.

Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage,
and with great passion delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director
was fuming!

"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"
 

"NO", screamed the director, "YOU FORGOT THE FVCKING ROSE!!"

 

:clap: nice one matey !!

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Trav Le Bleu

Trav Le Bleu

Posted
Posted
8 hours ago, Beliall said:

Fringe must have been shit this year.

How some of these people qualify as comedians is beyond me. Quite liked jokes 1, 2, 4, 5, 7 and 8.

 

Pretty sure I've heard variations on joke 3 since my childhood, sounds like the kind of thing Bob Monkhouse would have done and joke11... a) she's not president, b) her good chances of becoming such is more down to her opponent being a top-grade moron (though since when has that affected US politics) and c) even if she acknowledge these factors, it still wouldn't be funny.

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Countryfox

Countryfox

Posted
Posted
5 minutes ago, Judith Hedger said:

Why is the word hate a likeable word between people but like is a hateful word?

 

Errr ....    Are you sure this is in the right thread Judith ? .....     Excellent first ever post however and welcome to FT !  :(

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Countryfox

Countryfox

Posted
Posted
6 minutes ago, Countryfox said:

 

Errr ....    Are you sure this is in the right thread Judith ? .....     Excellent first ever post however and welcome to FT !  :(

 

Just picked Mrs CF. up off the kitchen floor ! .....    Jeez she howled at that one ....    :)

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Facecloth

Facecloth

Posted
Posted
13 minutes ago, Countryfox said:

 

Errr ....    Are you sure this is in the right thread Judith ? .....     Excellent first ever post however and welcome to FT !  :(

 

Tbf it's better than most of the Fringe jokes lol

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Parafox

Parafox

Posted
Posted
On ‎8‎/‎23‎/‎2016 at 16:36, Webbo said:

I met a man who's on the transplant waiting list today. He talked me into going on the donor register.

 

I thought to myself "there's a man after my own heart."

 

On ‎8‎/‎23‎/‎2016 at 17:05, Webbo said:

I went to the green grocers and asked for a pound of potatoes.

 

"Will you take King Edwards?" he asked

 

"No" I said "Let him fetch his own".

 

On ‎8‎/‎24‎/‎2016 at 08:52, davieG said:

Even though I've gone bald I still keep the comb I've had for nearly 30 years.
I just can't part with it.

I wonder if Tim Vine reads this thread?

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Smudge

Smudge

Posted
Posted (edited)

Paddy hails a taxi In Liverpool. "Where to?" asks the driver.

"The docks" he replies, "I'm going home" Paddy gets in the back and settles down. 

 

After a minute or so the driver looks in the rear view mirror and says "Do you like conundrums?

"I don't know I've never tried one" replies Paddy.

"No no I mean do you like riddles?

"I do, I do" Says Paddy still unsure of what's coming next.

"Right" Says the driver. "Brothers and sisters have I none, that man's father is my father's son. Who's that?"

"Would you say that again?" Paddy stalls and the driver repeats himself.

"I have no idea" Paddy eventually replies. "It's me" Exclaims the driver and slowly repeats the riddle.

Paddy's face lights up and says "Oh roight, I get it now, dat's a good one."

 

When Paddy gets home he's sitting in a pub with his mate Séamus.

"Hey Séamus, do you like conum...do you like conum..do you like riddles?" I do, I do, I tink so any way" says he.

"Roight den, Brothers and sisters have I none, that man's father is my father's son. who's dat?"

After some thought and several sips of the Liffey he announces "Paddy, I have no idea, who it is, who is it?

"It's a taxi driver over in Liverpool sure enough"

Edited by Smudge
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Captain...

Captain...

Posted
Posted
33 minutes ago, Smudge said:

Paddy hails a taxi In Liverpool. "Where to?" asks the driver.

"The docks" he replies, "I'm going home" Paddy gets in the back and settles down. 

 

After a minute or so the driver looks in the rear view mirror and says "Do you like conundrums?

"I don't know I've never tried one" replies Paddy.

"No no I mean do you like riddles?

"I do, I do" Says Paddy still unsure of what's coming next.

"Right" Says the driver. "Brothers and sisters have I none, that man's father is my father's son. Who's that?"

"Would you say that again?" Paddy stalls and the driver repeats himself.

"I have no idea" Paddy eventually replies. "It's me" Exclaims the driver and slowly repeats the riddle.

Paddy's face lights up and says "Oh roight, I get it now, dat's a good one."

 

When Paddy gets home he's sitting in a pub with his mate Séamus.

"Hey Séamus, do you like conum...do you like conum..do you like riddles?" I do, I do, I tink so any way" says he.

"Roight den, Brothers and sisters have I none, that man's father is my father's son. who's dat?"

After some thought and several sips of the Liffey he announces "Paddy, I have no idea, who it is, who is it?

"It's a taxi driver over in Liverpool sure enough"

 

Except it isn't,  the answer  to the riddle is "my son" not "me":

 

The proof:

 

http://puzzles.nigelcoldwell.co.uk/fifty.htm

 

I remember arguing this until I was blue in the face in a pub quiz (pre smart phone), for some reason a lot of people get it wrong.

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Smudge

Smudge

Posted
Posted (edited)
2 minutes ago, Captain... said:

 

Except it isn't,  the answer  to the riddle is "my son" not "me":

 

The proof:

 

http://puzzles.nigelcoldwell.co.uk/fifty.htm

 

I remember arguing this until I was blue in the face in a pub quiz (pre smart phone), for some reason a lot of people get it wrong.

Pedant! :D

 

Edit the answer is a Taxi driver in Liverpool :trumpet:

Edited by Smudge
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Captain...

Captain...

Posted
Posted
1 minute ago, Smudge said:

Pedant! :D

Then this guy  claims this:

 

Quote
like 1 dislike 0
 
slogger's profile pic

slogger | eNotes Newbie

Posted on December 19, 2008 at 12:39 AM

He is looking at himself.

This is a very very old riddle I remember in the Eagle Annual of some 50 years ago. Logic suggests it is his son but the answer is himself !!!

I have NEVER been able to work out how it could be himself but that IS the answer.

 

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Parafox

Parafox

Posted
Posted
2 hours ago, Captain... said:

 

Except it isn't,  the answer  to the riddle is "my son" not "me":

 

The proof:

 

http://puzzles.nigelcoldwell.co.uk/fifty.htm

 

I remember arguing this until I was blue in the face in a pub quiz (pre smart phone), for some reason a lot of people get it wrong.

Including you...

 

If you follow the diagram in your link it comes back to the man being himself.

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