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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Nod.E

Nod.E

Posted
Posted (edited)
Tragic. :pinch:

:laugh:

:thumbsup:

you get the gist.

If i got the spelling wrong. Then i got the spelling wrong.

Not a big deal.

Anyway this is a jokes thread. Enough of this... and as for the emoticons of disapproval, well if your dont have the kind of humour to find whatever the joke is funny, keep it to yourself and don't use signs of disapproval just to get your post count up please. It gets annoying.

Anyway, like i said, its a joke thread... sooo...

mlns_lg2.gif

Edited by number 1
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hairy

hairy

Posted
Posted

8 year old Sally came home from school and with a smile on her face and

told her mother.

"Frank Brown showed me his willy today!"

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say,

"It reminded me of a peanut"

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked,

"Really small was it?"

Sally replied,

"No...Salty....!"

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Kent Fox

Kent Fox

Posted
Posted

Not very PC this, so look away now if you are easily offended...

I was very down last week. So depressed was I, that I felt the need to talk to the Samaritans.

I told them I was suicidal and they put me on hold.

My plight was put through to the main call centre in Afghanistan.

They were delighted I was suicidal and asked if I could drive a truck or fly a plane...

Sorry - I just found it funny :unsure:

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Raj

Raj

Posted
Posted

2 eggs boiling away in a pan.

One female egg turns round to the male egg

"Ey up me duck(they are fom Leicester!!!) i gotta fooking crack!"

he replies

"No use fcuking tellin me,i int hard yet"

:|

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Webbo

Webbo

Posted
Posted

Shamelessly lifted from TB;

Ventriloquist visits Kerry

A ventriloquist visiting Kerry walks into a small village and sees a local

sitting in his porch patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kerryman: "Can I talk

to your dog?"

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid git."

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Doin' alright"

Villagerlook of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me

to the lake once a week to play."

Villager: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either.... I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me

down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Villager: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Villager: (in a panic) "The sheep's a f**king liar!"

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David O'Leary

David O'Leary

Posted
Posted
Shamelessly lifted from TB;

Ventriloquist visits Kerry

A ventriloquist visiting Kerry walks into a small village and sees a local

sitting in his porch patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kerryman: "Can I talk

to your dog?"

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid git."

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Doin' alright"

Villagerlook of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me

to the lake once a week to play."

Villager: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either.... I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me

down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Villager: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Villager: (in a panic) "The sheep's a f**king liar!"

Brilliant :laugh: :w00t:

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joely22

joely22

Posted
Posted

Duck walks into a bar...

Goes up to the barman

"You got any bread?"

"No" replies the barman...

"Oh... You got any bread?"

"No" replies the barman...

"Hmm... You got any bread?"

"NO"

"Got any bread?"

"If you ask me that question one more time I'm gonna nail your beak to the bar."

"You got any nails?"

"No"

"You got any bread?!"

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Kent Fox

Kent Fox

Posted
Posted

Latest from Sydney IKEA store:

Just flown in from Europe , our new products exclusively in green and yellow - the Wallaby range

It is part of our new "flattened pack" range - easy to disassemble (only takes 80 minutes) - and guaranteed to fall apart every 4 years.

Only 30 units currently available, all suffering from jet lag.

Please note - this product is not suitable for use in English / Northern European climates. Although similar at first glance, it should not be confused with our existing Rugby League stock, whose main feature is being scrummage-free."

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Raj

Raj

Posted
Posted

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a London

lawyer, from London , and is certain that he has a better education

than any paddy cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some

fun at the Garda's expense!!

Irish Garda says,' License and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What for?' Irish Garda replies, 'You didn't come

to a complete stop at the Stop sign.'

London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

Irish Garda says, 'You still didn't come to a complete stop. License And

registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

Irish Garda says, 'The difference is, you have to come to complete

stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!'

London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between

'slow down' and 'stop', I'll give you my license and registration and

you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Irish Garda says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

The London lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish Garda takes out his

baton and starts beating the **** out of the lawyer with it and says,

'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'

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Nod.E

Nod.E

Posted
Posted

Little girl finds her dog dead with its legs in the air and asks her Dad why its like that. Dad says its died and its like that so jesus can pick it up and take it to heaven. Next day she says. " Daaaad, mum nearly died today. She was on her back with her legs in the air shouting oh jesus, i'm coming, i'm coming. And if the milkman hadn't have been holding her down we'd have lost her :|

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City Fan

City Fan

Posted
Posted
Spastic goes to the ice cream van and says

" can i have an ice cream please "

ice cream man says

" what flavour "

spastic replies

" It doesn't matter i'm gonna drop the fcuker anyway "

lol

That has to be the worst joke I have ever heard.

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JoeyB

JoeyB

Posted
Posted

one day 3 women go to the doctors to see what the sex of there baby is going to be, theres a brunnete woman, a redheaded woman and a blonde woman. The doctor asks the brunette, in which position was the baby concieved? the woman replies i was on top, the doctor replies, your going to have a baby boy, he asks the same question to the red head and she says i was on bottom, and he says congratulations, your going to have a baby girl, at this the blonde bursts into tears, and the doctor stunned, says well whats the matter dear, the blonde splurts out, does this mean im going to have puppies?

lol

Robbie Williams,Elton john and Kylie minogue are out on the town one night and from going from one pub to the other rather tippsily, Kylie trips and gets her head wedged between two poles, Robbie and Elton do what they can to get her out, but cant do it, so Robbie, not one to pass up on an opportunity, pulls up kylies skirt, pulls his pants down and starts giving it to Kylie doggie style, once finished he turns top Elton and says would you like a go, and Elton starts crying and says i would but i cant fit my head between the poles

lol

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Webbo

Webbo

Posted
Posted
Spastic goes to the ice cream van and says

" can i have an ice cream please "

ice cream man says

" what flavour "

spastic replies

" It doesn't matter i'm gonna drop the fcuker anyway "

lol

Sorry mate, that's not funny.

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