The joke thread

[General Smuts]

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.

The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm they are making cakes."

The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes."

The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?" Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know?"

She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."

[General Smuts]

A tomato, a piece of gum, and a penis are all talking.

The tomato says "I've got the worst live, I get cut up and stuck in a sandwhich".

The piece of gum says "No, mine's worse, I get chewed up, spit out and stepped on".

The penis says "No, by far I've gor the worst life... I get a plastic bag stuck over my head, then I'm shoved in a dark tunnel and made to do push ups 'till I throw up!"

[General Smuts]

A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions).

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully."

The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:

1. Take a shower.

2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.

3. Slip into very sexy underoos.

4. Crawl into bed and position the frog in place.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the girl calls the pet store.

The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over." Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

[General Smuts]

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50. Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look.

"Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?"

The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."

[Head Honcho]

Jose Morinho is that pissed off with being sacked by Chelsea that he's going back to Portugal and doesn't want to be seen or heard of again! The McCanns have offered to help

[the_bowman]

Patrick, who was on holiday from Ireland, was on Bondi beach and couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls.

So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.

"Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style.

Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya mate...you'll have all the babes ya want!"

The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato.

Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, and laughing, looking sick!

So Patrick went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong now?"

"JAHEESUS!" said the lifeguard, "Mate, the potato goes in front!

[City Fan]

Patrick, who was on holiday from Ireland, was on Bondi beach and couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls.

So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.

"Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style.

Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya mate...you'll have all the babes ya want!"

The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato.

Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, and laughing, looking sick!

So Patrick went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong now?"

"JAHEESUS!" said the lifeguard, "Mate, the potato goes in front!

Don't get it.

[hairy]

[l444ry]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.n The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

[General Smuts]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.n The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

i got this email the other day truly hilarious!

[MPH]

lol

please tell me thats not genuine?

[Raj]

Why is the weather in Britain like a muslim??

Cos its either Sunni or shi'ite!!!!

[Nod.E]

Sorry mate, that's not funny.

this will actually sound unbelievable.

infact i dont know why i'm even bothering but fcuk it.

My mate texted me it and i didnt find it funny in the slightest but i fowarded it anyways and my mate found it hilairious so i decided other people may find it funny. Ah well i mustve been right all along

[Nod.E]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.n The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

Quality! Heard it a while back but well worth a reminder!

[Webbo]

this will actually sound unbelievable.

infact i dont know why i'm even bothering but fcuk it.

My mate texted me it and i didnt find it funny in the slightest but i fowarded it anyways and my mate found it hilairious so i decided other people may find it funny. Ah well i mustve been right all along

It was more to do with the subject matter.

[Webbo]

There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been travelling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel.

He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again.

Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it.

He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help.

The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want."

The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash.

When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you Mr."

After thinking for a short while he replied,"Could you hold my camel?"

[David O'Leary]

There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been travelling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel.

He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again.

Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it.

He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help.

The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want."

The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash.

When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you Mr."

After thinking for a short while he replied,"Could you hold my camel?"

Funny but sick

[David O'Leary]

this will actually sound unbelievable.

infact i dont know why i'm even bothering but fcuk it.

My mate texted me it and i didnt find it funny in the slightest but i fowarded it anyways and my mate found it hilairious so i decided other people may find it funny. Ah well i mustve been right all along

You laughed at it you cheeky b*****d

Edited 27 October 2007 by David O'Leary

[Micky Ruddle]

That has to be the worst joke I have ever heard.

Yeah, Noddy, it was i'm afraid .

Sorry mate, that's not funny.

And yeah, it wasn't

Edited 27 October 2007 by Mickiambo

[Nod.E]

You laughed at it you cheeky b*****d

I DID NOT

I always laugh with people! You laughed. I laughed with you. Call me a weirdo but i do

I would argue the point if i thought it was infact funny. Like i did earlier in this thread

When i actually recieved the text i didn't laugh at all. It was just when i told you for you to laugh (for some reason because it is also the worst joke i've heard) I just laughed with you. I laugh when i don't understand what someones telling me ffs!

[Phube]

Made me

[Nod.E]

I took my Grandad to a strippers club the other day with my mate.

I licked my hand and stuck a tenner to the strippers left bum cheek.

My mate licked his hand and stuck 20 quid on her other cheek.

My Grandad got his credit card out. Swiped her arse and took the money

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Queen and the pope had a bet.

The bet was to see who was the more famous.

The rules were they weren't aloud to talk. And it is judged on who is more recognised.

So the Queen and the pope went down to Wembley to see the FA cup final.

The Queen says to the pope;

" So pope, what will you do? "

" I go-a like this no? And you Queen? " the pope replied while holding his arms aloft.

" I shall just nod my head " The Queen said in her posh voice.

So just like he said, the pop rose and lifted his arms up into the air and the crowd went absolutely fcking mental!!!

Not to be beaten. The queen rose and nutted the Pope!

[Raj]

A rich man and a poor man are buying gifts for their wives.

The rich man says

" i got the Mrs a brand new BMW and a diamond ring,that way if she doesnt like the ring,she can take it back in her new Beamer"

The poor bloke replies

" i got my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo,that way if she dont like the slippers,she can go fcuk herself'!

I thank you!

[marge simpson]

A rich man and a poor man are buying gifts for their wives.

The rich man says

" i got the Mrs a brand new BMW and a diamond ring,that way if she doesnt like the ring,she can take it back in her new Beamer"

The poor bloke replies

" i got my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo,that way if she dont like the slippers,she can go fcuk herself'!

I thank you!

:appl:

[lookwhaticando]

Don't get it.

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much.

A rich man and a poor man are buying gifts for their wives.

As with all big threads (see Chebs for a prime example) there's some repetition going on.

Time to make a v2?