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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Raj

Raj

Posted
Posted

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. \

Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her

husband undresses in the near darkness.

He climbs slowly and gently into bed next to her and tries to be

reassuring.

"My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry

frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting -

juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?" he says, trying

to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for

her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have

heard about from other girls... Numbaa 69."

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled

tone he asks her...

"You want... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa?"

:rolleyes:

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Blue Bob

Blue Bob

Posted
Posted
A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. \

Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her

husband undresses in the near darkness.

He climbs slowly and gently into bed next to her and tries to be

reassuring.

"My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry

frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting -

juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?" he says, trying

to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for

her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have

heard about from other girls... Numbaa 69."

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled

tone he asks her...

"You want... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa?"

:rolleyes:

I know we should all be saving the planet but does that apply to recycling old jokes??? :D

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adam

adam

Posted
Posted
Spastic goes to the ice cream van and says

" can i have an ice cream please "

ice cream man says

" what flavour "

spastic replies

" It doesn't matter i'm gonna drop the fcuker anyway "

lol

Sorry, but that made me chuckle. haha

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David O'Leary

David O'Leary

Posted
Posted
I DID NOT :o

I always laugh with people! You laughed. I laughed with you. Call me a weirdo but i do :D

I would argue the point if i thought it was infact funny. Like i did earlier in this thread :rolleyes:

When i actually recieved the text i didn't laugh at all. It was just when i told you for you to laugh (for some reason because it is also the worst joke i've heard) I just laughed with you. I laugh when i don't understand what someones telling me ffs! lol

Are you Nat or Annie in disguise Noddy? :D

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Raj

Raj

Posted
Posted

Sorry if these have already been posted but i aint searching thro 35 odd pages to check!!!!

A young woman went to the antiques roadshow and dangled her tampon in the face of one of the experts

" Go on then you clever twat,what period is this from???"

:)

Paddy shows an Essex girl the L and R labels on his wellies which signify Left and Right.

"OH i Geddit!!!!" says the essex girl

"That explains the C & A on my thong!!!"

:)

Fat bird in a bar says to a handsome bloke

"Guess my weight and you can screw me"

The bloke replies

" 93 stone you ugly fat bitch"

"Close enough you lucky bastard!!!!"she replies

:)

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Wherethefoxhat?

Wherethefoxhat?

Posted
Posted
Let's try again ;)

Put your gags here...

I don't want to come over all politically correct - but if you could all exhibit some self-control that'd be welcome.

Please think twice about the topic...religion, politics and race could well cause a storm of complaints.

:thumbup:

Did you hear about the homosexual zookeeper ?

Kept mountain goats.

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Tabou

Tabou

Posted
Posted

Not sure if it has been done already...but made me chuckle earlier...

BREAKING NEWS:

Ireland is in a state of shock after it's worst air disaster on record. Earlier today, a two-seater Cessna aircraft crashed into a graveyard. Early reports suggest that 1826 bodies have been recovered, and this figure is expected to rise as digging continues into the night...

Taxi!..Follow that joke.....

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Mr Happy

Mr Happy

Posted
Posted (edited)

A duck walks into a bar n asks the bartender 'you got any bread?'

Bartender replys 'No'

The duck once again asks 'You got any bread?'

Bartender again replys 'No'

Duck says 'You got any bread?'

bartender says 'No I havnt got any ****ing bread and if you ask me one more time i'll nail your ****ing beak to the bar!!'

Duck says 'You got any nails?'

Bartender 'No'

Duck 'You got any bread?'

EDIT: Just noticed sumbody beat me to this one!!

Edited by Johnny Hates Junk-mail
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Mr Happy

Mr Happy

Posted
Posted

A boy takes his girlfriend home for abit oif fun but finds his brother in the bottom bunk, undaunted they get up in the top bunk. He says to his GF we will use a code - if you want it harder say lettuce, if you want a different position say tomato...........

Lettuce, letuce, tomato, lettuce she says.....

After a while his brother shouts 'Will you two stop making sandwiches, the mayonaise is dripping all over my face!'

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Kent Fox

Kent Fox

Posted
Posted

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?

A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?

A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go,

they take your house and car with them.

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Fat Ron

Fat Ron

Posted
Posted
A boy takes his girlfriend home for abit oif fun but finds his brother in the bottom bunk, undaunted they get up in the top bunk. He says to his GF we will use a code - if you want it harder say lettuce, if you want a different position say tomato...........

Lettuce, letuce, tomato, lettuce she says.....

After a while his brother shouts 'Will you two stop making sandwiches, the mayonaise is dripping all over my face!'

:sick:

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Wycombe Fox

Wycombe Fox

Posted
Posted

This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its true.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...

'Look Paddy.....there's that f ..king idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'

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Wycombe Fox

Wycombe Fox

Posted
Posted

I'm sure getting old!

I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.

I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, windy and subject to blackouts.

I have bouts of dementia, poor circulation, can hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.

Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.

Have lost all my friends but, thank God, I still have my driving licence.

That really is a scary thought!!!!

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