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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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samingram_uk

samingram_uk

Posted
Posted

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor. If you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...

First floor

The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor

The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor

This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor

This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor

The sign on that door said,

This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are fooking impossible to please.

The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs.

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samingram_uk

samingram_uk

Posted
Posted (edited)

The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in

October 1995, between a US Navy ship off the coast of England, and the British

authorities.

The transcript was released by the Mod on 10/10/95.

BRITS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.

BRITS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

BRITS: Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course.

AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS ACCOMPANY US.

I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

BRITS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

:crylaugh:

EDIT: Found

to go with it :clap:;) Edited by samingram_uk
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loverofinsanefox

loverofinsanefox

Posted
Posted

A couple had a baby in hospital, and naturally afterwards the baby gets taken away for the usual checks.

After a while the doctor comes back and announces:

"I have some good news and some bad news"

The couple quickly ask for the bad news first:

"Well the bad news is that your baby is ginger, the good news is that its dead"

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potter3

potter3

Posted
Posted
A couple had a baby in hospital, and naturally afterwards the baby gets taken away for the usual checks.

After a while the doctor comes back and announces:

"I have some good news and some bad news"

The couple quickly ask for the bad news first:

"Well the bad news is that your baby is ginger, the good news is that its dead"

:|

Have you heard, oxo are bringing out a new cube to celebrate the england football team, its wrapped in red and white and is called the Laughing Stock!

lol

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JoeyB

JoeyB

Posted
Posted

Number 1

Have you heard? oxo are bringing out a new cube to celebrate our england football team! it will be wrapped in red and white and it will be called the laughing stock!

Number 2

England are to change their shirts! The three lions will be replaced with three tampons to represent the worst ****ing period they've ever had

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General Smuts

General Smuts

Posted
Posted
Number 1

Have you heard? oxo are bringing out a new cube to celebrate our england football team! it will be wrapped in red and white and it will be called the laughing stock!

Number 2

England are to change their shirts! The three lions will be replaced with three tampons to represent the worst ****ing period they've ever had

Read above you numpty!!!

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Raj

Raj

Posted
Posted

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost

everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that

could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an

elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my

life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old

lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers

above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it

reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the

reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond

stepped out.

The father , not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to

his son . .

"Go get your mother."

:giggle:

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Messi

Messi

Posted
Posted

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.

He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"

But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."

The bartender said, "Your only son, I'm guessing."

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Messi

Messi

Posted
Posted

A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, "Mummy, why is my name Petal?"

The mother replied, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."

The next baby walked up and asked, "Mummy why is my name Rose?" she replied,

"Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head."

The last baby walked up to her and said, "BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY."

The mother replied, "Please be quiet, Refrigerator."

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