The joke thread

[Nath]

A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, "Mummy, why is my name Petal?"

The mother replied, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."

The next baby walked up and asked, "Mummy why is my name Rose?" she replied,

"Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head."

The last baby walked up to her and said, "BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY."

The mother replied, "Please be quiet, Refrigerator."

Am i the only one who don't get it?

[Nath]

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.

He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"

But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."

The bartender said, "Your only son, I'm guessing."

Define joke: Something said, that is funny

[David O'Leary]

Am i the only one who don't get it?

I'm with ya there Nath

[Nath]

I'm with ya there Nath

Thank fook for that.

I GET IT !!!

A refrigerator droped on it's head.

Although the Child would be dead.

Edited 25 November 2007 by Nathlcfc_7

[David O'Leary]

Thank fook for that.

I GET IT !!!

A refrigerator droped on it's head.

Although the Child would be dead.

Ahh I see :laugh:

Thracian "Im taking the Wife to the Carribbean for the summer holidays"

Big Gibbo "Jamaica???"

Thracian "No,she wanted to go"

Absolute classic

[Suffolk_fox]

A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, "Mummy, why is my name Petal?"

The mother replied, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."

The next baby walked up and asked, "Mummy why is my name Rose?" she replied,

"Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head."

The last baby walked up to her and said, "BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY."

The mother replied, "Please be quiet, Refrigerator."

Why would you call a Welsh child Refrigerator??

[lookwhaticando]

Why would you call a Welsh child Refrigerator??

I'm glad someone managed to salvage something from the wreckage someone dared call a joke.

[Joe.]

I apologise in advance if this has been posted somewhere before:

"I was shopping in ASDA the other day buying some Oxo cubes, they had chicken, lamb, beef and derby..."What is the Derby for?", I asked the assistant. "Oh" she replied, "That is our new range. It's laughing stock, but don't buy at that price it'll be going down just after Christmas".

[Tabou]

You may not laugh but it tickled me....

A teacher says to her young class- "Right. Today I want you to tell me what your Daddy does for a living! Tommy what does your Daddy do??"

Tommy replies "My Daddy is a dancer in a gay bar!! And if the money is right he will let them pummel his butt, or c*me in his mouth!!"

The teacher is very shocked and pulls Tommy to one side

She whispers "Is that what your Daddy REALLY does??"

Tommy replies "Nah, he plays for Derby, I was just too ashamed to admit it"

You can replace Derby, with Estate Agent...works just as well....

[David O'Leary]

I apologise in advance if this has been posted somewhere before:

"I was shopping in ASDA the other day buying some Oxo cubes, they had chicken, lamb, beef and derby..."What is the Derby for?", I asked the assistant. "Oh" she replied, "That is our new range. It's laughing stock, but don't buy at that price it'll be going down just after Christmas".

There's been a few about the England team

[Nod.E]

There's been a few about the England team

What the fook has that got to do with that comment at all?

[David O'Leary]

What the fook has that got to do with that comment at all?

That joke has been used about the England team

[Wycombe Fox]

Urgent Newsflash from Garmin, TomTom and Navman.

All satnavs need to be re-programmed as there is no England in Europe.

________________________________________________________________________________

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway. Nothing is moving.

Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What's going on?'

"Terrorists have kidnapped Steve McLaren, Terry Venables, and Brian Barwick. They're asking for a £5 million ransom, otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, 'How much is everyone giving, on average?'

Man replies "About a litre."

________________________________________________________________________________

Mr Smith phones the surgery for wifes test results. Receptionist says "Sorry we have two sets of results for two Mrs Smiths and they have become mixed up. One has Alzheimers and the other one has Aids."

Man says "Oh dear, what should I do?"

Receptionist says "Drop her off in the town and if she finds her way back, DON'T SH*G HER"

Edited 28 November 2007 by Isle of Wight Fox

[David O'Leary]

Urgent Newsflash from Garmin, TomTom and Navman.

All satnavs need to be re-programmed as there is no England in Europe.

________________________________________________________________________________

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway. Nothing is moving.

Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What's going on?'

"Terrorists have kidnapped Steve McLaren, Terry Venables, and Brian Barwick. They're asking for a £5 million ransom, otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, 'How much is everyone giving, on average?'

Man replies "About a litre."

________________________________________________________________________________

Mr Smith phones the surgery for wifes test results. Receptionist says "Sorry we have two sets of results for two Mrs Smiths and they have become mixed up. One has Alzheimers and the other one has Aids."

Man says "Oh dear, what should I do?"

Receptionist says "Drop her off in the town and if she finds her way back, DON'T SH*G HER"

Fookin hillairrious

[skinnydipper]

Name the only 2 prisoners to have ever ridden a Derby winner?

Lester Piggott and Lester Piggott's cell mate

[AoWW]

Name the only 2 prisoners to have ever ridden a Derby winner?

Lester Piggott and Lester Piggott's cell mate

I once found Lester Piggott's keys in the middle of a road. Had all the keys on to his stables and a couple of car keys too. Like a mug I returned 'em to him.

Not a joke, btw... just thought I'd share!

[General Smuts]

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.

One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."

The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."

The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?"

She frowned and said, "The postman."

"Why the postman?"

"Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."

________________________________________________________________________________

____________

This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out.

Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again.

Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing.

About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "hey, how the heck are you doing that?!"

The first guy responds, "oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk."

"WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below.

The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk."

________________________________________________________________________________

_____________

A guy walks into a bar and sits on a stool. in front of him he see's a big jar full of change and a little card that reads:

Hello, if you would like to win all of this money you have to make the horse at the end of the bar laugh.

COST $5

So, he puts in five dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom. Two minutes later they come out and the horse is laughing so hard that he pissed on the floor. So the guy takes the money and leaves.

The next day the same guy walks in the bar again and see's the horse and the jar, this time it says:

You can win all of this if you make the horse cry.

COST $10

So he puts in 10 dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom. Four minutes later they come out and the horse is crying like no body ever had.

So the guy takes the jar but before he could leave the bartender asks "How did you do that?"

The guy says "The first time I told him my dick was bigger than his and the second time I showed him!"

[General Smuts]

Q. What's the best thing to come out of Derby?

A. The A52

What do you call a Derbyshire man in the FA cup final?

The Referee

Q. What do you call a sheep tied to a lamppost in Derby?

A. A leisure centre.

[General Smuts]

Young niteclubbers were amazed to see Ian Holloway out one night early last week enjoying a pint.

Apparently, one young lady approached Ollie and said "will you give me your autograph?" "Of course" replied Ollie "Sign here then," she said and lifted here skirt "on me leg here". So Holloway signed, just above her knee where she pointed.

Her friends weren't to be outdone by this so the second one said "Me too Ollie, sign here" she promptly lifts up her t-shirt. Holloway of course being a gent duly obliges.

The third one then whips off her knickers, points and says "Sign here" showing Ollie exactly where to sign his name "Sorry," said Holloway "but only Gary Megson signs twats"

_________________________________

A couple are in the throes of a divorce, and are attending court over the custody of their young son. In order to properly assess the situation, the judge takes the young lad into chambers:-"Would you like to live with your mother?" asks the judge "No" says the lad, " she hits me" "Would you like to live with your father?" asks the judge "No" says the lad again, " he hits me too!" "Well who would you like to live with?" asks the judge "I'd like to live with Nottingham Forest Football Club" says the lad "Nottingham Forest Football Club!" exclaims the judge, hardly believing his ears "Why on earth would you possibly want to live with Nottingham Forest Football club?" he asks. "Cos they never beat anybody!!!"

Edited 29 November 2007 by LFF

[once_a_fox_always_a_fox]

i got one but not that good "a tea bag stays in the cup longer then forrest

[Sods]

i got one but not that good "a tea bag stays in the cup longer then forrest

hahahahahahahahahhahahaha

best joke ever

[skinnydipper]

I once found Lester Piggott's keys in the middle of a road. Had all the keys on to his stables and a couple of car keys too. Like a mug I returned 'em to him.

Not a joke, btw... just thought I'd share!

Life's a bitch. You get to do a celebrity a favour and it's bloody Lester Piggott

Mind you , looking at your user name maybe there are other famous people that you've done favours for

[lee7]

_________________________________

A couple are in the throes of a divorce, and are attending court over the custody of their young son. In order to properly assess the situation, the judge takes the young lad into chambers:-"Would you like to live with your mother?" asks the judge "No" says the lad, " she hits me" "Would you like to live with your father?" asks the judge "No" says the lad again, " he hits me too!" "Well who would you like to live with?" asks the judge "I'd like to live with Nottingham Forest Football Club" says the lad "Nottingham Forest Football Club!" exclaims the judge, hardly believing his ears "Why on earth would you possibly want to live with Nottingham Forest Football club?" he asks. "Cos they never beat anybody!!!"

[WetFlannel]

WHY IS SANTAS SACK SO BIG???

BECAUSE HE ONLY CUMS ONCE A YEAR!!!

[hairy]

School 1967 vs. School 2007

Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.

1967 - Vice principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his own shotgun to show Jack.

2007 - School goes into lockdown, the FBI is called, and Jack is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors are called in to assist traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1967 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2007 - Police are called; SWAT team arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. They are charged with assault and both are expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1967 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given a good paddling. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra state funding because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1967 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. & nbsp;Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some Aspirin to school.

1967 - Mark shares Aspirin with the school principal out on the smoking dock.

2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug violations. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high-school English.

1967 - Pedro goes to summer school, p asses English, and goes to college.

2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. US Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover Independence Day firecrackers, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.

1967 - Ants die.

2007 - Homeland Security and the FBI are called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

1967 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.

2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in a federal prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.