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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Fox You Forest

Fox You Forest

Posted
Posted

Three guys waiting to go into heaven are confronted by a shadowy figure at the gates, he says if you all give me something connected to christmas ill let you through, the first one( Ian holloway ) says here take my lighter to represent a candle ok you may pass says the figure the second one ( Milan Mandaric)

jangles his keys and says they represent bells, ok you may pass says the figure, Third and final guy ( Gary Megson ) here take this g string ???? the figure says what the hell do these have to do with christmas?? Megson says well there Carols. :thumbup:

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Asha

Asha

Posted
Posted

It was Wednesday. A parrot, Bill, was on the roof of an industrial building...and instead of flying to safety (it couldn't be arsed) it decided to travel down the rubbish chute. What he didn't realise however is that the chute is closed on wednesdays..and so 'slid' down 25 stories and smacked with the closed 'door' of the shutter.

Two days later...

Parrot A: Did you hear about Bill?

Parrot B: No?

Parrot A: He's dead.

Parrot B: Shit. What happened?

Parrot A: His parrot chute didn't open.

:unsure::dunno:

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lee7

lee7

Posted
Posted (edited)

probably already been told

A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta.

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down £500 and says: "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies: "Listen darlin', I'm not horny - I'm homesick."

:giggle:

Edited by lee7
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lee7

lee7

Posted
Posted (edited)

probably already been told but i can't be bothered to check through all the pages.

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!''

The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''

Edited by lee7
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lee7

lee7

Posted
Posted

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace house.

After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a near-by city center studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week.

Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away.

"There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job, I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath."

"That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it into the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water."

"What about your husband? asked the model.

"Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris.

"Good," said the model. "Now that that's been settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."

That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair.

The model noticed Doris' staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimmer or underclothes.

Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he does not believe her.

"It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."

The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her.

Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass.

Later Fred returned and they retired to bed.

"Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred. "Yes, he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?"

"Just to show you the difference," answered Doris. "But I guess you've seen me millions of times."

"Yes, said Fred, I have - but the rest of the dart team hadn't."

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General Smuts

General Smuts

Posted
Posted

A blind guy feels his way into a bar unaware that it is a lesbian bar. He sits on a stall and orders his beer, and then says "Anybody want to hear a good blonde joke?" The barmaid replied. "You are obviously blind so you better know, I'm blonde six foot three and I'm a judo champion, the bouncer is a blonde too, she is six foot three and 280lbs, and is a karate champion, sitting directly behind you are three of the biggest and toughest women wrestlers you could find, and they are all blondes to. Do you still want to tell your blonde joke?"

The blind man replied, "No, not if I have got to explain it five times!"

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General Smuts

General Smuts

Posted
Posted

A man is shipwrecked on a desert island. Luckily the island has fresh water, fruit trees and an abundance of fish, so he is confident that he will survive until he is rescued. Weeks pass, however, and there is no sign of any rescue.

One day he is looking forlornly out to sea when he notices a speck on the horizon. As it comes closer he sees that it is a person in a lifeboat. As it approaches the shore he sees to his amazement that the person is Claudia Schiffer! He runs to help her out of the boat.

"Oh thank God I found this island!", she cries. "I was afraid that I would die on that lifeboat. I am the sole survivor of a shipwreck."

The man calms her down and explains that there is plenty of food and water and that they just have to keep their nerve and soon they will be rescued. She agrees that they must keep their spirits up, as it is essential to their survival.

Weeks pass with still no sign of rescue. One thing leads to another and they start having sex.

Everything seems fine. After weeks of sex morale is high. However, after a few weeks his mood starts to change. He starts to withdraw and slip into bouts of depression. Claudia sees this and gets worried. She begs him to cheer up for both their sakes, and asks if his mood change has anything to do with her.

"Well, actually, it does", he says.

"Then tell me, is there anything I can do to cheer you up?"

"Erm, yes, there is," he says hesitantly.

"Then just say the word and I will do it! After all, our survival depends on it!", she says.

"OK, then. First, I would like you to cut your hair really short like a guy's."

"OK, that's no problem."

"Then, I would like you to draw a moustache on yourself using a piece of charcoal," he continues.

She agrees, but less readily.

"Then, I want you to speak in a low voice."

Once again she agrees, but is a bit worried now.

"Then finally, I want to call you Bob."

Really worried now, she asks if all this is absolutely necessary. He assures her that it is crucial if he is going to start feeling better. And he wants her to do all this in time for a "special dinner" he is cooking that night.

Later that evening he is sitting by the fire on a log, cooking a fabulous meal. Claudia is in the bushes "preparing" herself.

"You Ok there, Bob?", he calls out.

"Yes, great, thanks", she answers in a low, gravelly voice.

"Hurry up, then, because there is something special I want to say to you!", he shouts.

She emerges from the bushes with her hair cropped very short, a black moustache and talking in a low voice.

"Is this OK with you?", she growls.

He is overwhelmed. "You look perfect, Bob! Now come over and sit by me so I can share something special with you, Bob."

She goes over to the log and sits at the end.

"Come on over here next to me", he says, patting the spot beside him. "I want to get something off my chest, and want you closer to me as it is a secret."

Reluctantly she sidles over to him.

He leans in very close to her and says, "Bob?"

"Yes?"

His eyes light up. "Guess who I'm shagging??!!"

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Tabou

Tabou

Posted
Posted
A man is shipwrecked on a desert island. Luckily the island has fresh water, fruit trees and an abundance of fish, so he is confident that he will survive until he is rescued. Weeks pass, however, and there is no sign of any rescue.

One day he is looking forlornly out to sea when he notices a speck on the horizon. As it comes closer he sees that it is a person in a lifeboat. As it approaches the shore he sees to his amazement that the person is Claudia Schiffer! He runs to help her out of the boat.

"Oh thank God I found this island!", she cries. "I was afraid that I would die on that lifeboat. I am the sole survivor of a shipwreck."

The man calms her down and explains that there is plenty of food and water and that they just have to keep their nerve and soon they will be rescued. She agrees that they must keep their spirits up, as it is essential to their survival.

Weeks pass with still no sign of rescue. One thing leads to another and they start having sex.

Everything seems fine. After weeks of sex morale is high. However, after a few weeks his mood starts to change. He starts to withdraw and slip into bouts of depression. Claudia sees this and gets worried. She begs him to cheer up for both their sakes, and asks if his mood change has anything to do with her.

"Well, actually, it does", he says.

"Then tell me, is there anything I can do to cheer you up?"

"Erm, yes, there is," he says hesitantly.

"Then just say the word and I will do it! After all, our survival depends on it!", she says.

"OK, then. First, I would like you to cut your hair really short like a guy's."

"OK, that's no problem."

"Then, I would like you to draw a moustache on yourself using a piece of charcoal," he continues.

She agrees, but less readily.

"Then, I want you to speak in a low voice."

Once again she agrees, but is a bit worried now.

"Then finally, I want to call you Bob."

Really worried now, she asks if all this is absolutely necessary. He assures her that it is crucial if he is going to start feeling better. And he wants her to do all this in time for a "special dinner" he is cooking that night.

Later that evening he is sitting by the fire on a log, cooking a fabulous meal. Claudia is in the bushes "preparing" herself.

"You Ok there, Bob?", he calls out.

"Yes, great, thanks", she answers in a low, gravelly voice.

"Hurry up, then, because there is something special I want to say to you!", he shouts.

She emerges from the bushes with her hair cropped very short, a black moustache and talking in a low voice.

"Is this OK with you?", she growls.

He is overwhelmed. "You look perfect, Bob! Now come over and sit by me so I can share something special with you, Bob."

She goes over to the log and sits at the end.

"Come on over here next to me", he says, patting the spot beside him. "I want to get something off my chest, and want you closer to me as it is a secret."

Reluctantly she sidles over to him.

He leans in very close to her and says, "Bob?"

"Yes?"

His eyes light up. "Guess who I'm shagging??!!"

6.5/10 Slightly better than average....

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