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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Raj

Raj

Posted
Posted

Man asks his wife

"what do you want for Xmas Bitch?"

She replies

" Something that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds"

Christmas morning,Wifey opens her present

"oi shit for brains,what the fcuks this crap?"

Hubby says

"it's a pair of weighing scles you fat bitch" :)

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davieG

davieG

Posted
Posted
Man asks his wife

"what do you want for Xmas Bitch?"

She replies

" Something that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds"

Christmas morning,Wifey opens her present

"oi shit for brains,what the fcuks this crap?"

Hubby says

"it's a pair of weighing scles you fat bitch" :)

I bet your Mrs (bitch) loves you!

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samingram_uk

samingram_uk

Posted
Posted

The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, "You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?"

The driver is understandably hesistant and says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that."

But the pope persists, "Please?"

The driver finally gives in. So the pope takes the wheel, and boy is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes nearly 100 in a 45 zone. A young policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.

Cop: "Chief, I have a problem."

Chief: "What sort of problem?"

Cop: "Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it's someone really important."

Chief: "Important like the mayor?"

Cop: "No, no, much more important than that."

Chief: "Important like the governor?"

Cop: "Muuuuch more important than that."

Chief: "Like the President?"

Cop: "I don't know, maybe more."

Chief: "Who's more important than the President?"

Cop: "I don't know, Sir, but he's got the pope DRIVING for him!"

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Wycombe Fox

Wycombe Fox

Posted
Posted

A Duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of bitter and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, 'But you're a duck'.

'I see your eyes are working', replies the duck.

'And you talk!' exclaims the barman.

'I see your ears are working', says the duck, 'Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'

'Certainly', says the barman, 'sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'

'I'm working on the building site across the road', explains the duck.

Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.

The Ringmaster of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to him 'You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!'.

'Sounds marvelous', says the ringmaster, 'get him to give me a call'.

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!'

'Yeah?' says the duck, 'Sounds great, where is it?'

'At the circus', says the barman.

'The circus?' the duck enquires.

'That's right', replies the barman.

'The circus?' the duck asks again.

'Yes' says the barman

'That place with the big tent?' the duck enquires.

'Yeah' the barman replies..

'With all the animals?' the duck questioned.

'Of Course' the barman replies.

'With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle', asks the duck.

'That's right!' says the barman.

The duck looks confused.

'What the f * ck would they want with a plasterer?'

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Wycombe Fox

Wycombe Fox

Posted
Posted

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

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Suffolk_fox

Suffolk_fox

Posted
Posted (edited)

A Christmas tale to warm the heart

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day just before Christmas, a letter landed on his desk, simply addressed in shaky handwriting to "God".

With no other clue on the envelope, he opened the letter and read, "Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on the State Pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had in the world and no pension due until after Christmas. Next week is Christmas and I had invited two of my friends over for Xmas dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to and you are my only hope. God; can you please help me?"

The postal worker was really touched, and put a copy of the letter up on the staff notice board at the main sorting office where he worked.

The letter touched the other postmen and they all dug into their pockets and had a whip round. Between them they collected £96. Using an official franked Post Office envelope, they sent the cash on to the old lady, and for the rest of the day all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter simply addressed to "God" landed in the sorting office. Many of the postmen gathered around whilst the letter was opened.

It read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me. Because of your generosity, I was able to provide a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift - in fact we haven't got over it and the Vicar is beside himself with joy.

By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving sods at the Post Office!!!!

Edited by Suffolk_fox
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Asha

Asha

Posted
Posted
A Christmas tale to warm the heart

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day just before Christmas, a letter landed on his desk, simply addressed in shaky handwriting to "God".

With no other clue on the envelope, he opened the letter and read, "Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on the State Pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had in the world and no pension due until after Christmas. Next week is Christmas and I had invited two of my friends over for Xmas dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to and you are my only hope. God; can you please help me?"

The postal worker was really touched, and put a copy of the letter up on the staff notice board at the main sorting office where he worked.

The letter touched the other postmen and they all dug into their pockets and had a whip round. Between them they collected £96. Using an official franked Post Office envelope, they sent the cash on to the old lady, and for the rest of the day all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter simply addressed to "God" landed in the sorting office. Many of the postmen gathered around whilst the letter was opened.

It read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me. Because of your generosity, I was able to provide a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift - in fact we haven't got over it and the Vicar is beside himself with joy.

By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving sods at the Post Office!!!!

Ironic. :giggle:

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Raj

Raj

Posted
Posted

Bush and Brown in meeting

Bush's wife walks in.

"what ya talking about Boys'

'We are making plans for World war 3" replies Bush

"We are gonna kill 4 million muslims and 1 dentist" says Brown

"Why 1 dentist?' Asks Bushs wife.

"See i told you no one would ask about the 4million muslims" replies Bush...... :santa:

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Stinkenzo

Stinkenzo

Posted
Posted

Had to laugh at some of the Liverpool jokes.....

"Rafa Benitez uses his rotation policy in order to keep the burglars guessing who'll be out of the house on matchdays."

"Peter Crouch's house was burgled again on Sunday. Police would like to know where Steven Gerrard and Fernando Torres were between 1:30pm and 3:30pm."

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MPH

MPH

Posted
Posted

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a

big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that

after dinner, she would like to go out and make love

for the first time.

* * * * * * * * *

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex

before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get

some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and

the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and

sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many

condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family

pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he

thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

* * * * * * * * *

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents

house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm

so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

* * * * * * * * *

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table

where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly

offers to say grace and bows his head.

* * * * * * * * *

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,

with his head down.

* * * * * * * * *

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

* * * * * * * * *

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the

girlfriend leans over and whispers to the

boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

* * * * * * * *

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your

father was a pharmacist."

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  • 2 weeks later...
samingram_uk

samingram_uk

Posted
Posted

A guy was sitting at a bar at Heathrow Terminal 3 and noticed a really beautiful woman idle up to next to him. He thought to himself: "Wow, she's gorgeous. She must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?" Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?" The girl gave him a blank, almost confused stare, and he immediately thought to himself: "Dash it, she doesn't work for Delta." A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. So he leaned towards her and said, "Something special in the air?" She returned the same blank look and he mentally kicked himself and scratched Singapore Airlines off his list.Next he tried Thai Airways: "Smooth as Silk?"Only this time the girl turned on him and said: "What the fook do you want, mister?" The man smiled, then slumped back contentedly in his chair and sighed: "Ahhhhh....EasyJet."

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Wherethefoxhat?

Wherethefoxhat?

Posted
Posted

A man walks into a sex shop

"What can i do for you"? says the assistant

"I'd like to buy a blow-up doll please" the man replies

Certainly sir---which colour would you like,we,ve got pink ,yellow,brown or black

I'll have a pink one i think says the man

Would you prefer male or female enquires the assistant

Male ,replies the man indignantly

Which nationality?

English please, replies the man

Engish national or English muslim? the assistant asks

What's the difference? the man retorts

Well-the muslim one blows herself up !!!!

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the_bowman

the_bowman

Posted
Posted (edited)

Young Timmy pricks his finger on a drawing pin at school, and calls out to his teacher that he needs to soak it in some cider.

"Cider!" the teacher exclaims, "what for?"

"Because" Timmy says, "my sister says that when she gets a pr*ck in her hand she puts it in cider."

Edited by brewer_bowman
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