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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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hairy

hairy

Posted
Posted

Tommy Cooper Jokes

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married

The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

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Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

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"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "

"No, because he's really heavy"

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"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."

"Well you can't say fairer than that then"

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Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

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So I went to the dentist.

He said "Say Aaah."

I said "Why?"

He said "My dog's died."

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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said

'Who's speaking please?'

And a voice said "You are."

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So I rang up my local swimming baths.

I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'

He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

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So I rang up a local building firm,

I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'

He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5

people in my family, so it must be one of them.

It's either my mum or my dad.

Or my older brother Colin.

Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.

But I think it's Colin.

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So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he

said 'You've been promoted.'

And I swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.'

And I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'

And I went into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said

'What happened to you?'

And I said 'I careered off the road.'

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Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?

The one I was in went back and forwards.

I thought 'This is unusual'.

And the dentist said to me

'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

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So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give

me a lift?"

I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."

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Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other

"Does this taste funny to you?"

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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and

the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

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You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'

So that was nice.

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A man walked into the doctors,

The doctor said "I haven't seen you in a long time"

The man replied, "I know I've been ill"

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A man walked into the doctors,

he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"

The doctor said, "well don't go to those places"

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I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.

He wasn't very happy.

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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I

couldn't find any.

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I bought some HP sauce the other day.

It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

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Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one

of them would have seen it.

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Phone answering machine message -

"...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key..."

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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he

couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.

A strong currant pulled him in.

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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

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I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.

They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all

that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered

with hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.

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Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."

The other one says "So are you, you fat slob!"

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davieG

davieG

Posted
Posted

A lot of them sound like Tim Vine's repertoire - I suppose he could have nicked some/them from Cooper although I doubt whether Cooper ever said the Car/Career joke as I'm sure they didn't have mobile/car phones when he was around.

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hairy

hairy

Posted
Posted
A lot of them sound like Tim Vine's repertoire - I suppose he could have nicked some/them from Cooper although I doubt whether Cooper ever said the Car/Career joke as I'm sure they didn't have mobile/car phones when he was around.

Dont recall him using descriptions like 'fat slob' either but as long as they brought a smile then it was worth it

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dhermon

dhermon

Posted
Posted

Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor?

She thought it was pregnant because it missed a period.

Why did the blonde call the welfare office?

She wanted to know how to cook food stamps.

What do you call four blondes in a Volkswagen?

Far-from-thinkin.

What did the blonde name her pet zebra?

Spot.

Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow into the air?

She missed.

What do you give the blonde who has everything?

Penicillin.

Did you hear about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went?

It finally dawned on her.

Why do blondes get confused in the bathroom?

They have to pull their own pants down.

Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?

She heard that the drinks were on the house.

Why did the blonde have blisters on her lips?

From trying to blow out lightbulbs.

Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering?

The noise gave her a headache.

:D

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Thracian

Thracian

Posted
Posted

A man had 2 front row seats for the FA cup final, as he sits down, a

man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

'No,' he says, 'The seat is empty.'

'This is incredible,' said the man. 'Who in their right mind would have a

seat like this for the Cup Final, the biggest sporting event in the football

world, and not use it?'

He says, 'Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come

with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first final we haven't

been together since we got married in 1970.'

'Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible but couldn't you find

someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?'

The man shakes his head. 'No, they're all at the funeral.

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Tommy G

Tommy G

Posted
Posted
A man had 2 front row seats for the FA cup final, as he sits down, a

man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

'No,' he says, 'The seat is empty.'

'This is incredible,' said the man. 'Who in their right mind would have a

seat like this for the Cup Final, the biggest sporting event in the football

world, and not use it?'

He says, 'Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come

with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first final we haven't

been together since we got married in 1970.'

'Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible but couldn't you find

someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?'

The man shakes his head. 'No, they're all at the funeral.

Ha thats quite good actually! :D

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lee7

lee7

Posted
Posted
A man had 2 front row seats for the FA cup final, as he sits down, a

man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

'No,' he says, 'The seat is empty.'

'This is incredible,' said the man. 'Who in their right mind would have a

seat like this for the Cup Final, the biggest sporting event in the football

world, and not use it?'

He says, 'Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come

with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first final we haven't

been together since we got married in 1970.'

'Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible but couldn't you find

someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?'

The man shakes his head. 'No, they're all at the funeral.

lol

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DB11

DB11

Posted
Posted

Two boys were playing football in a park in Manchester. Out of nowhere a mad dog came and attacked one of them. Instinctively, the other lad found something, a loose panel in a fence and hit the dog hard round the head. It slumped to the ground.

At the same time a journalist was walking past the scene, he rushed up to the boys and said, "Wow, that was amazing, I sure could use that story for tommorows paper!"

"I can see it now", he said as he scribbled on a piece of paper, he held it up and it showed, "Man Utd Fan saves friend from Mad Dog!", one boy replies that he is not a Manchester United fan. The journalist is slightly shocked but then scribbles out, "Man Utd" and put "Man City", the other boy replies, "No, we dont support Manchester City either, Sir!". The journalist is shocked now and so asked, "Who do you support then?!", they reply, "Liverpool Sir!". The man once again take his pen out, but this time starts a new page and writes, "Scouse B***ard kills Family Pet"!!!

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DB11

DB11

Posted
Posted (edited)

Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor.

Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suction-cupped herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!" Bruce came running in.

"Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor," she said.

"Struth," Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl.

I'll go across the road and get me mate Wayne to help."

They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way, we can't do it,"

Wayne said, "so let's try Plan B."

"Plan B," exclaimed Bruce,

"what's that?" "I'll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her," replied Wayne.

"Spot on," Bruce said, "while you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her nipples."

"Play with her nipples?" Wayne said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate!"

"No," Bruce replied, "but I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are less expensive..."

Edited by DB11
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Wycombe Fox

Wycombe Fox

Posted
Posted

A father ask's his ten year old son if he knew about the birds & bees.

"I dont want to know" says the child bursting into tears.

Confused, his father asks why.

"Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "when I was six I got the 'there's no santa' speech, at seven the 'no easter bunny' speech and at eight you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech."

"If you tell me now that grown ups don't f**k, I'll have nothing left to live for!"

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Wycombe Fox

Wycombe Fox

Posted
Posted

A man and his wife are woken up at 3am by their front door being banged.

The husband goes downstairs, opens the door and there stands a man, obviously the worse for wear who asks the man to give him a push.

He tells the stranger to go away as he is in no fit condition to drive, closes the door and goes back to bed.

His wife has heard everything and tells her husband that he is not being very nice and does he not remember the night their car wouldn't start? He tells her she is right, puts on his dressing gown and shoes, goes downstairs and looks out his door.

He can't see the man so shouts out, "Where are you, do you still need a push?"

"Yes," the man shouts, "and I am over here on the swings."

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