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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Webbo

Webbo

Posted
Posted

Posted by Old Git on TB :D

One evening, as Uncle John and his wife are entertaining guests with cocktails, they are interrupted by an out-of-breath Freddie who shouts out, "Uncle John! Come quick! The bull is fooking the cow!" Uncle John, highly embarrassed, takes young Freddie aside and explains that a certain decorum is required.

"You should have said, "The bull is surprising the cow" - not some filth you picked up in the City," he says.

A few days later, Freddie comes in again as his uncle and aunt are entertaining.

"Uncle John! The bull is surprising the cows!"

The adults share a knowing grin. Uncle John says, "Thank you Freddie, but surely you meant to say the cow, not *cows*. A bull cannot 'surprise' more than one cow at a time you know..."

"Yes he can!" replies his obstinate nephew, "He's fooking the horse!"

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Geo V

Geo V

Posted
Posted

> Guy walks into a pub with a dog.

> 'Sorry mate, no dogs, you'll have to tie him up outside.'

> 'But this is Fido, the worlds only talking dog!'

> 'Aye mate, like I said, no dogs.'

> 'Ok, I'll prove it.... Fido.... how you feeling today?'

> 'Ruff..'

> 'Yeah mate, take the dog outside and i'll serve you.'

> 'I see you're not convinced. Let's try again. Fido..... you're playing golf and you tee off. The ball lands in the long grass. What do you call that grass?'

> 'Ruff..'

> 'OK mate, last time. Get rid of the dog.'

> 'Yer a tough crowd, just 1 more attempt... Fido, who was the Scotland goalie during the 1978 world cup?'

> 'Ruff..'

> 'Ok mate, yer barred. Take yer dog and **** off'

>

> On the way out the dog turns to the guy and says 'Did I make a **** of that last 1? was it Jim Leighton?'

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JoeyB

JoeyB

Posted
Posted

Liverpool have sacked Rafa Benitez after their Champions League win over Inter Milan. The board have opted for a new management style and have appointed John Barnes with Sammy Lee as his number two. This new, fast attacking style of play will be known as the Barns/Lee effect.

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syston_fox

syston_fox

Posted
Posted

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration (the women) rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.

Andif that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely, V. Gina

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Raj

Raj

Posted
Posted

Not Politically correct.

Not funny either.

Who cares...here goes...

Black lad goes to Doc

"doc...i cant stop jogging"

Doc puts 2 lines of white powder on the table

"snort this" He says to the lad

The black lad snorts the lines and immediately stops jogging.

"fcuk me...is that cocaine Doc?"

No...its Persil...guaranteed to stops coloureds from running"

HAVE IT! :)

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hairy

hairy

Posted
Posted

In Honour of Stupid People . . .

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on

consumer goods -

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) --

'Do not turn upside down.'

==========================

On Sainsbury's peanuts --

'Warning: contains nuts.'

===========================

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine --

'Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking

this medication.'

==========================

On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding --

'Product will be hot after heating.'

=======================

On a Sears hairdryer --

Do not use while sleeping.

====================================

On a bag of Fritos --

You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.

Details inside.

===========================

On a bar of Dial soap --

'Directions: Use like regular soap.'

============================

On some Swanson frozen dinners --

'Serving suggestion: Defrost.'

========================

On packaging for a Rowenta iron --

'Do not iron clothes on body.'

==============================

On Nytol Sleep Aid --

'Warning: May cause drowsiness.'

==============================

On most brands of Christmas lights --

'For indoor or outdoor use only.'

==========================

On a Japanese food processor --

'Not to be used for the other use.'

==============================

On an American Airlines packet of nuts --

'Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.'

===========================

On a child's Superman costume --

'Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.'

========================

On a Swedish chainsaw --

'Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.'

===========================

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Jack

Jack

Posted
Posted

Paddy pulls alongside a lorry, "Oi Driver, yer losing yer load!"

Driver replies "fook off!"

5 miles further along Paddy shouts "Driver, yer losin yer load! I'm not joking, honest, yer losing yer load!"

Driver replies "Will you fook off you thick Irish Twat... I'M GRITTING!"

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Flynny

Flynny

Posted
Posted
Not Politically correct.

Not funny either.

Who cares...here goes...

Black lad goes to Doc

"doc...i cant stop jogging"

Doc puts 2 lines of white powder on the table

"snort this" He says to the lad

The black lad snorts the lines and immediately stops jogging.

"fcuk me...is that cocaine Doc?"

No...its Persil...guaranteed to stops coloureds from running"

HAVE IT! :)

Thats incredible. :D

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Wycombe Fox

Wycombe Fox

Posted
Posted

A little boy gets £10 for his birthday and rushes down

to the Sport Shop to buy the New Football he has been

desperate for.

He gets the ball down from the rack and gives the

shop-keeper his £10. "Sorry Son !!" Explains the

shopkeeper. "This ball cost £20, but you've only got

£10".

Thinking quickly, the boy looks up at the club balls

and says "Ok. If you blindfold me and I guess the club

on the ball will you let me have the ball for £10"?

The shopkeeper curiously agrees, and blindfolds the

boy. First up he gives the boy an Arsenal ball.

"OK" says the boy placing his ear to the ball. "I can

hear the blasting sound of 2 cannons. This must be an

Arsenal ball"

"That was a lucky guess" exclaimed the shopkeeper.

"Lets try another one". And he hands him a Millwall

ball.

"OK" Says the boy placing his ear to the ball again.

"I can hear a pack of rampant Lions. It must be a

Millwall ball".

"Christ" Says the shopkeeper. "If you get the next one

right I'll let you have the ball for nothing" and he

passes him another ball.

Again the boy puts the ball to his ear and after a few

moments he exclaims "That's a Derby County ball".

"Holy Mary Mother of God" Shouts the shopkeeper. "How

on earth did you get that one?"

"That was easy" Said the boy. "It's going down"

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