The joke thread

[Wycombe Fox]

A women takes off her knickers and sits in a dentists chair with a leg on each arm.

The dentist says "You've made a mistake madam, the gynaecologist is on the next floor."

"No mistake" she replied, "yesterday you fitted my husband with new dentures, today I want you to take them out!"

[Jack]

A little boy gets £10 for his birthday and rushes down

to the Sport Shop to buy the New Football he has been

desperate for.

He gets the ball down from the rack and gives the

shop-keeper his £10. "Sorry Son !!" Explains the

shopkeeper. "This ball cost £20, but you've only got

£10".

Thinking quickly, the boy looks up at the club balls

and says "Ok. If you blindfold me and I guess the club

on the ball will you let me have the ball for £10"?

The shopkeeper curiously agrees, and blindfolds the

boy. First up he gives the boy an Arsenal ball.

"OK" says the boy placing his ear to the ball. "I can

hear the blasting sound of 2 cannons. This must be an

Arsenal ball"

"That was a lucky guess" exclaimed the shopkeeper.

"Lets try another one". And he hands him a Millwall

ball.

"OK" Says the boy placing his ear to the ball again.

"I can hear a pack of rampant Lions. It must be a

Millwall ball".

"Christ" Says the shopkeeper. "If you get the next one

right I'll let you have the ball for nothing" and he

passes him another ball.

Again the boy puts the ball to his ear and after a few

moments he exclaims "That's a Derby County ball".

"Holy Mary Mother of God" Shouts the shopkeeper. "How

on earth did you get that one?"

"That was easy" Said the boy. "It's going down"

Good Stuff

[Unabomber]

Exit signs.

Well they're on the way out.

EDIT: some might have the woooooooooosh effect

Edited 28 February 2008 by Negreanu

[hairy]

**Breaking News**

A major earthquake measuring 5.3 on the Richter scale hit Lincoln with its epicenter in : Market Rasen, near Ludford.

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".

The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage.

Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. Notts FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Lincoln .

One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying.

My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning."

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:

· Fila or Burberry baseball caps

· Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)

· Shell suits (female)

· White sport socks

· Rockport boots

· Any other items usually sold in Primark.

· Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

Required foodstuffs include:

Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of White Lightning or Special Brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.

£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9. £5 buys 20,B & H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**Breaking news**

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop. 'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked,

" Bradford " said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you? "

the old ones are always the best

[Jack]

A bloke walks into his local and says "A pint of anything except Stella." The barman asks "What's wrong with Stella?" He complains "I had 15 pints last night and woke up fooking Skint!" The barman says "Well, i suppose 15 pints is gonna leave you a bit short." "Aye" says the man "But Skint is the name of my Jack Russel."

[morris1234]

an old one but still funny

A man complained to his friend "My elbow hurts I better go to the doctor." "Don't do that," volunteered his friend "there's a new computer at the drug store that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment."

The man figured he had nothing to lose so he took a sample of urine down to the drug store. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and deposited the $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was printed:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks

That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical science, he began to suspect fraud. To test his theory he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbated into the jar.

He took this concoction down to the drug store, poured it in the machine, and deposited $10. The machine went through the same buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following message:

Your tap water has lead.

Get a filter.

Your dog has worms.

Give him vitamins.

Your daughter is on drugs.

Get her in rehab.

Your wife is pregnant.

It's not your baby - get a lawyer.

And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

[morris1234]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate

father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to

arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be

here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby

photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of

babies"

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the

couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is

fun too; you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we

try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different

angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"

"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in

and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his

baby pictures.

"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their

mother was so difficult to work with"

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job

done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get

a good look"

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The

mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.

Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the

squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,

um......equipment?"

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we

can get to work."

"Tripod?????"

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for

me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's

fainted!!"

[LoughboroughFox]

Typing the wrong e-mail address

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A LESSON LEARNED FROM TYPING THE WRONG EMAIL ADDRESS

A couple from Townsville decided to go to the Gold Coast and planned

to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon. Because of hectic schedules, the husband flew to the Gold Coast on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in the room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realising his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Adelaide, a widow had just returned home from

her husband's funeral. He was a minister for many years who was called

home to Glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her emails expecting messages of condolence. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read;

To; My Loving Wife

Subject; I have arrived

Date; 25 February 2008

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now

and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I have arrived, and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your

journey is as uneventful as mine was. PS Sure is hot down here.

Lots of Love.

[MikeyT]

Typing the wrong e-mail address

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A LESSON LEARNED FROM TYPING THE WRONG EMAIL ADDRESS

A couple from Townsville decided to go to the Gold Coast and planned

to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon. Because of hectic schedules, the husband flew to the Gold Coast on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in the room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realising his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Adelaide, a widow had just returned home from

her husband's funeral. He was a minister for many years who was called

home to Glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her emails expecting messages of condolence. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read;

To; My Loving Wife

Subject; I have arrived

Date; 25 February 2008

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now

and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I have arrived, and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your

journey is as uneventful as mine was. PS Sure is hot down here.

Lots of Love.

Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!

[Lovejoy]

Typing the wrong e-mail address

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A LESSON LEARNED FROM TYPING THE WRONG EMAIL ADDRESS

A couple from Townsville decided to go to the Gold Coast and planned

to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon. Because of hectic schedules, the husband flew to the Gold Coast on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in the room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realising his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Adelaide, a widow had just returned home from

her husband's funeral. He was a minister for many years who was called

home to Glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her emails expecting messages of condolence. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read;

To; My Loving Wife

Subject; I have arrived

Date; 25 February 2008

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now

and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I have arrived, and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your

journey is as uneventful as mine was. PS Sure is hot down here.

Lots of Love.

:laugh: Could happen to anyone!

[Samilktray]

Typing the wrong e-mail address

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A LESSON LEARNED FROM TYPING THE WRONG EMAIL ADDRESS

A couple from Townsville decided to go to the Gold Coast and planned

to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon. Because of hectic schedules, the husband flew to the Gold Coast on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in the room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realising his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Adelaide, a widow had just returned home from

her husband's funeral. He was a minister for many years who was called

home to Glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her emails expecting messages of condolence. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read;

To; My Loving Wife

Subject; I have arrived

Date; 25 February 2008

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now

and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I have arrived, and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your

journey is as uneventful as mine was. PS Sure is hot down here.

Lots of Love.

Thats just cold.

[lildave3]

Typing the wrong e-mail address

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A LESSON LEARNED FROM TYPING THE WRONG EMAIL ADDRESS

A couple from Townsville decided to go to the Gold Coast and planned

to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon. Because of hectic schedules, the husband flew to the Gold Coast on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in the room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realising his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Adelaide, a widow had just returned home from

her husband's funeral. He was a minister for many years who was called

home to Glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her emails expecting messages of condolence. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read;

To; My Loving Wife

Subject; I have arrived

Date; 25 February 2008

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now

and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I have arrived, and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your

journey is as uneventful as mine was. PS Sure is hot down here.

Lots of Love.

Supoyb.

[DB11]

Typing the wrong e-mail address

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A LESSON LEARNED FROM TYPING THE WRONG EMAIL ADDRESS

A couple from Townsville decided to go to the Gold Coast and planned

to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon. Because of hectic schedules, the husband flew to the Gold Coast on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in the room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realising his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Adelaide, a widow had just returned home from

her husband's funeral. He was a minister for many years who was called

home to Glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her emails expecting messages of condolence. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read;

To; My Loving Wife

Subject; I have arrived

Date; 25 February 2008

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now

and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I have arrived, and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your

journey is as uneventful as mine was. PS Sure is hot down here.

Lots of Love.

I've seen this before. The bold part is the funniest

[Raj]

Not a joke but one of them ditty things...

Humpty Dumpty sat on a rock.

Little Bo peep was sucking his cock.

As soon as he came she started to weep.

She knew he'd been fcuking her sheep again!!!

[General Smuts]

Not a joke but one of them ditty things...

Humpty Dumpty sat on a rock.

Little Bo peep was sucking his cock.

As soon as he came she started to weep.

She knew he'd been fcuking her sheep again!!!

Now it rymes genious!

Heres my version ...

Humpty Dumpty Sat On The Wall

Along Came Raj All Happy And Small

When Humpty Saw His Beautiful Face

His Cock Erect With Lightning Pace

Inside Raj's Mouth It Did Go

And Humpty's Willy He Did Blow

For 30 Minutes Raj Did Suck

And Lil Old Humpty Was In Luck

Humpty Let Out A Moan And Cry

And Shot His Load In Raj's Eye

The Moral Of This Little Ditty

Don't Be Gay, Enjoy The Titty.

[isaidno]

Now it rymes genious!

Heres my version ...

Humpty Dumpty Sat On The Wall

Along Came Raj All Happy And Small

When Humpty Saw His Beautiful Face

His Cock Erect With Lightning Pace

Inside Raj's Mouth It Did Go

And Humpty's Willy He Did Blow

For 30 Minutes Raj Did Suck

And Lil Old Humpty Was In Luck

Humpty Let Out A Moan And Cry

And Shot His Load In Raj's Eye

The Moral Of This Little Ditty

Don't Be Gay, Enjoy The Titty.

[davieG]

Now it rymes genious!

Heres my version ...

Humpty Dumpty Sat On The Wall

Along Came Raj All Happy And Small

When Humpty Saw His Beautiful Face

His Cock Erect With Lightning Pace

Inside Raj's Mouth It Did Go

And Humpty's Willy He Did Blow

For 30 Minutes Raj Did Suck

And Lil Old Humpty Was In Luck

Humpty Let Out A Moan And Cry

And Shot His Load In Raj's Eye

The Moral Of This Little Ditty

Don't Be Gay, Enjoy The Titty.

I wish I'd had a university education!

[Raj]

I wish I'd had a university education!

BLOODY STUDENTS!

P.S I copied it out wrong-

Humpty Dumpty sat on a rock.

Little Bo peep was sucking his cock.

As soon as he came she started to weep.

She knew from the taste he'd been fcuking her sheep.

P.P.S---LFF...You are a funny man....thats why i will kill you last!!!!!

[Raj]

Now it rymes genious!

Heres my version ...

Humpty Dumpty Sat On The Wall

Along Came Raj All Happy And Small

When Humpty Saw His Beautiful Face

His Cock Erect With Lightning Pace

Inside Raj's Mouth It Did Go

And Humpty's Willy He Did Blow

For 30 Minutes Raj Did Suck

And Lil Old Humpty Was In Luck

Humpty Let Out A Moan And Cry

And Shot His Load In Raj's Eye

The Moral Of This Little Ditty

Don't Be Gay, Enjoy The Titty.

Its not funny...its immature!....

Ok ..IT IS FUNNY!!!!...

Bastard!

[Trav Le Bleu]

Sigh... time to roll out the "Mary had," rhymes

Mary had a little lamb

She tied it to a pylon

10,000 volts went up its ass

And turned its wool to nylon

Mary had a little lamb

She also a duck

She put them in a cardboard box

To see if they would make friends

Mary had a little pig

She couldn't stop it grunting

So she took it down the garden path

And kicked its little head in

Mary had a little bike

She rode it back to front

And every time the wheel went round

A spoke went up her dress

Let the reader use discernment, cos my modesty forbids

[potter3]

Sigh... time to roll out the "Mary had," rhymes

Mary had a little lamb

she threw it up in the air and caught it by it's

Willy was a watchdog, lying in the grass

along came a rattlesnake and bit him on his

Ask no questions, you get no lies

Have you ever seen a policeman doing up his

Flies are a nuisance, and bees are even worse

And that's the end of my silly little verse

[Trav Le Bleu]

Mary had a little lamb

she threw it up in the air and caught it by it's

Willy was a watchdog, lying in the grass

along came a rattlesnake and bit him on his

Ask no questions, you get no lies

Have you ever seen a policeman doing up his

Flies are a nuisance, and bees are even worse

And that's the end of my silly little verse

Nice

And my favourite limerick of all time, by the late great Spike Milligan

There was an old man of St Bees

Who was stung on the arm by a wasp

When asked, does it hurt?

He replied, no it doesn't

I'm just glad it wasn't a hornet

[potter3]

[the_bowman]

There once was a man from Gosham

Who took out his bollocks to wash 'em

His wife said Jack

If you don't put em back

I'll step on the buggers and squash em!

Edited 4 March 2008 by brewer_bowman

[potter3]

I woke early one morning,

The earth lay cool and still

When suddenly a tiny bird

Perched on my window sill.

He sang a song so lovely

So carefree and so gay,

That slowly all my troubles

Began to slip away.

He sang of far off places

Of laughter and of fun,

It seemed his very trilling,

brought up the morning sun.

I stirred beneath the covers

Crept slowly out of bed,

Then gently shut the window

And crushed his fucking head.