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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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l444ry

l444ry

Posted
Posted (edited)

DRUG BAN

A large pharmaceutical company has developed a new drug which, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent. The FDA refused to license it though. Seems it was habit-forming.

Edited by l444ry
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potter3

potter3

Posted
Posted

Scientists had a theory that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To test their theory, they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer, and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively loudly without making sense, became emotional and couldn't drive. No further testing was found necessary.

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dhermon

dhermon

Posted
Posted

One day Kyle's dad brought home a robot. The robot was special in that it could detect a lie and would slap the person who lied on the face.

Kyle returned late from school that day and his dad asked him, "Son why are you late from school?"

Kyle answered, "Dad, we had extra classes today".

Much to his astonishment the robot jumped up and slapped Kyle on his face.

His dad told him, "Son this robot is special in that it can detect a Lie and will then slap the person who lied. Now come on tell me the truth.

Why are you late?"

"Dad, I went to a movie"

"Which movie?"

"The Ten Commandments"

Immediately, Kyle got a slap on the face from the robot.

"Sorry Dad, I went to see the movie Sex Queen".

"Shame on you son, when I was your age I never watched obscene movies or misbehaved" Immediately, the dad gets a tight slap on the face from the robot.

Hearing the last sentence, Kyle's mother comes walking out of the kitchen and sarcastically says to her husband, "After all he is YOUR son!!!"

To which the robot steps up and gives Kyle's mother a resounding slap on her face!

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davieG

davieG

Posted
Posted
It's one of his I believe.

IIRC anyway.

We used to recite that when i was about 8 years old, I'm betting that's well before Lee was a thought never mind a being.

Along with the likes of:

There was a young girl from Ealing

Who had a perculiar feeling

She lay on her back

And opened her crack

And pissed all over the ceiling

and

There once was a man from Kent

Whose dick was so long that it bent.

To save himself trouble,

He put it in double,

And instead of coming, he went.

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Webbo

Webbo

Posted
Posted

While we're doing limericks.

There was a policeman from Clapham Junction,

whose penis just wouldn't function.

For all of his life,

He fooled his poor wife,

With some snot on the end of his truncheon.

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davieG

davieG

Posted
Posted

There once was a man from Brighton

Who said to his girl, "You're a tight one"

She said, "Pardon my soul,

But you're in the wrong hole.

There's plenty of room in the right one."

There once was a hermit named Dave

Who kept a dead whore in his cave.

She smelled like shit,

And was missing a tit.

But think of the money he saved.

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Webbo

Webbo

Posted
Posted
There once was a man from Brighton

Who said to his girl, "You're a tight one"

She said, "Pardon my soul,

But you're in the wrong hole.

There's plenty of room in the right one."

There once was a hermit named Dave

Who kept a dead whore in his cave.

She smelled like shit,

And was missing a tit.

But think of the money he saved.

:laugh:

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General Smuts

General Smuts

Posted
Posted
there once was a man from china

who was the worlds greatest rock climber

but he slipped on a rock

and broke his cock

and now hes got a vagina

There Once Was A Boy Named Morris

And He Supported Nottingham Forest

He Also Loves CovScum

And Takes It With Strap On

Hes From Derby, A Poetry Novice

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cisono

cisono

Posted
Posted

Just got this from my friend in the States...

Just in from London

NEW RELEASE:

Subject: Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.

A Message from John Cleese

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of

the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the

revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules

are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and

'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping

half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable

levels. (look up 'vocabulary' ).

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of

communication.

There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your

behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your

original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,or

therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort

things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more

dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start

driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go

metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.

Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been

calling gasoline)-roughly $10 per US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries

are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are

properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and

dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer

at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer,

and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good

guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of

proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in

time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American

football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an

event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of

America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their

deliveries.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's

Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs,with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

God save the Queen.

Only He can.

John Cleese

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Jack

Jack

Posted
Posted

Guy wakes up just before his wife one Sunday morning, goes to the bog and returns with a glass of water and two asprin.

He puts them on her bedside table, kisses her forehead and says "There you are darling - take these"

"What are they?" she asks

"Oh - just asprin" he says

"But I don't have a headache!"

"Oh - good - fancy a **** then?"

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Rincewind

Rincewind

Posted
Posted (edited)

Not going through 45 pages to see if this ones been done. i may have more later.

A bloke goes into a bar and orders a drink. The barman looks at the way the bloke is dressed and says can you pay for the drnk. The bloke replies, 'Sorry to say no but if I show you something fantastic will you let me have the drink.? The barman agrees and the bloke takes a mouse from his inside coat pocket which promptly jumps off the bar, runs over to a piano and commences to play Chopins Minute Waltz.

After the mouse has finished the barman says well I am amazed heres your drink. The bloke says I have another miricle for another drink. The barman agrees and the bloke fetches a frog from his pocket which starts singing. It is pitch perfect. it brings a tear to the barmans eye.

Just then a man from the end of the bar approaches him and says 'I'll give you £250 for that frog.' The bloke says deal' and the other picks up the frog and rushes out the pub.

The barman says 'Are you mad? that frog cold bring in millions and you sold it for a pittance.'

The bloke says ' Nah, the mouse is a ventriliquist.'

Edited by Nightguard
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coale39

coale39

Posted
Posted
Not going through 45 pages to see if this ones been done. i may have more later.

A bloke goes into a bar and orders a drink. The barman looks at the way the bloke is dressed and says can you pay for the drnk. The bloke replies, 'Sorry to say no but if I show you something fantastic will you let me have the drink.? The barman agrees and the bloke takes a mouse from his inside coat pocket which promptly jumps off the bar, runs over to a piano and commences to play Chopins Minute Waltz.

After the mouse has finished the barman says well I am amazed heres your drink. The bloke says I have another miricle for another drink. The barman agrees and the bloke fetches a frog from his pocket which starts singing. It is pitch perfect. it brings a tear to the barmans eye.

Just then a man from the end of the bar approaches him and says 'I'll give you £250 for that frog.' The bloke says deal' and the other picks up the frog and rushes out the pub.

The barman says 'Are you mad? that frog cold bring in millions and you sold it for a pittance.'

The bloke says ' Nah, the mouse is a ventriliquist.'

Not bad :thumbup:

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