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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Rincewind

Rincewind

Posted
Posted

Heres a tale that could happen to any foxestalk member - and probably has to at least one.

This man is sitting in his local alone quiely drinking when he is propositioned by this gorgeous woman who had been eyeing him up for some time. He politely explains that he has a wife at home and cannot take her up on her kind offer, but he still invites her to join him for a drink or three.

After an hour of drinking and enjoying each others company she again asks him to come back to her place. With his defences weakened, this time he accepts the invitation.

On the way out of the bar he grabs a piece of chalk by the dartboard and puts it in his pocket.

Following an intimate time at her place the man decides its time he should take a taxi home. As he staggers thefront door of his house he takes the chalk out of his pocket and puts it behind his ear.

His wife is waiting for him, complete with the rolling pin. 'Where the hell have you been?'

He looks at her and smiles 'If you must know I met this gorgeous woman who took me back to her place where we made mad passionate love several times.'

'You must think I'm stupid' scowls his wife, 'yopu've been out playing darts with your mates again, you've still got the chalk behind your ears.'

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You know you've had too much to drink when the ugly barmaid has two faces and both of them are beautiful-

Dave Allen

________________________________________________________________________________

I amazed everybody by ordering our drinks in fluent French. We were in a Chinese restarant at the time.

Tommy Cooper.

__________________________________________________________________________

I tried hard to drown my sorrows but they are strong swimmers.

Spike Milligan

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hairy

hairy

Posted
Posted

A seven-year-old boy was at the 7 centre of a Midlands courtroom

drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who

should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the

judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with

child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity

be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt

beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live

with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his

grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and

learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life

among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing

the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with

child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to

Derby County Football Club whom the boy firmly

believes are incapable of beating anyone.

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lee7

lee7

Posted
Posted
A seven-year-old boy was at the 7 centre of a Midlands courtroom

drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who

should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the

judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with

child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity

be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt

beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live

with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his

grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and

learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life

among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing

the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with

child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to

Derby County Football Club whom the boy firmly

believes are incapable of beating anyone.

lollollollol

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DB11

DB11

Posted
Posted (edited)
I just picked up my new Newcastle shirt I ordered. It's got "king Keegan" on the back.

I'm taking it back later to have the f u and c added.

Edit: Now I get it... hardly funny though

Edited by DB11
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morris1234

morris1234

Posted
Posted (edited)

a drunk man has been kicked out of a club in the early hours of the morning, he wonders aorund for a few hours and

eventually he stumbles into a butchers shop.

the drunk says ' can i have some sherry'

the butcher politely and trying not to swear, replies ' sorry mate we dont sell f'in sherry, youre going to have to leave'

20 minutes later the drunk returns and says ' can i have a glass of sherry'

the butcher aggresively answers ' ive already told you we dont sell f'in sherry now go away'

20 minutes later the drunk returns again and says ' can i have a glass of sherry'

the butcher very angrily replies ' look mate we dont sell f'in sherry'

the drunk then gets very aggresive and picks up a knife and threatens the butcher

the drunk tries to get behind the counter and look for sherry but before he does the butcher says ' actually mate weve got some of that posh sherry, its spelt with an 'f' in it i think'

the drunk very puzzled replies ' theres no f in cherry'

the butcher replies ' i know thats what ive been telling you all day now piss off!!'

:giggle::whistle::whistle::whistle:

Edited by morris1234
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morris1234

morris1234

Posted
Posted
I reckon a dyslexic would find that OK, as it's only one letter and the rest are numbers - all the dyslexics I know are fine with numbers and can rememebr sole letters

yea... crap joke ;)

well ive got a close friend that struggles with things like this, like when he goes shopping he finds it incredibly difficult to read the isle labels and he can even struggle with things like pages in a book so if you tell him to go to whatever page he struggles to find it, unless he can count the pages one by one then its hard. so its just one of those things. anyway no offence intended to anybody just a joke :thumbup:

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Rincewind

Rincewind

Posted
Posted

A drunk staggers into a bar and declares ' I'd like to buy everybody a drink.' The landlord pours the drinks and says to the drunk 'that'll be £34.' The drunk says sorry i'm broke,' The landlord is furious and jumps over the bar and throws the drunk out of the pub.

The next day the drunk returns and says the same thing adding 'and have one yourself landlord'

The landlord decides to give him the benifit of the doubt and pours the drinks. Again the drunk says he can't pay. This time the landlord is really mad an beats the drunk senseless.

The next day he comes in again and before he says anything the landlord says 'Don't tell me the drinks are on you.'

'Not quite' replies the drunk' leave yourself out this time, you get violent when you've had a drink.'

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The problem with some people is that when they are not drunk they are sober.

William Butler Yeats.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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