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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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DB11

DB11

Posted
Posted
:frusty::frusty:

i know you never said it. danny did thats why i said read post 932.

So why edit my quote to make the 3 hours larger to stand out and then say danny, which is also my name, to make it look like I just said it there in the quote.

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davieG

davieG

Posted
Posted
Edit: Now I get it... hardly funny though
Jokes are never as funny when it takes 3 hours to get a simple punchline.
I was working out where to put the f, u and c.
it took you 3 hours to work out where to put the f, u and c. :blink::blink:
Who said 3 hours? Look at the time of my original post and then the time of my edit... not even minutes.
danny
Creative... :rolleyes:
no seriously read post 932. :rolleyes:
I didn't say it
So why edit my quote to make the 3 hours larger to stand out and then say danny, which is also my name, to make it look like I just said it there in the quote.

I don't get these jokes now normally I quite like one liners but these, well they're just not funny!

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Rincewind

Rincewind

Posted
Posted (edited)

Three men are sitting at the bar comparing Derby pubs. One says' This is a nice bar, but theres a better one. At the Red Lion you buy a drink, then another one then McAllister the landlord buys you your third drink.'

The second man responds,' Thats nothing to the Black Horse. The landlords so good that he buys everyone a drink.'

'You think that's generous,' says the third, 'Theres this one pub called Armstrongs. They buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then they take you in a back room and get you laid.'

'Wow!' Chorused the other two. 'That sounds fantastic, did it actually happen to you?'

'No,' replied their friend, 'but it happened to my sister.'

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Changed the Location from Edingburgh so not to offend any Scots on here.

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When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Henry Youngman

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Edited by Nightguard
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lavrentis

lavrentis

Posted
Posted

A while ago my friend started school and he was a massive Tractor fan. He would go on about Tractors all day. I was talking to him the day before he started and I said to him, "can you promise me something"..he answers "yes", I say "don't mention tractors ever at your school, never touch the subject". He looks confused and said OK. The next day was his first day at school, they all sat down in class and flames hit the blackboard. The room was filled with smoke and fire was everywhere. My friend walked over near the fire, inhaled a large amount of smoke and fire, in fact all of it, he walked over to the window and exhaled it and it dissapeared. The teacher walked over to him and said "How did you do that?". He then replied "I used to be an extractor fan".

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Raj

Raj

Posted
Posted

A German guy approaches a prostitute and says 'I vish to buy sex

> vit you'

> 'OK' says the girl, 'I'll charge 100 dollars an hour'

> "Ist goot, But I must varn you, I am a little kinky"

> "No problem' she replies cautiously, 'I can do a little kinky"

> So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces

> four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

> 'I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs.'

> The girl finds this very strange, but complies, fastening the

> springs to her hands and knees.

> 'Now you vill get on your Hans and knees.'

> She duly does this, balancing on the springs.

> 'You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you.'

> She finds all this very odd, but figures it's harmless, and

> after all the guy is paying. The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all

> over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck

> caller.

> The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and

> it is several minutes before she has recovered her breath.

> Finally she gasps 'That was totally amazing....... What do you

> callThat?'

>

> 'Ah', says the German, 'Four-sprung duck technique'

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General Smuts

General Smuts

Posted
Posted

A man goes to a bar an orders 10 whiskeys and downs them all in one.

The barman asks whats wrong at the man replies 'I've just found out my son's gay'

The next day the man returns and orders 20 whiskeys and downs them all in one.

The barman says 'fook me does no one in your family like pussy?'

The man says 'Yes. My wife'

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Flynny

Flynny

Posted
Posted
A man goes to a bar an orders 10 whiskeys and downs them all in one.

The barman asks whats wrong at the man replies 'I've just found out my son's gay'

The next day the man returns and orders 20 whiskeys and downs them all in one.

The barman says 'fook me does no one in your family like pussy?'

The man says 'Yes. My wife'

I'm having that. Fantastic.

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Messi

Messi

Posted
Posted

After, finding Shannon Mathews under the bed, the portugese detectives are now going back to the McCans apartment to check under the bed

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The policeman who jumped off the cliff has has now finally proven that pigs cant fly

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Micky Ruddle

Micky Ruddle

Posted
Posted
After her success in the junior UK hide and seek championships, Shannon Matthews will now try her luck abroad by taking on current European champion...Madeline McCann

>_< ooooooch. Bit below the belt, but well yeah. :giggle:

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dhermon

dhermon

Posted
Posted

Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the aircraft. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some kind of a sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport property. Just as it begins to look as though the plane will plow straight into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines and books, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

Meanwhile, in the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and

says, 'You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die' !!

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