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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Jack

Jack

Posted
Posted

An englishman, irishman and scotsman are in the pub.

The englishman announces, "I think my wife's been cheating on me with a builder."

"Why's that then?" the others ask.

"The other day, I came home and found a toolbelt under the bed."

They drink on in silence.

Then the scotsman announces, "Ah think the wife is cheatin' on me with a gardener."

"Why's that then?" the others ask.

"The' other day I came home and found some gardening gloves under the bed."

They drink on in silence.

Finally, the irishman announces, "I think my wife's been having an affair with a horse."

"A horse!?"

"Honest to God! The other day I came home early and found a jockey hiding under the bed."

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Jack

Jack

Posted
Posted

I staggered out of the pub and down the street, until I was stopped by a policeman.

He said, "Where do you think you're going in that state?"

I replied, "I'm going to a lecture."

He said, "Yeah, right. Who gives a lecture at this time of night?"

"My wife," I said.

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gjp

gjp

Posted
Posted

CATHOLIC GIRLS

>

> A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and

>they all perish.

>

> They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when

St.

>Peter asks the

> first girl, " Tiffany, have you ever had any contact

with

>a male organ ?

>

> She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched

the

> head of one with the tip of my finger."

>

> St. Peter says,

>" Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through

>the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question,

>

> "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male

organ?"

>

>The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and

>stroked one."

>

> St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy

>Water and pass through the gate."

>

> All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line

>of girls.

>One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches

>the front,

>

> St.Peter says, "Reeva, What seems to be the rush?"

>

> The girl replies,

>"If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it

before

>Jessica sticks her ass in it".

>

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Messi

Messi

Posted
Posted
CATHOLIC GIRLS

>

> A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and

>they all perish.

>

> They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when

St.

>Peter asks the

> first girl, " Tiffany, have you ever had any contact

with

>a male organ ?

>

> She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched

the

> head of one with the tip of my finger."

>

> St. Peter says,

>" Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through

>the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question,

>

> "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male

organ?"

>

>The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and

>stroked one."

>

> St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy

>Water and pass through the gate."

>

> All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line

>of girls.

>One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches

>the front,

>

> St.Peter says, "Reeva, What seems to be the rush?"

>

> The girl replies,

>"If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it

before

>Jessica sticks her ass in it".

>

:crylaugh::crylaugh::crylaugh:

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Jack

Jack

Posted
Posted

This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.

The husband asks, "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."

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General Smuts

General Smuts

Posted
Posted

Joe and Wendy had been dating for years, but Joe was always sleeping around. When they finally decided to get engaged Wendy had an idea to keep Joe faithful. She made him get her name tatooed on his schlong. When he wasn't "standing at attention" though all you could see is the letters 'w' and 'y'. Joe and Wendy finally get married and are honeymooning in Jamaica when Joe goes to the bathroom in the resteraunt where they are dining. Standing next to him is his Jamaican waiter and he notices that he also has 'w' and 'y' tatooed on his dick. Joe asks him, "Is your girlfriend named Wendy, too?" "No mon, " replies the waiter", it says 'welcome to Jamaica have a nice day'."

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DB11

DB11

Posted
Posted
How Does Finners Make A U-Turn?

Wink at her.

<Pictorial help for DB11>

img_1582-ewe.jpg

I wouldn't have got that otherwise :giggle:

Joe and Wendy had been dating for years, but Joe was always sleeping around. When they finally decided to get engaged Wendy had an idea to keep Joe faithful. She made him get her name tatooed on his schlong. When he wasn't "standing at attention" though all you could see is the letters 'w' and 'y'. Joe and Wendy finally get married and are honeymooning in Jamaica when Joe goes to the bathroom in the resteraunt where they are dining. Standing next to him is his Jamaican waiter and he notices that he also has 'w' and 'y' tatooed on his dick. Joe asks him, "Is your girlfriend named Wendy, too?" "No mon, " replies the waiter", it says 'welcome to Jamaica have a nice day'."

Lol :giggle:

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Suffolk_fox

Suffolk_fox

Posted
Posted

SIGN IN A STORE WINDOW

"WE WOULD RATHER

DO BUSINESS WITH

1000 ALQAEDA TERRORISTS

THAN WITH ONE SINGLE BRITISH SOLDIER!"

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Campbeltown Scotland

and you are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement.

However, we are a society which holds

Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty.

And after all, it is only a sign.

You may ask,

"what kind of business would dare post such a sign ?."

Answer: A Funeral Home

(Who said morticians had no sense of humour?)

You gotta love it!!!

God Bless Scotland :giggle:

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Suffolk_fox

Suffolk_fox

Posted
Posted

A man walks into a pub and orders 5 double whiskies. Straight away he downs them one after the other, to the amazement of the barman.

"I really shouldn't have drunk that lot with what I've got..." he says.

"Why," asks barkeep "what have you got?"

"About 49p....."

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A fox for life

A fox for life

Posted
Posted (edited)

reland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small

two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.

Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and

expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walked into the doctors,

The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'

The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'

Edited by A fox for life
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