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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Uncle Albert

Uncle Albert

Posted
Posted

Some folks on here wont like this joke, but i have to tell it because it has made laugh.

First set your minds back to 31st August 1997.

Q. Has anyone heard about Princess Diana on the Radio?

A. She was on the Radio, The Dashboard, The Seats and The Steering Wheel.

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Tommeh

Tommeh

Posted
Posted
Some folks on here wont like this joke, but i have to tell it because it has made laugh.

First set your minds back to 31st August 1997.

Q. Has anyone heard about Princess Diana on the Radio?

A. She was on the Radio, The Dashboard, The Seats and The Steering Wheel.

I've heard some shockers from you but this one takes the biscuit!!!

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Messi

Messi

Posted
Posted

My brother forgot his anniversary... his wife told him the next morning there better be a present in the driveway that does 0-200 in 6 seconds.

He put a bathroom scale in the drive!

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There was a blonde who was one day praying to god this is what she said: "God can you please let me win the lottery? If I don't I'll lose my car and my house."

She didn't win the lottery.

She prayed again and said: "God I lost my car and I don't want to lose my house, so please let me win the lottery."

She didn't win the lottery and lost her house.

Once again she prayed but in the middle of her prayer a really bad thunderstorm came. God appeared out of the sky. So the blonde said: "God why haven't you been letting me win the lottery?" God replied: "Well you at least have to help out and buy a ticket!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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dhermon

dhermon

Posted
Posted

Douglas was being evaluated for mental problems and was asked by the doctor, 'If a train was coming down the hallway toward you, what would you do?'

Douglas replied, 'I would get in my helicopter and fly away!'

The doctor then asked, 'Where did you get a helicopter from?'

Douglas replied, 'The same place you got that fooking train!'

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WetFlannel

WetFlannel

Posted
Posted
Some folks on here wont like this joke, but i have to tell it because it has made laugh.

First set your minds back to 31st August 1997.

Q. Has anyone heard about Princess Diana on the Radio?

A. She was on the Radio, The Dashboard, The Seats and The Steering Wheel.

You had better make like Diana and hit the road...

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Jack

Jack

Posted
Posted

How many children have you got?" asks the council worker

"10" replies the Essex girl, "10?" says the council worker. "What are their names?"

"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne"

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah..." says the Essex girl "It's great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout "WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY", or "WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW" and they all do it..."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.

"That's easy," says the Essex girl... "I just use their surnames"

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General Smuts

General Smuts

Posted
Posted
How many children have you got?" asks the council worker

"10" replies the Essex girl, "10?" says the council worker. "What are their names?"

"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne"

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah..." says the Essex girl "It's great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout "WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY", or "WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW" and they all do it..."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.

"That's easy," says the Essex girl... "I just use their surnames"

As the MR of a girl liveing in essix

ROFL!!!

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Wycombe Fox

Wycombe Fox

Posted
Posted

Before you start reading the jokes below I'll just state that I really do love women!

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry it !

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A battery has a positive side.

What should you give a woman who has everything?

A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?

Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?

Because they don't have balls to scratch.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have

you done wrong?

Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably

never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer

to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required

pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the

front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by

90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

Women will never be equal to men...

until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and

still think they are sexy.

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Wycombe Fox

Wycombe Fox

Posted
Posted

Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up a crate of Stella and sticks them into the trolley.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on offer, only £10 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back. We can't afford it" says the wife and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the man.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful" she says.

The man replies... 'SO DOES 24 CANS OF STELLA AND IT'S HALF THE F**KING PRICE !"

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Wycombe Fox

Wycombe Fox

Posted
Posted

Two women were playing golf.

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the

next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,'How does that feel'?

He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'

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Thracian

Thracian

Posted
Posted

Father, son and grandfather were about to start a round of golf when they were hailed by a gorgeous young woman who explained that she was staying at the nearby hotel and wondered if she might join them.

Soimewhat abologetically she explained that she never played the course and was a bit of a novice so would the men mind giving her a bit of advice on the way around?

Not at all they replied and, true to their word, talked and encouraged the lady along wonderfully.

Coming to the 18th green the girl turned to the guys and said how much she'd enjoyed the game and explained that, with their help, it was the best game she'd ever played.

"In fact," she said,. "I'm so happy that whoever gives me the best advice with this next putt can come up to my hotel room with me afterwards for what I promise will be a very nice time."

Father focused intently on the putt which was some 35 feet and declared that a line about a foot right of the pin would send the ball curling into the hole.

The son took his time but thought his dad had missed a little hump in the green and that the real line was only six inches outside the pin.

Studying the putt however, grandfather had no doubts.

"That's a gimme," he said, taking the girl by the hand.

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dhermon

dhermon

Posted
Posted
What's the difference between a baby and a chicken?

A chicken doesn't scream when you put it in the oven

Thats just the kiddies version

Q. whats the difference between a jew and a pizza

A. Pizza dont scream when you put it in the oven

:ph34r:

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General Smuts

General Smuts

Posted
Posted

Its Chico Time! I mean its Limerick Time.

There was a young girl from Wick,

Who asked her mum what's a ****,

Her mother said Annie

It goes up your fanny

And jumps up and down till it's sick.

______________________________________

There was an old man from gosham,

who got out his bollocks to wash'em,

His wife said oh jack

If you don't put'em back,

i'll stand on the bastards and squash em

______________________________________

Q) What do you get with nuts on your wall?

A) Walnuts

Q) What do you get with nuts on your chest?

A) Chestnuts

Q) What do you get with nuts on your chin?

A) A mouth full of cock!

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