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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Guest

Guest

Posted
Posted
West yorkshire police have been questioning Shannon matthews Mum.

Not about Why Shannon disappeared but how the fcuk she got 5 blokes to shag her!!!!

One of life's great mysteries that. They must've had beer blindfolds on

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General Smuts

General Smuts

Posted
Posted

A lad asks his father 'Whats the difference between Theoretically and Realistically?'.

Dad says 'Ask your mam whether shed sleep with the milkman for a million quid. His mother says yes.

Now ask your sister if shed sleep with the postman for 2 million quid. She also says yes.

There you got then Dad says. Theoretically were sitting on 3 million quid here. Realistically were living with 2 slags.

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MikeyT

MikeyT

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Posted

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open".

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l444ry

l444ry

Posted
Posted

Horrific accident in mime show

World famous Australian mime artist Jason Blue is to have a carriage clock removed from his anus after he slipped on stage during his human depiction 'The Passage of Time' at the Sydney Opera House.

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General Smuts

General Smuts

Posted
Posted

Three ducks walked into a bar...

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the

first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of

puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said

Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to

the second duck, "Hi,

and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and

out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck

want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So,

you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is

Puddles."

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General Smuts

General Smuts

Posted
Posted

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit...

Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Stuart: - No way - he's a geologist.

Dave: - He ain't no geologist ! A geologist wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder...

Dave: - Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken ! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!

Dave: - Oh ! What's that then ?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example. Do you have a goldfish at home?

Dave: - Er, mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Dave: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?

Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Dave: - Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?

Dave: - Me? Never

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Dave: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.

Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Stuart: - What's that then?

Dave:- I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Stuart: - Nope

Dave: - Well then, you're a willy puller

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Wycombe Fox

Wycombe Fox

Posted
Posted

Menu

Starter

Egg on Face

Seasoned Hash

Frogs legs (past their best)

Spanish Surprise (well beaten)

Main course

Humble Pie

Chump Chops

French (has) Beans

Manager's Beef (not rare)

Catch of the Day - (gutted)

NB: everything is imported, nothing is home grown.

Dessert

Sour Grapes (may be hard to swallow)

Fruitless Tarts

Raspberry Fools

Hard Cheese

Drinks

Bitter

Little Spirit

French Whine

Cabernet Empty 2008

Champagne - sorry none ordered

STRICTLY NO DOUBLES OR TREBLES

NB: drinks should be consumed from glasses as there will be no cups this year.

Please also note that guests will have to use plastic cutlery, as the only silverware in North London is at the other end of the Seven Sister road..

Guest speakers:

Steven Gerrard & Rafa Benitez - "What it's like to win the European Cup"

Please note that the club’s European Tour for the season 2008-09 is not guaranteed.

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dhermon

dhermon

Posted
Posted

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night

all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes .

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend said: "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4" stilettos and mask. He said, "You are the woman of my life, I love you...then we made love all night long."

The mistress stated: "Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night."

The married one then said: "The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes.

My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, "Hey Batman, what's for dinner?"

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4 Kinell

4 Kinell

Posted
Posted

Two coucil workers in the park

One of them is digging holes

The other one is filling them in

After watching them for five minutes

A man asks them what exactly they are doing

There's usually three of us says one of the workers

But the guy who plants the trees is off today. :mellow:

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