The joke thread

[General Smuts]

First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door.

Funny sense of humour my plumber has.

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "morning."

He replied, "No, just having a shit."

You read Nuts this week then

[samingram_uk]

You read Nuts this week then

Naa, sikipedia.com

[Webbo]

An old Austrian proverb.

A good woman is like a fine wine.

Best kept in a cellar.

[Tabou]

What is the number one cause of Paedophilia in the UK?

Sexy Kids.

[hairy]

Dildo storms Russian press conference

[WetFlannel]

Dildo storms Russian press conference

[hairy]

[samingram_uk]

[Tilley]

Thats three threads this has fell into.

[MikeyT]

A Woman had a facelift for her 50th birthday

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking,

but how old do you think I am?'

'About 32,' is the reply.

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl

the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on

her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and

asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to

her the same question.

He replies,'I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young,

there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very

forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then,

and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best

of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very

slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently

pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against

each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay...How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says,

'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you

tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't,' she says.

'I was behind you in McDonald

[Smudge]

A husband reluctantly agreed to play in the couples' alternate shot tournament at his club. He teed off on the first hole, a par four, and blistered a drive 300 yards down the middle of the fairway. Upon reaching the ball, the husband said to his wife "Just hit it toward the green, anywhere around there will be fine."

The wife proceeded to shank the ball deep into the woods.

Undaunted, the husband said "That's OK, Sweetheart" and spent the full five minutes looking for the ball. He found it just in time, but in a horrible position. He played the shot of his life to get the ball within two feet of the hole.

He told his wife to knock the ball in.

His wife then proceeded to knock the ball off the green and into a bunker.

Still maintaining composure, the husband summoned all of his skill and holed the shot from the bunker.

He took the ball out of the cup and while walking off the green, put his arm around his wife and calmly said, "Honey, that was a bogey, and that's OK, but I think we can do better on the next hole."

To which she replied: "Listen asshole, don't bitch at me, only 2 of those 5 shots were mine."

[Ultra]

The Pope was sitting in his garden, when he suddenly felt the urge to masturbate. Because of the high walls around the garden he thought it would be alright.

Just as he was reaching the vinegar strokes, he saw a flash from the top of the opposite wall. When he went to investigate, he saw a photographer there with camera in hand.

The Pope asked him for the film in the camera because if the picture got out, it would ruin the Catholic faith.

The photographer refused, stating that the picture that he has taken would earn him at least five thousand pounds.

So the Pope did a deal with him and bought the camera off him for five thousand pounds.

Later, the Pope was walking through the garden with the camera swinging on his shoulder.

One of his cleaners saw him with the camera and said to him, "that's a nice camera you have there, how much did it cost you?"

"I bought it off a photographer and it cost me five thousand pounds."

"Five thousand pounds" exclaimed the cleaner, "he must have seen you coming!"

[Miquel The Work Geordie]

Has anyone heard of this new John Terry Vodka...

Made in London...

...Bottled in Moscow.

[Fox You Forest]

Dildo storms Russian press conference

That's Brilliant.

How do you find these things.

[Trav Le Bleu]

I had a bhuddist friend who always refused any gas or injections when he had any work done on his teeth. Instead he would get a monk to come in with him and constantly chant a mantra. He liked to transcend dental medication.

[DB11]

http://img529.imageshack.us/my.php?image=jterryuz3.png

[hairy]

How do you find these things.

Other forums.

[Unabomber]

Frank Lampard and Joe Cole were spotted out in Red Square after the match, clearly pissed reportedly singing "We're forever blowing doubles"

Ryan Giggs Recently compared the Champions League to a chocolate orange. "It's not Terry's, it's mine"

And finally

Samaritans are offering couselling to all Chelsea, Just call 0800 6-5-6-5-6-5. If that line is busy then try 0800 101010, that's 0800 won nothing, won nothing, won nothing.

[Unabomber]

Its only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realise just how often they burst into flames.

[dhermon]

A tourist walked into a Sydney curio/antique shop. After looking around

for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat. It had no price

tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.

He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?' The owner

replied: 'It's $20 for the rat, and $100 for the story.' The tourist gave

the owner his $20 and said: 'I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story.'

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had

crawled out of the sewers and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so

he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of

rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a

very menacing way. He increased his speed and ran on towards the beach and,

as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their

MILLIONS, and they were running faster and faster.

By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze rat far

out into the water. Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water

after it and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: 'Ah,

you've come back for the story then?'

'No,' said the tourist. 'I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim

fundamentalist cleric, a Poof, a Collingwood supporter, and anything Kiwi'

[wurmer]

http://img529.imageshack.us/my.php?image=jterryuz3.png

Brilliant!

[Ultra]

Why did audiences scream so loud at Beatles concerts?

The shock of seeing four scousers working.

[Ultra]

After having their 11th child, a Coventry couple decided that was enough, as the DWP wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.

The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The sky blue said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5,"

...at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand...

[samingram_uk]

After having their 11th child, a Coventry couple decided that was enough, as the DWP wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.

The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The sky blue said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5,"

...at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand...

I think you mean place the firework between his leg

[DB11]

I think you mean place the firework between his leg

The fire work (banger) is in the beer can though...