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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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lavrentis

lavrentis

Posted
Posted

I took my dog to the vet the other day as it was ill. The vet picked him up and had a good look at him and said "I'm sorry sir but I'm going to have to put him down". I replied "Oh no, why?", The vet said "Because he's too heavy".

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Wycombe Fox

Wycombe Fox

Posted
Posted

A man walked into his backyard in a residential neighborhood one morning. He saw a 600 pound Gorilla sitting in his tree.He telephoned an emergency Gorilla Removal Service, and shortly a technician arrived with a stick, a pair of hand cuffs, a tiny Chihuahua, and a shotgun.

"Now listen carefully", he told the homeowner. "I am going to climb the tree, and poke the Gorilla with this stick, until he falls to the ground. My trained Chihuahua will go right for the Gorilla's testicles, and when the Gorilla instinctively crosses his hands over his testicles to protect himself, you slap on the hand cuffs without delay."

"OK... got it," the homeowner replied. "But what is the shotgun for?"

Said the technician... "If I should fall out of the tree before the Gorilla... SHOOT the Chihuahua!!!"

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'Y'know' says the Scotsman, 'I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth drink for you.'

'Well,' replies the Englishman, 'at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.'

'Ahhhhh, that's nothing,' says the Irishman. 'Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, and another again... all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house.'

The Scotsman and the Englishman dismiss the Irishman's claims. But he swears every word is true.

'Well,' asks the Englishman, 'did this actually happen to you?'

'Not me meself, personally, no,' says the Irishman, 'But it DID happen to me sister.'

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Mr Happy

Mr Happy

Posted
Posted

Man and wife having a stroll in the zoo, when a gorillla starts to get a hard on as he sees the wife. Husband says 'lift up your skirt and tease him' Gorilla goes mental. Husband then says 'Now get your tits out!' Gorilla goes bananas Husband then opens the cage and throws his wife in, 'Now tell him your've got a f**king headache!!'

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Two irish couples decide to spice up their love lifes by swaping partners for the evening. Afterwards Paddy said 'That was bloody great, I wonder how the girls got on?'

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A man hires chinese P.I. Chen Lee to watch his wife. A few days later he gets his report:

Most hon sir, I watch house, You leave house, He came to house, He and she leave house, I follow, He and she go to hotel, I climb tree and look in window, He kiss she, She kiss he, He strip, She strip, He play with she, She play with he, I play with me, I fall out of tree, I not see, No fee, Chen Lee, Weely Sollee

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Two men at the airport, 1st man says "I can't find my wife" The second man says he can't either. "What does yours look like?" he asks. The 1st man replys "Shes 6ft, has blonde hair, big boobs, long legs and shes wearing stockings, a mini skirt, boob tube and high heels. Waht does your wife look like?" Second man replys "Fvuk her! We'll look for yours!"

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Trumpet

Trumpet

Posted
Posted

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a

big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that

after dinner, she would like to go out and make love

for the first time.

* * * * * * * * *

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex

before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get

some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and

the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and

sex.

* * * * * * * * *

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many

condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family

pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he

thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

* * * * * * * * *

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents

house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm

so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

* * * * * * * * *

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table

where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly

offers to say grace and bows his head.

* * * * * * * * *

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,

with his head down.

* * * * * * * * *

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

* * * * * * * * *

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the

girlfriend leans over and whispers to the

boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

* * * * * * * *

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your

father was a pharmacist."

* * * * * * * * *

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AoWW

AoWW

Posted
Posted

:/ Don't think this has been done before...

A Pirate walks into his local pub after a long time at sea. The barman says: 'My goodness, what happened to you? You look in a right state!'

'What do you mean, matey?' asks the Pirate.

'Well,' says the barman, 'that wooden leg, for starters? How did you get that?'

'Arrr,' replies the Pirate. 'Fired upon, we were, by another ship - the cannonball took off my leg.'

'Tough luck there,' says the barman. 'But what about that hook where your hand used to be?'

'Arrr,' answer the Pirate. 'I was boardin' another ship and got my hand cut off in the fight. Had the hook put on afterwards.'

'Grim,' says the barman. 'But what about the eyepatch over your eye? What happened there?'

'Arrr,' says the Pirate. 'I was walkin' on deck and looked up just as a seagull flew by. It pooped right in me eye.'

The barman cries in disbelief: 'You lost your eye just because a seagull pooped in it?'

'No,' replies the Pirate. 'But 'twas my first day with the hook.'

:pirate:

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Ultra

Ultra

Posted
Posted

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer - you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

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the_bowman

the_bowman

Posted
Posted

How to Give a Cat a Tablet

Pick the cat up and cradle in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into it, allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind the sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call partner in from garden. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get partner to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from the foil wrap. Make note to buy a new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered 'Dolton' figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. Wrap cat in large towel and get partner to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

Check label to make sure pills not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply plaster to partners forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. Retrieve cat from neighbours shed and get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon and flick pill down throat with elastic band.

Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road and apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid the cat. Take last pill from foil wrap. Tie cats front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed and pry cat's mouth open with a small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by a large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour a pint of water down throat to wash down pill.

Get partner to drive you to the Emergency Room and sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearms and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call at furniture shop on way home to order new table.

Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat. Ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to Give a Dog a Tablet

Throw it in the air.

Say "Catch"

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the_bowman

the_bowman

Posted
Posted

A Dog's Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!

10:40 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!

12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!

5:00 pm - Dinner! My favourite thing!

7:30 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!

A Cat's Diary

Day 972 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Evil People!!

Day 973 of my captivity.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Day 974 of my captivity.

Two workmen came to the house today. As they rested after strengthening the interior of my confines, I sat on one, gently hooking my claws into their clothing. My plan was to cling on until they left, thus escape with them under the cover of their departure. The other workman went outside first and came back smelling strangely after something called a "cigarette". Curses! I'd picked the wrong one! I heard they are coming back again in another week. I will repeat my escape attempt then.

Day 975 of my captivity.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now......

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Tabou

Tabou

Posted
Posted
I've just booked a 1 way ticket to hell for laughing at this!!!!

Ahhh it's not that bad.... :giggle:

I have to be honest, I am English myself but some of the American jokes that are doing the rounds just completely ruin it for me. I mean, what the **** happened on the ninth of November anyway?

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Jack

Jack

Posted
Posted

I was chatting with an ex-girlfriend the other day. I said, "I have to confess, I was having sex with Mandy last night and all I did was think about you."

"Really, do you miss me that much?" she asked.

"No, it stops me from coming too quickly." I replied

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Webbo

Webbo

Posted
Posted (edited)

Paddy's talking to Mick in the pub.

"I'm going on me holidays tomorrow. Do you want me to get you any fags?"

"Yeah, can you get me 200 Bensons"

A fortnight later Paddy sees Mick in the pub.

"Here's your Bensons. You owe me £75.50."

"Gees! Where did you go for your holiday?"

Paddy:"Butlins."

Edited by Webbo
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