The joke thread

[samingram_uk]

New football boots - 150 Pound.

New haircut - 50 Pound

Providing your family with luxury accommodation for 3 weeks - 3000 Pound

Losing the Euro 08 cup final, Champions League Final, Premier League final day show down, League cup final, Fa cup quarter final all in the same season... fooking priceless

There are some things money can't buy but for everything else there's Ballackcard.

[DB11]

New football boots - 150 Pound.

New haircut - 50 Pound

Providing your family with luxury accommodation for 3 weeks - 3000 Pound

Losing the Euro 08 cup final, Champions League Final, Premier League final day show down, League cup final, Fa cup quarter final all in the same season... fooking priceless

There are some things money can't buy but for everything else there's Ballackcard.

Jesus where do you get your hair cut?

[Stinkenzo]

New football boots - 150 Pound.

New haircut - 50 Pound

Providing your family with luxury accommodation for 3 weeks - 3000 Pound

Losing the Euro 08 cup final, Champions League Final, Premier League final day show down, League cup final, Fa cup quarter final all in the same season... fooking priceless

There are some things money can't buy but for everything else there's Ballackcard.

[billyfox1]

husband and wife decide a password for sex.(WASHING MACHINE)

they go to bed and husband say's "washing machine". His wife replies "not tonight i've got a headache"

half an hour later she starts to feel guilty, she turns to her husband and says "washing machine", to which her hausband replied

"it's too late, it was only a small load so i did it by hand!"

[Jack]

Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said Little Johnny.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

Edited 30 June 2008 by Jack

[Floating Fox]

Woman goes to the doctors & says:

"Everytime I take my bra off a black man pops up between my tits pulling stupid faces!"

Doctor replies:

"You must have sillycoon implants!" .

[Asha]

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day,she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love," the boy replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"

"With YOU!" he said.

"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!"

[samingram_uk]

A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the police. The police officer approaches him and asks,

"Have you been drinking Sir?"

"No. Why?" replies the man. "Was I all over the road?"

"No," replies the officer, "you were driving splendidly.

It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious."

[Asha]

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.

Bartender - 'What can I get you?'

Young Man - 'I want 6 shots of Jagermeister'

Bartender - '6 shots!? Are you celebrating something?'

Young Man - 'Yeah, my first blowjob.'

Bartender - 'Well in that case sir, let me give you the 7th on the house'

Young Man - 'No offense sir, but if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will...'

[samingram_uk]

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.

Bartender - 'What can I get you?'

Young Man - 'I want 6 shots of Jagermeister'

Bartender - '6 shots!? Are you celebrating something?'

Young Man - 'Yeah, my first blowjob.'

Bartender - 'Well in that case sir, let me give you the 7th on the house'

Young Man - 'No offense sir, but if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will...'

I love da Yaga

[samingram_uk]

Blackpool tower needs a new lick of Paint.

So the foreman in charge finds three men who could do the job. An English man, an Irish man and a Scottish man.

The Scotish man is first to see foreman. The foreman ask's ' How much will the job cost in total?'

The Scots man say's ' 3000 pounds.'

'Thats great' says the foreman, 'Could you break that down for me please?' the foreman asks.

'Certinally' says the Scott. ' 1000 pounds for materials, 1000 pounds for the labour and 1000 pounds for myself.'

' Thats fantastic, i'll let you know if you've got the job soon.' Says the foreman.

Next up is the English man.

The foreman ask's the English man ' How much will the job cost in total?'

The English man say's ' 6000 pounds.'

'Thats lovely' says the foreman, 'Could you break that down for me please?' the foreman asks.

'Of corse' say's the Englismen. ' 2000 pounds for materials, 2000 pounds for the labour and 2000 pounds for myself.'

' Thats reasonable, i'll let you know if you've got the job soon.' Says the foreman.

Next to come in is the Irish man.

The foreman ask's the Irish man ' How much will the job cost in total?'

The Irish man say's ' 9000 pounds.'

'Oh i see' says the foreman, 'could you break that down for me please?' the foreman asks.

'By jeebus of corse laddy.' Say's the Irishman. ' 3000 pounds for myself, 3000 pounds for you, and we'll get that Scottish cu*t to do the job for 3000.'

Edited 2 July 2008 by samingram_uk

[David Guiza]

seen this on tv t'other day

What do you call a many black men burried in a field from the neck down ?

Afro Turf

Edited 2 July 2008 by Lcfc15

[Asha]

After a woman meets a man in a bar, they talk and end up leaving together. They get back to his flat, and as he's showing her around, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of them - all arranged in size, from the smallest on the shelves along the floor, to the huge daddy bears on the very top shelf. Although surprised, the woman decides not to mention this to him. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks smiling, "How was it?", "Well," says the man, frowning. "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."

[Jack]

A young couple had just had great sex. When they were finished, she looked in the box of condoms, but there were only six left out of twelve, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?"

His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them."

Later, she then approached one of her Male friends, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?"

"Yeah, once or twice," he said.

"You mean you've actually wanked with a condom before?" she asked.

"Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my girlfriend."

[Asha]

A young couple had just had great sex. When they were finished, she looked in the box of condoms, but there were only six left out of twelve, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?"

His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them."

Later, she then approached one of her Male friends, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?"

"Yeah, once or twice," he said.

"You mean you've actually wanked with a condom before?" she asked.

"Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my girlfriend."

[Trav Le Bleu]

I saw a busker playing "Breakfast in America" the other day.

I said, "Hey, that's Supertramp!"

He replied, "Thank's, I like to think I'm not too bad."

[Mr Happy]

"See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum... and one night... one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they’re going to escape! So like they get up on to the roof, and there, just across the narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in moon light... stretching away to freedom. Now the first guy he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend daren't make the leap. Y'see he's afraid of falling... So then the first guy has an idea. He says "Hey! I have my flash light with me. I will shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk across the beam and join me." But the second guy just shakes his head. He says... he says "What do you think I am, crazy? You would turn it off when I was half way across."

[dhermon]

Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise.

They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.

After a while Bubbles says, 'Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?"

Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep said, "Nope, not yet Bubbles."

So they row a little farther.... Again Bubbles asks Barbie, "Do you think we're out far enough now?"

Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No, this will never do. The water is only up to my chest."

So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles is really getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface,

gasping for breath she says, "OK, it's finally deep enough. Hand me the shovel."

[Jack]

I got kicked out of school a few years back. The headmaster caught me behind the bike shed, fingering one of the girls from my class.

When I was leaving, he said it was a pity, because he reckoned I was the best Maths teacher the school had ever seen

[potter3]

I got kicked out of school a few years back. The headmaster caught me behind the bike shed, fingering one of the girls from my class.

When I was leaving, he said it was a pity, because he reckoned I was the best Maths teacher the school had ever seen

Forgot I was in the joke thread then

[dhermon]

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says, 'Pierre, kiss me!'

Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

'What are you doing, Pierre ?' says the startled Marie.

'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!'

She smiles and they start kissing.

Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, 'Pierre, kiss me lower.'

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts.

'Pierre! What are you doing now?' asks the bewildered Marie.

'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!'

She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude: and things really steam up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, 'Pierre, kiss me much lower!'

Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap.

He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine.

Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, 'PIERRE , WHAT IN THE FU$K DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?'

Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly,

'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!'

[DB11]

This joke was told to me by an Indian :)

Why are Indians so shit at football??

Whenever they get a corner they build a shop

[Floating Fox]

This joke was told to me When I was 5 :)

Why are Indians so shit at football??

Whenever they get a corner they build a shop

[DB11]

I'd never heard it before

[Stinkenzo]