The joke thread

[DB11]

I remember a while ago you said you hated people sucking up

[Benjani]

It's the first day of term and the new teacher of a class of 5 year olds is very nervous, so to break the ice she says to the class "Hello everybody. I'm Miss Smith and I support Coventry City. Please raise your hand if you also support Coventry City. So every child in the class raises their hand.

All except one - a little boy called Will.

Miss Smith says "Whats wrong? Why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I support Leicester City Miss and I'm very proud of it" says Will.

"Why do you support Leicester City?" asks Miss Smith.

"Because my Mum and Dad have both supported Leicester since they were little so thats why I support Leicester Miss"

A furious Miss Smith says "Just because your parents do something it doesn't mean that you have to do it also. Put it this way if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and a car thief what would that make you Will?"

Will smiles "A Coventry fan Miss!!!

Bluuuee Arrmmmyy!

Edited 6 July 2008 by Benjani

[Ashley]

It's the first day of term and the new teacher of a class of 5 year olds is very nervous, so to break the ice she says to the class "Hello everybody. I'm Miss Smith and I support Coventry City. Please raise your hand if you also support Coventry City. So every child in the class raises their hand.

All except one - a little boy called Will.

Miss Smith says "Whats wrong? Why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I support Leicester City Miss and I'm very proud of it" says Will.

"Why do you support Leicester City?" asks Miss Smith.

"Because my Mum and Dad have both supported Leicester since they were little so thats why I support Leicester Miss"

A furious Miss Smith says "Just because your parents do something it doesn't mean that you have to do it also. Put it this way if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and a car thief what would that make you Ben?"

Will smiles "A Coventry fan Miss!!!

Bluuuee Arrmmmyy!

Very good, in here next time.

[allard7]

now that was funny !

[Benjani]

Very good, in here next time.

Oh ok mateee.

[fox123]

Herarious

[LCFCUSA]

Lovely

[Jack]

FEMALE GEOGRAPHY

- Between 18 and 25, a woman is like Africa : wild, naturally beautiful and full of mysterious, fertile deltas.

- Between 26 and 34, a woman is like America : well-developed and open for trade, especially for those with stacks of money.

- Between 35 and 44, a woman is like India : sensual, relaxed, in full bloom, aware of her beauty.

- Between 45 and 54, a woman is like France : deliciously mature, still a pleasant destination to visit.

- Between 55 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia : a lost war, haunted by the mistakes of the past. Major reconstruction work is mostly the only answer.

- Between 61 and 65, a woman is like Russia : vast, with undefined frontier. The cold climate puts off any potential visitors.

- Between 66 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia : a glorious past, great conquests, but without a future.

- After 70, a woman is like Afghanistan or the north pole: many know its whereabouts, but no-one dares to venture there...

MALE GEOGRAPHY

- Between 15 and 90, a man is like America : ruled by a dick...

[Stinkenzo]

I remember a while ago you said you hated people sucking up

:laugh:

Im not sucking up.

[hairy]

[Master Fox]

I don't get it?

[Foxhateram]

haha Well she certainly wouldn't make it as a journalist. Maybe she should take Basic literacy at college. hehe

[Tabou]

Stupid bitch.

[blue blood]

what is yellow and blue and has i tight cu nt at the end of it?

A Lidl carrier bag!

Edited 10 July 2008 by blue blood

[Fox You Forest]

[Asha]

Am I right in thinking the joke lies in 'Have a good time' -> Please see me.....?

[potter3]

Am I right in thinking the joke lies in 'Have a good time' -> Please see me.....?

The whole thing's a joke, she's saying that college isn't necessary yet she can't write/type properly.

Edited 11 July 2008 by potter3

[Bellend Sebastian]

"Doctor, would you please kiss me" says the patient.

"No, although you are a very beautiful woman, it's completely against my code of ethics" replies her doctor.

"Please, just one kiss", she pleads.

"Sorry", says the doctor, "but it's totally out of the question. In all honesty you shouldn't even be sucking my cock"

[Tommy G]

I found this group earlier on facebook, I found the sayings quite funny

Hang out with your wang out, cast out with your mast out, roll out with your pole out, beat out with your meat out, rock out with your cock out, sail out with your whale out, hump out with your pump out, jump out with your stump out, punk out with your junk out, stab out with your crab out, punch out with your lunch out, push out with your bush out, funk out with your monk out, drape out with your ape out, call out with your ball out, steam out with your beam out, run out with your gun out, sit out with your bit out, hype out with your pipe out, chill out with your drill out, call out with your small out, charge out with your large out (not applicable to all), slave out with your flav out, spank out with your crank out, see out with your wee out, mung out with your togune, camp out with your lamp out, Craig out with your peg out, wife out with your knife out, stand out with your hand out, hear out with your stear out, jerkey out with your turkey out, rub out with your flub out, tan out with your man out, stone out with your bone out, dip out with your ship out, peel out with your keel out, beard out with your weird out, unbutton out with your mutton out, slam out with your spam out, cram out with your jam out, pry out with your spy out, spill out with your dill out, faint out with your taint out, try out with your KY out, Jake out with your snake out, fool out with your tool out, work out with your jerk out, binge out with your fringe out, cry out with your tie out, twat out with your brat out, sock out with your block out, house out with your mouse out, zipper out with your clipper out, wharf out with your dwarf out, T.P. out with your peepee out, nose out with your bros out, nausage out with your sausage out (Matt Kyrias), fool out with you stool out, toke out with your spoke out, hair out with your pair out, fox out with your locks out, quip out with your whip out, think out with your pink out, find out with your mind out, fart out with your tart out, clean out with your bean out, mug out with your bug out, Chad out with your bad out, bond out with your wand out, scruff out with your muff out, fable out with your cable out (ask chad about that), cream out with your team out, weed out with your deed out, truck out with your fook out, cop out with your pop out, slob out with your nob out, edge out with your wedge, mom out with your tom out, stick out with your brick out, boob out with your tube out, creep out with your sheep out, whack out with your stack out, fog out with your dog out, head out with your bread out, cook out with your book out, read out with your steed out, lug out with your plug out, bitch out with your witch out, sword out with your cord out, blink out with your link out, thug out with your nug out, bog out with your log out, skunk out with your trunk out, mope out with your pope out, juke out with your spook out, pong out with your schlong out, pepperoni out with your balongia out (kyrias again), stencil out with your pencil out, pump out with your lump out, spray out with your play out, saw out with your claw out, spectacle out with your testicle out, pop out with your slop out, man out with your can out, stare out with your bear out, stick out with your dick out, number out with your lumber out, pee out with your tree out, brewed out with your crude out, nap out with your slap out, plug out with your slug out, dreaming out with your demon out, bag out with your flag out, Billy out with your willy out, MILF out with your FILTH out!.......

My personal favourite has to be ''creep out with your sheep out''

[Ashley]

[samingram_uk]

A plane is in flight.

Suddenly a speaker goes on, and the pilot says 'Hello ladies and Gentlemen, we've just reached, OH SHIT!'

The stunned passengers wait in a terrified silence. Finnaly, the speaker comes back on, and the pilot once again speaks. 'Sorry for that disturbance, the stewardess just spilt coffee on me. You should see the front of my pants!'

A man at the end of the plane shouts 'You should see the back of mine!'

[Monk]

I found this group earlier on facebook, I found the sayings quite funny

Hang out with your wang out, cast out with your mast out, roll out with your pole out, beat out with your meat out, rock out with your cock out, sail out with your whale out, hump out with your pump out, jump out with your stump out, punk out with your junk out, stab out with your crab out, punch out with your lunch out, push out with your bush out, funk out with your monk out, drape out with your ape out, call out with your ball out, steam out with your beam out, run out with your gun out, sit out with your bit out, hype out with your pipe out, chill out with your drill out, call out with your small out, charge out with your large out (not applicable to all), slave out with your flav out, spank out with your crank out, see out with your wee out, mung out with your togune, camp out with your lamp out, Craig out with your peg out, wife out with your knife out, stand out with your hand out, hear out with your stear out, jerkey out with your turkey out, rub out with your flub out, tan out with your man out, stone out with your bone out, dip out with your ship out, peel out with your keel out, beard out with your weird out, unbutton out with your mutton out, slam out with your spam out, cram out with your jam out, pry out with your spy out, spill out with your dill out, faint out with your taint out, try out with your KY out, Jake out with your snake out, fool out with your tool out, work out with your jerk out, binge out with your fringe out, cry out with your tie out, twat out with your brat out, sock out with your block out, house out with your mouse out, zipper out with your clipper out, wharf out with your dwarf out, T.P. out with your peepee out, nose out with your bros out, nausage out with your sausage out (Matt Kyrias), fool out with you stool out, toke out with your spoke out, hair out with your pair out, fox out with your locks out, quip out with your whip out, think out with your pink out, find out with your mind out, fart out with your tart out, clean out with your bean out, mug out with your bug out, Chad out with your bad out, bond out with your wand out, scruff out with your muff out, fable out with your cable out (ask chad about that), cream out with your team out, weed out with your deed out, truck out with your fook out, cop out with your pop out, slob out with your nob out, edge out with your wedge, mom out with your tom out, stick out with your brick out, boob out with your tube out, creep out with your sheep out, whack out with your stack out, fog out with your dog out, head out with your bread out, cook out with your book out, read out with your steed out, lug out with your plug out, bitch out with your witch out, sword out with your cord out, blink out with your link out, thug out with your nug out, bog out with your log out, skunk out with your trunk out, mope out with your pope out, juke out with your spook out, pong out with your schlong out, pepperoni out with your balongia out (kyrias again), stencil out with your pencil out, pump out with your lump out, spray out with your play out, saw out with your claw out, spectacle out with your testicle out, pop out with your slop out, man out with your can out, stare out with your bear out, stick out with your dick out, number out with your lumber out, pee out with your tree out, brewed out with your crude out, nap out with your slap out, plug out with your slug out, dreaming out with your demon out, bag out with your flag out, Billy out with your willy out, MILF out with your FILTH out!.......

My personal favourite has to be ''creep out with your sheep out''

Nice to see you stating your sources for a change TG

[billyfox1]

A Damn Fine Explanation

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very

attractive young woman and was somewhat upset!'You are a disrespectful

pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the

mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight

away!' And the husband replied 'Hang on just a minute love, so atleast

I can tell you what happened.''Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed, 'but they'll

be the last words you'll ever say to me!! And the husband began --

'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady

here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I

took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was thin,

poorly dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for

three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the

enchiladas I made for you last night - the ones you wouldn't eat

because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in

moments.Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and

while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes,

so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the

designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use

because you say they are too tight.I also gave her the underwear that was your

anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good

taste. I went and found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for

Christmas, the one that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated

those boots you bought at that expensive shoe boutique and don't use

because someone at work has a pair the same.'The husband took a quick

breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and

help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in

her eyes and said,

'Please, do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use' ?

[AoWW]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man thinks this is terrible because they emphasized his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he received another parcel.

Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is furious now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a rude letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with an accompanying letter:

Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your a"%* and go as a toffee apple.

[samingram_uk]

Bob is walking home when he sees a tramp begging for change. Feeling a bit sorry for the man, he gives him some change and begins to walk off.

"Thank you," says the homeless man. "It used to be so good for me but look at me now."

"What do you mean?" asked Bob.

The tramp replied, "I was a multi-millionaire, "I had bank accounts all across the world with millions in. I had investments, bonds, stocks, shares and all sorts."

"What happened, where did it go wrong?"

The tramp replied, "forgot my fookin mother's maiden name."