The joke thread

[Izzy]

48 minutes ago, Parafox said:

I've just finished 7 marathons in 7 days.

 

Or Snickers, as they're called now.

I entered a marathon last month.

 

I'm still picking the peanuts out of my foreskin.

[FoxesDeb]

10 minutes ago, Izzy said:

I entered a marathon last month.

 

I'm still picking the peanuts out of my foreskin.

I thought we'd already seen how low you could go, and then you surprise us with this 

[Aus Fox]

On 22/06/2024 at 04:05, Parafox said:

I ordered a "California Dreaming" salad today.

 

I sent it back.

 

All the leaves were brown.

And the Rye is gray…

[Izzy]

An American bloke goes on a golfing trip to Ireland on his own. He arrives at Dublin airport, heads straight for Killarney and goes into a local pub.

 

He says to the barman "I'm here on a golfing trip on my own and fancy a game tomorrow. Do you know of anyone local I could partner up with who's a decent player?"

 

"You need to speak with Paddy, says the barman. Here's his number, give him a call"

 

The American rings Paddy and they arrange a game the following morning. Paddy says "I'll see you there at 9am but I might be half an hour late"

 

Paddy duly arrives at 9am and meets the American. Paddy pulls out a set of left handed clubs and beats the American convincingly. "I want a rematch" says the Yank. "Same time, same place tomorrow" 

 

"O.K. says Paddy. But I might be half an hour late"

 

They meet at 9am again the next morning but this time Paddy is using a set of right handed clubs. Once again, he beats the American easily.

 

"I want one last game with you tomorrow says the American. But tell me, yesterday you used left handed clubs and today you used right handed clubs. How do you decide which way you're going to play?"

 

"Well, says Paddy. When I wake up in the morning, I look at the wife. If she's lying on her left side, I bring left handed clubs, and if she's lying on her right side then I bring right handed clubs"

 

"But what if she's lying on her back?" says the Yank.

 

"I'll be half an hour late" 

[fazzyfox]

At tomorrow nights game:-

 

England fan - “Come on England, let’s try and string a few passes together and start to look like some sort of team, let’s have a little bit of sustained possession in their half.”

Slovenia fan “Hey Slovenia, let’s beat these 5-0, go on and win the Euro’s, then the World Cup and be recognised as the greatest side of all time”

England fan - “Mate, reign it in, never gonna happen, your expectations are ridiculously unrealistic”

Slovenia fan - “Well you started it !”

[DerbyshireFox]

My girlfriend invited me to her house where I found her sister alone. So I sat there waiting for my girlfriend while her unbelievable sexy sister was sitting next to me.
 

A few moments later she whispered to me 'we should have sex while my sister isn't home. I immediately got up and turned around to head back to my car. I found my girlfriend standing by the door, she hugged me and said 'you've won my trust'.Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in your car 

[Izzy]

A man walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.

 

The bartender says "Sure, just get in line"

 

The man looks around and gets confused because there's no punchline.

[Parafox]

I've just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

 

I'll let you know.

[Parafox]

Englebert Humperdinck got arrested by mistake.

 

In a statement outside the police station he said: "police released me, let me go".

Edited 4 July by Parafox

[NAKC20]

8 minutes ago, Parafox said:

I've just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

 

I'll let you know.

 

1 minute ago, Parafox said:

Tom Jones got arrested by mistake.

 

In a statement outside the police station he said: "police released me, let me go".

You bored by any chance?

[Libertine]

8 minutes ago, Parafox said:

I've just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

 

I'll let you know.

I hope you chose the responsible eco-friendly Prime Day delivery option so all items are delivered together. 

[Parafox]

2 minutes ago, NAKC20 said:

 

You bored by any chance?

 

It's Wimbledon innit.

 

One TV with catch up or Netflix and it's exclusive to Mrs P.

Edited 3 July by Parafox

[Parafox]

4 minutes ago, Libertine said:

I hope you chose the responsible eco-friendly Prime Day delivery option so all items are delivered together. 

 

Well, I'll just have to see which package I open first. The smallest item will be in the biggest box.

[davieG]

11 minutes ago, Parafox said:

Tom Jones got arrested by mistake.

 

In a statement outside the police station he said: "police released me, let me go".

Mistaken identity they where looking for Englebert Humperdinck 

[NAKC20]

25 minutes ago, davieG said:

Mistaken identity they where looking for Englebert Humperdinck 

Thats not unusual

[Trav Le Bleu]

The Swiss must be so disappointed about being out of the Euros, but they still have their national flag, and that's a big plus.

[Trav Le Bleu]

If you're ever being chased by a pack of taxidermists, whatever you do, don't play dead.

[Alf Bentley]

On 21/06/2024 at 20:03, FoxesDeb said:

I thought we'd already seen how low you could go, and then you surprise us with this 

 

Be fair, Deb. It is the joke thread and he was just trying to arouse a few snickers.

[Parafox]

I went to the pub last night for quick beer. 

Everyone in there was covered in a painful rash.

 

 

 

Turns out it was shingles night.

[FoxesDeb]

2 hours ago, Parafox said:

I went to the pub last night for quick beer. 

Everyone in there was covered in a painful rash.

 

 

 

Turns out it was shingles night.

Was @StanSPthere?

[StanSP]

7 minutes ago, FoxesDeb said:

Was @StanSPthere?

Oh Deb that cuts deep

 

[Super_horns]

Poor Liz..

Having trouble with lettuces.

https://news.sky.com/story/liz-truss-storms-off-stage-after-lettuce-banner-prank-13196803

[Trav Le Bleu]

I've just got a new job as the head of Old Macdonald's Farm.

 

I'm the C-I-E-I-O.

[HighPeakFox]

2 hours ago, Trav Le Bleu said:

I've just got a new job as the head of Old Macdonald's Farm.

 

I'm the C-I-E-I-O.

I have reported this post.

[Izzy]

2 hours ago, Trav Le Bleu said:

I've just got a new job as the head of Old Macdonald's Farm.

 

I'm the C-I-E-I-O.

 

On 27/06/2018 at 19:28, Tielemans63 said:

Just been promoted to Senior Director on Old MacDonald's farm.

 

I'm the new CIEIO.

Sorry Trav, you can't have two CIEIO's of the same farm