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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Nod.E

Nod.E

Posted
Posted

What's the similarity between a walrus and tupperware?

They both like a tight seal.

__________________________________________________

How do you stop a woman smoking?

Slow down and possibly use lubrication.

__________________________________________________

What's blue tack?

Smurf shit.

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What do you call a prostitute with a hand down her knickers?

Self-Employed.

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What's the difference between E.T and an illegal immigrant?

E.T went home.

__________________________________________________

Two irish pals met up in a pub. One says "Hello there, I hear ye going out with Maureen Evans?" "Aye, that's right Patrick, lovely girl she is, too!" "Oh yes, she is that, Glynn; but did you know she has acute angina?" "Not 'alf! She's got a lovely pair of tits, as well!"

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Ashley

Ashley

Posted
Posted

Gas man knocks on a house door. Little boy answers wearing lipstick, knee high boots, stockings, suspenders and smoking a joint. Gas man says " is your Mum in son? " little boy replies " Does it fu*king look like it?! "

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dhermon

dhermon

Posted
Posted

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his Priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.

For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying,

'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied,

'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

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The People's Hero

The People's Hero

Posted
Posted
"Doctor, would you please kiss me" says the patient.

"No, although you are a very beautiful woman, it's completely against my code of ethics" replies her doctor.

"Please, just one kiss", she pleads.

"Sorry", says the doctor, "but it's totally out of the question. In all honesty you shouldn't even be sucking my cock"

:o:D

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l444ry

l444ry

Posted
Posted

Heaven

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played Sunday football together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him,"

"Mike--Mike." "Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Mike--it's me, Joe." "You're not Joe. Joe just died." "I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice." "Joe! Where are you?" "In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news." "Tell me the good news first," says Mike. "The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?

"You're playing Tuesday."

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l444ry

l444ry

Posted
Posted

Last year, my aged Great Aunt, who is more than a bit senile, gave me a Sheepshaggers season ticket for Christmas. Not wanting it, I took it down to Pride Park, and nailed it to the gates. A couple of weeks later, I had a change of heart, and decided that it was stupid to give something as valuable as that to any old stranger, so I went to retrieve the prized item. When I returned, however, it was too late.

Someone had nicked the nail.

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Nod.E

Nod.E

Posted
Posted (edited)

Just made one up.

Never made one up before.

May be awful.

Here goes.

A young baby of only a year old began his speech at a very young age.

However as he was young he wasn't quite word perfect.

"I bad my brother." Said the infant. "Do you mean you don't like your brother, son? That's not good - He's alright really, you know!" Replied his Dad.

"I fart mum." The child remarked. "Do you mean your mother smells, son? That's not good - She's not smelly really, she just had too many beans yesterday." Replied his father.

The child thought about it this time really hard, and was determined not to make a mistake. After minutes of deep thought the baby came out with; "I hurt gays." Said the child. "You hate gays?" replied the shoocked father... "No, they're just a pain in the fkcking arse." Said the rather amused child.

Meh?

Edited by Ian Gonnoway
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Uncle Albert

Uncle Albert

Posted
Posted

A bloke comes home from work to see his girlfriend at the bottom of the stairs with her bags packed.

The bloke asks his girlfriend where she is going and she says 'I'm leaving you for good', so the man says 'Why?'

The woman says 'I have heard that you are a peadophile'.

The man says 'Thats a big word for a 10 year old.'

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Alexikokopops

Alexikokopops

Posted
Posted
A bloke comes home from work to see his girlfriend at the bottom of the stairs with her bags packed.

The bloke asks his girlfriend where she is going and she says 'I'm leaving you for good', so the man says 'Why?'

The woman says 'I have heard that you are a peadophile'.

The man says 'Thats a big word for a 10 year old.'

Paedophiles, fooking immature arseholes aren't they?

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General Smuts

General Smuts

Posted
Posted

Shhhhhh!!.......

Don't tell anyone...... I'm gonna go down on you....

...And you're gonna love it...........

........But it's only going to be long enough to let you start enjoying it........

....Then I'm gonna come back up again and fook you big time.....

Lots of love,

Petrol prices xx

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Zingari

Zingari

Posted
Posted

DILEMMA

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

THE SITUATION:

You are in England , York to be specific.

There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.

This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.

You're trying to shoot career-making photos.

There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water.

Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

THE TEST:

Suddenly, you see a man in the water.

He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar...

You suddenly realize who it is... It's Gordon Brown! You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever. You have two options:

You can save the life of Gordon Brown or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's most powerful men!

THE QUESTION:

Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...

Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

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MPH

MPH

Posted
Posted

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a Gorgeous blonde sitting at the next table. He has Been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the Nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying Out of its socket toward the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, And hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops Her eye back in place.

'I'm sure that must have embarrassed you so let me Pay for your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and Afterwards they go to the Theatre followed by drinks.

They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams And he listens, he shares his and she listens.

The guy is amazed and totally Impressed. Everything had been SO incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are You this nice to every guy you meet? '

'No,' she replies. . . . . 'You just happened to catch my eye.'

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Jack

Jack

Posted
Posted
A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky."

The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.

"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch."

Like that.

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