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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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DB11

DB11

Posted
Posted

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought...Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids....They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday! " It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!" We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.

She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?" I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner." After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, " Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake . Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there... On the couch... Naked.

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potter3

potter3

Posted
Posted
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought...Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids....They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday! " It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!" We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.

She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?" I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner." After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, " Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake . Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there... On the couch... Naked.

Yes we all know how much success you had with that joke last time :whistle:

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dhermon

dhermon

Posted
Posted

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'

The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'

She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'

:giggle:

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the_bowman

the_bowman

Posted
Posted

It has been reported that, within just a hundred years, there will be no more ginger people left on Earth.

This has nothing to do with flawed or recessive genes, just that none of them can get a shag.

P.S. Uncie Alberti - my na's changed back to the way it was :D

P.P.S. My 1,000th post! It's only taken me about 2 and a half years!

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Thracian

Thracian

Posted
Posted

40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.

St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. 'I've got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?'

God says 'We are over quota on Pikeys . Go out and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen in.'

Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again. 'They've gone', he tells God.

'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'

'No, the gates'.

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Nugent

Nugent

Posted
Posted

There's a plane full of Cub scouts heading to America for a camping trip. On the plane there's the pack leader, Ozzy Osbourne and Gary Glitter.

As the plane flies over the sea it suffers some technical problems. The plane rockets down towards the ocean and the pack leader says,

''We need to save the children!''

Ozzy says ,

''Argggh screw them!''

And Gary Glitter goes, ''Have we got time?''

:whistle:

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LoughboroughFox

LoughboroughFox

Posted
Posted

Two Aussie girls walk up to the perfume counter in a superstore and pick up a sample bottle.

Shazza sprays it on her wrist and smells it: "That`s quite nice, don`t you think Cheryl?"

"yeah, what`s it called?" says Cheryl to the assistant.

"Viens a moi," comes the reply.

"Viens a moi, what does that mean?" quips Shazza.

"Veins a moi, ladies, is French for `come to me`" says the assistant haughtily.

Shazza takes another sniff and offers her arm to Cheryl saying, "that doesn`t smell like come to me, does that smell like come to you, Cheryl?"

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JakeShingler

JakeShingler

Posted
Posted
police have today arrested garry glitter after an annonomous tip-off,

inspecter ted guthrie commented,

we entered the premises at 6am,

we found a large amount of class a in the front room,

we found a large amount of class b in the back room,

and upstairs we found all of class 5 c.

Was this not a Micheal Jackson joke? :dunno:

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