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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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LoughboroughFox

LoughboroughFox

Posted
Posted

Tesco have installed a mediacl machine that for £5 and a urine sample, would diagnose any health condition.

When Jim went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "you have tennis elbow, soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks".

Impressed, Jim wondered if the machine was fool proof.

He mixed tap water with dog poo, urine samples from his wife and his daughter and then pleasured himself into the mixture.

When he tipped it into the machine the next day, the print out read:

1 Your tap water is to hard, use a softener.

2 Your dog has ringworm, give it antibiotics.

3 Your daughter is on cocaine, get her to rehab.

4 Your wife is expecting twins, not yours, get a lawyer.

5 If you keep playing with yourself, your elbow wont get any better!

Thankyou for shopping at Tesco`s

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DB11

DB11

Posted
Posted
The fattest fans in the world.

A season ticket waiting list of 300 million plus

not Kevin Keegan

£250 Million worth of debt

Everyone's favourite career criminal - Joey Barton

The world famous 725,000 seater stadium that is St James' Park.

A git big hilarious 'Sports Direct' sign slapped on the top of one of the stands

Delusions

Dennis Wise.

Any potential bidders need to be aware that should things start to go wrong, expect to be pelted with greggs pasties and brown ale bottles. Also, try not to laugh when those crazy geordies are insulting you with misspelled banners.

:laugh:

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dhermon

dhermon

Posted
Posted

The Energizer Bunny, known best for "going and going and going..." passed away last evening. Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was

Caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation.

Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming...

WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND: Definitely not!

WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND: Of course I do.

WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).

WIFE: Would you live in our house?

HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?

WIFE: Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new

WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.

WIFE: - - silence - -

HUSBAND: F**k

A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The copper said, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Beer and women!"

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