Our system detected that your browser is blocking advertisements on our site. Please help support FoxesTalk by disabling any kind of ad blocker while browsing this site. Thank you.
Jump to content
 Share
Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

Recommended Posts

Thracian

Thracian

Posted
Posted

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help.

First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

Link to comment
Share on other sites
NewquayFox

NewquayFox

Posted
Posted

Old boy in the Doctors and the Doc says " your managing to go to the toilet ok? Old boy says " yes,when i go in the loo God switches the light on an when i have finished God switches the light off" Doctor humms and calls the Old boys wife later for an explanation,he tells her about God switching the lights on and off and she says " oh no ! the old bugger is pissing in the fridge again" ;0) >_<

Link to comment
Share on other sites
NewquayFox

NewquayFox

Posted
Posted (edited)

Bloke wakes up in the morning with an almighty hangover,smells something burning,he runs downstairs to find his socks under the grill, his missus says "when you came home pissed last night you told me to `cook your sock` ;0) :rolleyes:

Edited by NewquayFox
Link to comment
Share on other sites
hairy

hairy

Posted
Posted

"Credit Crunch" interesting facts

If you had purchased £1000 of Northern Rock shares one year ago it would now be worth £4.95, with HBOS, earlier this week your £1000 would have been worth £16.50

£1000 invested in XL Leisure would now be worth less than £5, but if you bought £1000 worth of Tenants Lager one year ago, drank it all, then took the empty cans to an aluminium re-cycling plant, you would get £214.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
hairy

hairy

Posted
Posted

And thats how the fight started

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.....so,

I took her to a petrol station.....

and that's how the

fight started....

************************************************** *******

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Stella Artois for £14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of beauty cream for £7.95. I told her the beer

would make her look better at night than the beauty cream. And that's how

the fight started.

************************************************** **********************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social

Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license

to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my

wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have

to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That

silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my

Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the

Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten

disability, too'

And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************** *********************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I

kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a

nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to

drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she

hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on

celebrating that long?'

And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************** *****************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road

and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things

just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT

HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************** **********************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my

order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's how the fight started.....

Link to comment
Share on other sites
DB11

DB11

Posted
Posted

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

Link to comment
Share on other sites
DB11

DB11

Posted
Posted

A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"

The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000."

The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?" The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!"

The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000."

The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?" The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!"

He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores."

Link to comment
Share on other sites
The People's Hero

The People's Hero

Posted
Posted
I sympathise with everyone who lost money in Iceland.

I dropped a two pound coin between two freezers and never got it back.

£2??

That would have bought you a trolley load in there.

Ever since Kerry Katona did their advertising, I had zero confidence in their various financial institutions.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
×
 Share
Go to topic listing

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
×
×
  • Create New...