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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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NewquayFox

NewquayFox

Posted
Posted

Sometimes when you cry no one sees your tears.

When you`re worried no one sees your pain.

When you`re happy no one sees your smile.

But just try getting your todger out on a bus and see how much feckin attention you get.

PS.Can you pick me up from the Police station in about an hour ? ;0)

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potter3

potter3

Posted
Posted

From bash.org

Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book

Let's see the results...

"Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.

"Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything

A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.

"Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."

"Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. "

Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls

"Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"

The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.

He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.

He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.

Ok

I have found, definitive proof

that J.K Rowling is a dirty DIRTY woman, making a fool of us all

"Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?

O_______O

Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang

Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.

'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.

The last one especially :giggle:

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fox123

fox123

Posted
Posted

Only unvail the spoiler if you don't mind a sick joke - You were warned

Dear Jonathan Ross,

I've shagged your daughter, Who's laughing now?

Love Gary Glitter x

and

Just painted my wellies silver and put them outside for the night. The little ****ers wont come knocking if they think Gary Glitter lives here

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DB11

DB11

Posted
Posted
Only unvail the spoiler if you don't mind a sick joke - You were warned

Dear Jonathan Ross,

I've shagged your daughter, Who's laughing now?

Love Gary Glitter x

and

Just painted my wellies silver and put them outside for the night. The little ****ers wont come knocking if they think Gary Glitter lives here

That's not sick :unsure:

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davieG

davieG

Posted
Posted

Sick Joke Warning

Two tramps walking along the country road having not eaten anything for days come across a dead squashed rabbit.

On seeing it one of the tramps grabs hold of it and starts eating it. After a while he sees the other tramp watching him and asks him if he would like some. The other tramp says no way how could you eat that?

After a while with the first tramp having eaten all of the rabbit they continue on their trek down the country road.

Suddenly the first tramp lets out a yell of pain and starts to sick up all of the rabbit into the road, in a flash the second tramp dives on it and starts to eat it as fast as it's puked up.

The first tramp looks at him in disbelief - I thought you didn't like rabbit he exclaims!

The second tramp in between mouthfuls of the puked up rabbit replies.

I love rabbit but not cold!

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Nugent

Nugent

Posted
Posted
Sick Joke Warning

Two tramps walking along the country road having not eaten anything for days come across a dead squashed rabbit.

On seeing it one of the tramps grabs hold of it and starts eating it. After a while he sees the other tramp watching him and asks him if he would like some. The other tramp says no way how could you eat that?

After a while with the first tramp having eaten all of the rabbit they continue on their trek down the country road.

Suddenly the first tramp lets out a yell of pain and starts to sick up all of the rabbit into the road, in a flash the second tramp dives on it and starts to eat it as fast as it's puked up.

The first tramp looks at him in disbelief - I thought you didn't like rabbit he exclaims!

The second tramp in between mouthfuls of the puked up rabbit replies.

I love rabbit but not cold!

:giggle:

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DB11

DB11

Posted
Posted
Sick Joke Warning

Two tramps walking along the country road having not eaten anything for days come across a dead squashed rabbit.

On seeing it one of the tramps grabs hold of it and starts eating it. After a while he sees the other tramp watching him and asks him if he would like some. The other tramp says no way how could you eat that?

After a while with the first tramp having eaten all of the rabbit they continue on their trek down the country road.

Suddenly the first tramp lets out a yell of pain and starts to sick up all of the rabbit into the road, in a flash the second tramp dives on it and starts to eat it as fast as it's puked up.

The first tramp looks at him in disbelief - I thought you didn't like rabbit he exclaims!

The second tramp in between mouthfuls of the puked up rabbit replies.

I love rabbit but not cold!

THAT's sick :sick:

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NewquayFox

NewquayFox

Posted
Posted

Doris gets a call from the Doctors Surgery at 8.25 in the morning to say there has been a cancellation and can she come in at 9.15 for her smear test?

Doris says ok but usually has a soak in the bath before such a harrowing experience to be nice and clean and rushes upstairs whips her pyjamas of and washes her private areas with a flannel thats by the sink,in the Surgery with her legs up in the air and the Doctor having a good mooch round he says "my Doris we have made an effort today! Just wanting to get dressed and out of there Doris takes no notice and quickly dresses and rushes home.

Later on her young Daughter comes home from School and asks her Mum where her flannel is, Doris says "Its in the wash, why ? Daughter says "Cos its got all my Glitter in it !!!!! ;0) :giggle:

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Wycombe Fox

Wycombe Fox

Posted
Posted

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the

Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,

Crock O. Schitt

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hairy

hairy

Posted
Posted

Best Come Back Line Ever

This was in the Washington Post... the title of the article was

'Best Come Back Line Ever.'

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old

white male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday night.

On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was

charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and

public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on

his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You

know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one

around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around'

he stated in a telephone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the

road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose,

cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged 'need.'

'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident

embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an

approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until

officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said officer

Taylor.

'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this

pumpkin.'

Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she

approached Lawrence.

'I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having

sex with a pumpkin?'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and

then he looked me straight in the face and said...

'A pumpkin? Shit...is it midnight already?'

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Fosse Boy

Fosse Boy

Posted
Posted
Best Come Back Line Ever

This was in the Washington Post... the title of the article was

'Best Come Back Line Ever.'

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old

white male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday night.

On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was

charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and

public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on

his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You

know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one

around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around'

he stated in a telephone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the

road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose,

cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged 'need.'

'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident

embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an

approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until

officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said officer

Taylor.

'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this

pumpkin.'

Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she

approached Lawrence.

'I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having

sex with a pumpkin?'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and

then he looked me straight in the face and said...

'A pumpkin? Shit...is it midnight already?'

:crylaugh:

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