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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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DB11

DB11

Posted
Posted

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months enough gas would be produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out of the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without it's head before it starves to death.

(Creepy.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Don't try this at home - maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while it's head is attached to it's body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

(Honey, I'm home. What the.....?!)

The flea can jump 350 times it's body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(As you do)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig.....quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I've always wanted to know.)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.

(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that too.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)

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lildave3

lildave3

Posted
Posted

Probably been posted...

If Tommy Cooper Was Alive Today........it was the way he told 'em.........

Ø I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen

on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'

Ø Told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said

'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'

Ø I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy

said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it

is.'

Ø I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet.

'Best Before End'

Ø I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I

said 'No, just a watch.

Ø I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The

bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'

Ø My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.

Ø I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He

said, 'You've got cholera.'

Ø I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his

name, it's P something T something R.

Ø I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put

it down.

Ø I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered

just went on and on.

Ø The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary

work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'

Ø This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin

paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'

Ø I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having

me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you

anything.

Ø I phoned the local builders today; I said to them 'Can I have a

skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'

Ø This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'

Ø I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull

goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'

Ø I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me

I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again

to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me

managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and

asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'

Ø I visited the offices of the RSPCA today, it's tiny: you couldn't

swing a cat in there.

Ø I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said

'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

Ø A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man

replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?'

'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to

die.

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Bert

Bert

Posted
Posted

Two old boys sat in a retirement home.

The Older one says "I feel like a baby again" His mate replies, "You're Ninety, how can you feel like a baby again?"

"Well" says the Older man, "I've got no hair, No teeth and I've just shit myself"

:unsure:

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Libertine

Libertine

Posted
Posted
Probably been posted...

If Tommy Cooper Was Alive Today........it was the way he told 'em.........

Ø I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen

on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'

Ø Told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said

'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'

Ø I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy

said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it

is.'

Ø I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet.

'Best Before End'

Ø I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I

said 'No, just a watch.

Ø I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The

bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'

Ø My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.

Ø I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He

said, 'You've got cholera.'

Ø I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his

name, it's P something T something R.

Ø I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put

it down.

Ø I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered

just went on and on.

Ø The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary

work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'

Ø This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin

paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'

Ø I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having

me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you

anything.

Ø I phoned the local builders today; I said to them 'Can I have a

skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'

Ø This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'

Ø I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull

goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'

Ø I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me

I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again

to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me

managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and

asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'

Ø I visited the offices of the RSPCA today, it's tiny: you couldn't

swing a cat in there.

Ø I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said

'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

Ø A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man

replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?'

'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to

die.

Most of them are Tim Vine.

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JakeShingler

JakeShingler

Posted
Posted (edited)
I don't understand?

Its sh*t.

The poster who got banned say if i mention cookies please ban me(it say it in big red writing under his avater)

And he said cookies so they banned him.

The Poster tha got banned said "Have you tryed deleting your cookies".

Edited by JakeShingler
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Unabomber

Unabomber

Posted
Posted
Its sh*t.

The poster who got banned say if i mention cookies please ban me(it say it in big red writing under his avater)

And he said cookies so they banned him.

The Poster tha got banned said "Have you tryed deleting your cookies".

Well I thought it was bloody hillarious.

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Jimmy

Jimmy

Posted
Posted

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and

says, "I hate to ruin your day, son, but I have to tell you that your

mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says.

'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call

your sister in Leeds and tell her.'

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like hell

they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.'

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT

getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling

my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a

thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says,

'they're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'

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NewquayFox

NewquayFox

Posted
Posted

3 blokes die on Christmas day and all go to Heaven, St Peter says to them "if you have anything festive on you as its Christmas you can enter through the Pearly gates"

1st bloke jangles his bunch of keys and says "Festive bells" 2nd bloke flicks hs lighter on and says "its a candle" 3rd bloke takes a pair of ladies pants from his pocket and says "their Carols" ;0) >_<

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