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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Fox You Forest

Fox You Forest

Posted
Posted

A woman walks into a petshop.

She says - I'm looking for a parrot

The shop assistant says - We have one at £100 one at £200 and one at £15

The woman asks - Why is that parrot only £15

Shop assistant replies - It used to live in a brothel and can't stop talking about it.

Oh right the woman says i'll take it, Can't grumble at £15.

After the 30 minute walk home the woman opens the front door and walks in the parrot says "great a new brothel"

The woman ignores it thinking he'll forget the brothel in time.

About an hour later the daughters of the woman walk in and the parrot says "great two new prostitutes"

The woman once again ignores it.

Later on that evening her husband arrives home from work and the parrot says "alright Dave i haven't seen you for weeks"

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lildave3

lildave3

Posted
Posted
A woman walks into a petshop.

She says - I'm looking for a parrot

The shop assistant says - We have one at £100 one at £200 and one at £15

The woman asks - Why is that parrot only £15

Shop assistant replies - It used to live in a brothel and can't stop talking about it.

Oh right the woman says i'll take it, Can't grumble at £15.

After the 30 minute walk home the woman opens the front door and walks in the parrot says "great a new brothel"

The woman ignores it thinking he'll forget the brothel in time.

About an hour later the daughters of the woman walk in and the parrot says "great two new prostitutes"

The woman once again ignores it.

Later on that evening her husband arrives home from work and the parrot says "alright Dave i haven't seen you for weeks"

:giggle: Like that.

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DB11

DB11

Posted
Posted

things we only say at christmas ...

1. I prefer breasts to legs

2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!

4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!

5. I've never seen a better spread!

6. I fancy a little dark meat.

7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10. Don't play with your meat.

11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

15. How long will it take after you put it in?

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.

18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!

19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning

20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!

and finally-

21. I do like a good stuffing.....

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DJ Barry Hammond

DJ Barry Hammond

Posted
Posted

There's an Englishman, Welshman and Pakistani who have all rushed to the hospital after there respective partners had all given birth.

When they get to the baby unit, the three are met by the cheif midwife who explains that there's been a mix-up with the baby's and they're not completely sure which one belongs to who. She asks if the guys would take a look at the babies, and see if they can recognise any type of reslemblence.

With that the Englishman run's in and grab's a baby that's - well lets say is clearly not his due to the darker skin tone.

The Pakistani, who can clearly see the Englishman's error stride's up to the Englishman and asks 'What do you think you're doing, that's clearly my baby' to which the Englishman responds...

'Well one of the other two is Welsh and I'm not taking any chances!'

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Jimmy

Jimmy

Posted
Posted
There's an Englishman, Welshman and Pakistani who have all rushed to the hospital after there respective partners had all given birth.

When they get to the baby unit, the three are met by the cheif midwife who explains that there's been a mix-up with the baby's and they're not completely sure which one belongs to who. She asks if the guys would take a look at the babies, and see if they can recognise any type of reslemblence.

With that the Englishman run's in and grab's a baby that's - well lets say is clearly not his due to the darker skin tone.

The Pakistani, who can clearly see the Englishman's error stride's up to the Englishman and asks 'What do you think you're doing, that's clearly my baby' to which the Englishman responds...

'Well one of the other two is Welsh and I'm not taking any chances!'

:giggle:

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Head Honcho

Head Honcho

Posted
Posted

Credit crunch... The married version

A husband and wife shopping in the supermarket, when man picks up a crate of stella and sticks it in the trolley.. "what do you think you are doing ?" says the wife "they are on offer says the man £10 for 24 cans" "put them back she says we cant afford them" and they carry on shopping. A few aisles later the wife picks up a £20 pot of face cream and puts it in the trolley. "what do you think you are doing" says the husband "its my face cream it makes me look beautiful" says the wife. Husband replies "So does 24 cans of stella and its half the ****ing price "

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LoughboroughFox

LoughboroughFox

Posted
Posted

Army captain is assigned 2 a remote desert post in Iraq, During inspection he notices a camel tied up outside the barracks.

He asks a private why the camel was there? The private replies "well sir there are 500 men here and no women, sometimes the men get urges"

A month later the captain has urges of his own, so he put a ladder behind the camel climbs it drops his pants and has s*x with the camel!

He asks the private is that how you do it? "No sir he replies" they usually ride the camel to the brothel!

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LoughboroughFox

LoughboroughFox

Posted
Posted

A disabled man with no arms or legs enters the para olympics in the swimming sprint, the gun fires he falls to the bottom.

A man with 1 leg won the race he looks round and sees a stream of bubbles, dives to the bottom and rescues the man.

"what happened?" he asks, spluttering out water he replies "i`ve spent 5 fooking years learning to swim with my ears and some twat put a cap on me!!!!

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Sparky

Sparky

Posted
Posted
Was at the cemetery yesterday and I saw some grave diggers walking around the graveyard with a coffin.A few hours later, they were still walking around with the coffin.

I thought to myself...these guys have lost the plot.

haha :appl:

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Thracian

Thracian

Posted
Posted

A young man named John received a parrot as an early Christmas gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, after months, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and shoved him in the fridge.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the fridge. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said,

'I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour.'

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued....

'May I enquire as to what the turkey did wrong?'

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Santa_Claus

Santa_Claus

Posted
Posted

Why does Santa always go down the chimney?

Because it soots him!

(that's one of Santa's favourite jokes! *HO! Ho! ho!*)

Where does Santa stay when he's on holidays?

At a Ho-ho-tel!

What does Mrs. Claus sing to Santy on his birthday?

"Freeze a jolly good fellow!"

What does Santa put on his toast?

"Jingle Jam"

What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a duck?

A Christmas Quacker!

An honest politician, a kind lawyer and Santa Claus were walking down the street and saw a $20 bill. Which one picked it up??

Santa! The other two don't exist!

What do you do if Santa Claus gets stuck in your chimney?

Pour Santa flush on him!

What does Santa say to the toys on Christmas Eve?

Okay everyone, sack time!

What do the elves call it when Père Noël claps his hands at the end of a play?

Santapplause!

Why does Santa like to work in his garden?

Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe!

What do you call a kitty on the beach on Christmas morning?

Sandy Claws!

Who delivers presents to dentist offices?

Santa Jaws!

Who delivers Christmas presents to elephants?

Elephanta Claus!

What do you get if Santa comes down the chimney while the fire is still burning?

Crisp Kringle!

Why does St. Nicholas have a white beard?

So he can hide at the North Pole!

What do you call Santa when he has no money?

Saint "Nickel"-less!

What smells most in a chimney?

Santa's nose!

What does Kris Kringle like to get when he goes to the donut shop?

A jolly roll!

What do you call someone who doesn't believe in Father Christmas?

A rebel without a Claus!

What is invisible but smells like milk and cookies?

Kris Kringle burps!

What did Santa get when he crossed a woodpecker with kleenex?

Rapping paper!

What does Santa like to have for breakfast?

Mistle-"toast"!

Why does Santa take presents to children around the world?

Because the presents won't take themselves!

What does Santa use when he goes fishing?

His north pole!

How do we know Santa is such a good race car driver?

Because he's always in the pole position!

What is twenty feet tall, has sharp teeth and goes Ho Ho Ho?

Tyranno-santa Rex!

What's red & white and red & white and red & white?

Santa rolling down a hill!

What did Santa say to Mrs. Claus when he looked out the window?

Looks like "rain", "Dear"!

What's red and green and flies?

An airsick Santa Claus!

How does Père Noël take pictures?

With his North "Pole"-aroid!

Why does Santa's sleigh get such good mileage?

Because it has long-distance runners on each side!

What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh! Ho, Ho, Swoosh?

Santa caught in a revolving door!

What kind of motorcycle does Santy ride?

A "Holly" Davidson!

Where does Father Christmas go to vote?

The North Poll!

What's red and white and falls down the chimney?

Santa Klutz!

What do you call Saint Nick after he has come down the chimney?

Cinder Claus!

What nationality is Santa Claus?

North Polish!

Why does Santa owe everything to the elves?

Because he is an elf-made man!

What goes oh, oh, oh?

Santa Claus walking backwards!

How many chimneys does Saint Nick go down?

Stacks!

What does Santa get if he gets stuck in a chimney?

Claustrophobic!

What would you call Father Christmas if he became a detective?

Santa Clues!

Who delivers Christmas presents to pets?

Why, Santa Paws of course!

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Santa_Claus

Santa_Claus

Posted
Posted

He laid her on the table.

So white clean and bare.

His forehead wet with beads of sweat.

He rubbed her here and there.

He touched her neck and then her breast.

And then drooling felt her thigh.

The slit was wet and all was set,

He gave a joyous cry.

The hole was wide...he looked inside.

All was dark and murky.

He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms...

And then he stuffed the turkey.

Twas the night before Christmas,

When all through the house,

Everybody felt shitty even the mouse.

With Mom at the whore house,

And dad smoking grass,

I'd just settled down for a nice piece of ass!

When out on the lawn I hear such a clatter,

I sprung from my piece to see what was the matter!

When out on the lawn I saw a big dick,

I knew in a moment it must be Saint Nick.

He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell,

I knew in a moment the ****er had fell!

He filled all our stockings with pretzels and beer,

And a big rubber dick for my brother, the queer.

He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart,

The son of a bitch blew the chimney apart!

He swore and he cursed as he rode out of sight,

Piss on you all and have a Hell of a night!

santapoo.jpg

Oh Shit!

Ho Ho Ho!

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