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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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dhermon

dhermon

Posted
Posted

Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life , she asked him how he had sex ?

"Tarzan not know sex" he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said "Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified Jane said, " Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch !

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed

" What did you do that for !?!"

Tarzan replied, " Just checking for squirrel..."

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DB11

DB11

Posted
Posted

I had amnesia once - or twice.

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible .. and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows

up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a motorway.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

A flashlight is a carrying case for dead batteries.

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a

man who can't get his pants off.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

Why is there only one Monopolies Commission?

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Fosse Boy

Fosse Boy

Posted
Posted
I had amnesia once - or twice.

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible .. and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows

up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a motorway.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

A flashlight is a carrying case for dead batteries.

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a

man who can't get his pants off.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

Why is there only one Monopolies Commission?

And how many of those do you understand personally? :D

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NewquayFox

NewquayFox

Posted
Posted

Dear Diedre, I have never written to you before but i really need your advice, I have suspected for sometime that my Wife has been cheating. The usual signs are, the phone rings and if i answer the caller hangs up, going out with the Girls a lot, and when i ask their names its " oh you dont know them" I try to stay awake to look out for her but always fall asleep.

Anyway last night i finally decided to check on her, around midnight i hid in the garage behind my golf clubs to get a good view of the whole Street when she came home from her night out. When she got out of the car she was buttoning her blouse up and she took her panties out of her handbag and put them on. It was at that moment crouching behind my golf clubs that i noticed it, a hairline crack where the grip meets the shaft on my trusty 5 wood, is this something i can fix myself or should i take it to the pro-shop? :P

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NorthernFox

NorthernFox

Posted
Posted

The finest crisp writing paper with handwriting using only the best ink, lovingly folded and wrapped in an immaculate envelope.

This is no ordinary P45, this is a M&S P45!

In lieu of the crdit crisis M&S and Poundstrecher will be merging and will be now known as StretchMarks!

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NorthernFox

NorthernFox

Posted
Posted

Im going to rob a bank tomorrow. I plan on dressing up in a clowns wig and make up, and i'll be wearing a thong and nipple tassles. I'll be carrying a goat with a dildo up its arse and a tin of dulux. When im in the bank im gonna get the goat to suck me off and then i'll throw paint all over the walls whilst repeatedly shouting the words big fat pissflaps. Once I get the cash i'm going to take a shit on the floor before escaping in a van shaped like a big pink cock.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Lets see Crimewatch fooking stage a reconstruction of that! :P

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DB11

DB11

Posted
Posted

Matches shall be played over three unequal periods: two playtimes and lunchtime.

Each of these periods shall begin shortly after the ringing of a bell, and although a bell is also rung towards the end of these periods, play may continue for up to ten minutes afterwards, depending on the "bottle" of the participants.

There is a sliding scale from those who hasten to stand in line as soon as the bell rings, known as "poofs", through those who will hang on until the time they estimate it takes the teachers to down the last of their G & T's and journey from the staff room, known as "chancers", and finally to those who will hang on until a teacher actually has to physically retrieve them, known as "nutters".

It is important, in picking the sides, to achieve a fair balance of poofs, chancers and nutters in order that the scoreline achieved over a sustained period of play is not totally nullified by a five-minute post-bell onslaught of five nutters against one.

The scoreline to be carried over from the previous period of the match is in the trust of the last nutters to leave the field of play.

PARAMETERS

The object is to force the ball between two large, unkempt piles of jackets, in lieu of goalposts.

These piles may grow or shrink throughout the match, depending on the number of participants and the prevailing weather.

It is important that the sleeve of one of the jackets should jut out across the goal mouth, as it will often be claimed that the ball went "over the post" and is thus disallowed. In the absence of a crossbar, the upper limit of the target area is observed as being slightly above head height, regardless of the height of the keeper.

The width of the pitch is variable. In the absence of roads, water hazards etc, the width is determined by how far out the attacking winger has to go before the pursuing defender gives up.

At free kicks, the scale of the pitch justifies placing a wall of players eighteen inches from the ball. It is the formal response to "yards", which the kick-taker will incant meaninglessly as he places the ball.

TACTICS

Playground football tactics are best explained in terms of team formation.

Whereas senior sides tend to choose - according to circumstance – from e.g. 4-4-2, 4-3-3, 5-3-2, the playground side is usually more rigid in sticking to the all-purpose 1-1-17 formation.

STOPPAGES

Much stoppage time in the senior game is down to injured players requiring treatment on the field of play. The playground game flows more freely, with play continuing around or even on top of a participant who has fallen - or more likely been pushed - over.

Other Stoppages:

1. Ball on school roof or over school wall. The retrieval time itself is negligible in these cases. The stoppage is most prolonged by the argument to decide which player must risk life, limb or four of the belt to scale the drainpipe or negotiate the barbed wire in order to return to play. Disputes usually arise between the player who actually struck ball and any others he claims it may have struck before is appearing into forbidden territory.

2. Bigger boys steal the ball. The intruders will seldom actually steal the ball, but will improvise their own kickabout amongst themselves, occasionally inviting the younger players to attempt to tackle them.

Standing around looking bored and unimpressed usually results in a quick restart.

3. Menopausal old bag confiscates ball. More of a threat in the street or local green kickabout than within the school walls. Sad, blue-rinsed, ill-tempered, Tory-voting cat-owner transfers her anger about the array of failures that has been her life to nine-year-olds who have committed the heinous crime of letting their ball cross her privet Line of Death.

Interruption (loss of ball) is predicted to last "until you learn how to play with it properly".

CELEBRATION

Goal-scorers are entitled to a maximum run of thirty yards with their hands in the air. But making it 34-12 does not entitle the player to drop to his knees and make the sign of the cross.

A fabulous solo dismantling of the defence or 25-yard rocket (actually eight yards), but calculated as relative distance because "it's not a full-size pitch" will elicit applause and back-pats from the entire team and the more magnanimous of the opponents.

However, a tap-in in the midst of a chaotic scramble will be heralded with the epithet "****ing poacher" from the opposing defence. "****ing goal-hanger" is the preferred alternative.

Applying an unnecessary final touch when a ball is already rolling into the goal will elicit a burst nose from the original striker.

Kneeling down to head the ball over the line when defence and keeper are already beaten will elicit a thoroughly deserved kicking.

PENALTIES

At senior level, each side often has one appointed penalty-taker, who will defer to a team-mate in special circumstances, such as his requiring one more for a hat trick.

In the playground the best player usually takes the penalties but he may defer to the 'best fighter' or if the side is comfortably in front, the ball-owner may be invited to take a penalty.

Goalkeepers are often the subject of temporary substitutions at penalties.

CLOSE SEASON

This is known also as the Summer Holidays, when the players dabble briefly in other sports: tennis for a fortnight while Wimbledon is on the telly; pitch-and-putt for four days during the Open; and cricket for about an hour and a half until they reckon it really is as boring playing as it is to watch.

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Fosse Boy

Fosse Boy

Posted
Posted
Matches shall be played over three unequal periods: two playtimes and lunchtime.

Each of these periods shall begin shortly after the ringing of a bell, and although a bell is also rung towards the end of these periods, play may continue for up to ten minutes afterwards, depending on the "bottle" of the participants.

There is a sliding scale from those who hasten to stand in line as soon as the bell rings, known as "poofs", through those who will hang on until the time they estimate it takes the teachers to down the last of their G & T's and journey from the staff room, known as "chancers", and finally to those who will hang on until a teacher actually has to physically retrieve them, known as "nutters".

It is important, in picking the sides, to achieve a fair balance of poofs, chancers and nutters in order that the scoreline achieved over a sustained period of play is not totally nullified by a five-minute post-bell onslaught of five nutters against one.

The scoreline to be carried over from the previous period of the match is in the trust of the last nutters to leave the field of play.

PARAMETERS

The object is to force the ball between two large, unkempt piles of jackets, in lieu of goalposts.

These piles may grow or shrink throughout the match, depending on the number of participants and the prevailing weather.

It is important that the sleeve of one of the jackets should jut out across the goal mouth, as it will often be claimed that the ball went "over the post" and is thus disallowed. In the absence of a crossbar, the upper limit of the target area is observed as being slightly above head height, regardless of the height of the keeper.

The width of the pitch is variable. In the absence of roads, water hazards etc, the width is determined by how far out the attacking winger has to go before the pursuing defender gives up.

At free kicks, the scale of the pitch justifies placing a wall of players eighteen inches from the ball. It is the formal response to "yards", which the kick-taker will incant meaninglessly as he places the ball.

TACTICS

Playground football tactics are best explained in terms of team formation.

Whereas senior sides tend to choose - according to circumstance – from e.g. 4-4-2, 4-3-3, 5-3-2, the playground side is usually more rigid in sticking to the all-purpose 1-1-17 formation.

STOPPAGES

Much stoppage time in the senior game is down to injured players requiring treatment on the field of play. The playground game flows more freely, with play continuing around or even on top of a participant who has fallen - or more likely been pushed - over.

Other Stoppages:

1. Ball on school roof or over school wall. The retrieval time itself is negligible in these cases. The stoppage is most prolonged by the argument to decide which player must risk life, limb or four of the belt to scale the drainpipe or negotiate the barbed wire in order to return to play. Disputes usually arise between the player who actually struck ball and any others he claims it may have struck before is appearing into forbidden territory.

2. Bigger boys steal the ball. The intruders will seldom actually steal the ball, but will improvise their own kickabout amongst themselves, occasionally inviting the younger players to attempt to tackle them.

Standing around looking bored and unimpressed usually results in a quick restart.

3. Menopausal old bag confiscates ball. More of a threat in the street or local green kickabout than within the school walls. Sad, blue-rinsed, ill-tempered, Tory-voting cat-owner transfers her anger about the array of failures that has been her life to nine-year-olds who have committed the heinous crime of letting their ball cross her privet Line of Death.

Interruption (loss of ball) is predicted to last "until you learn how to play with it properly".

CELEBRATION

Goal-scorers are entitled to a maximum run of thirty yards with their hands in the air. But making it 34-12 does not entitle the player to drop to his knees and make the sign of the cross.

A fabulous solo dismantling of the defence or 25-yard rocket (actually eight yards), but calculated as relative distance because "it's not a full-size pitch" will elicit applause and back-pats from the entire team and the more magnanimous of the opponents.

However, a tap-in in the midst of a chaotic scramble will be heralded with the epithet "****ing poacher" from the opposing defence. "****ing goal-hanger" is the preferred alternative.

Applying an unnecessary final touch when a ball is already rolling into the goal will elicit a burst nose from the original striker.

Kneeling down to head the ball over the line when defence and keeper are already beaten will elicit a thoroughly deserved kicking.

PENALTIES

At senior level, each side often has one appointed penalty-taker, who will defer to a team-mate in special circumstances, such as his requiring one more for a hat trick.

In the playground the best player usually takes the penalties but he may defer to the 'best fighter' or if the side is comfortably in front, the ball-owner may be invited to take a penalty.

Goalkeepers are often the subject of temporary substitutions at penalties.

CLOSE SEASON

This is known also as the Summer Holidays, when the players dabble briefly in other sports: tennis for a fortnight while Wimbledon is on the telly; pitch-and-putt for four days during the Open; and cricket for about an hour and a half until they reckon it really is as boring playing as it is to watch.

Is that actually a joke? Just read like a vaguely humourous description of 'jumpers for goalposts' football to me? :huh:

Ronaldo was being questioned by the police as to how he managed to trash his Ferrari he complained that the wall wasn't back far enough

:giggle:

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