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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Webbo

Webbo

Posted
Posted

From Motown Fox on TB

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked,

'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.

How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered .....................................

'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming......................

...that was me.'

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StanSP

StanSP

Posted
Posted
Can you say "Whale oil beef hooked" without sounding like an Irishman swearing?

After I said that about three times, it sounds completely Irish!! Now everytime I say it, i only imagine it as irish, and not as the words Whale Oil beef Hooked!

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JoeyB

JoeyB

Posted
Posted

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!' Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!' Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. 'strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle.' Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, 'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Liverpudlian Rhapsody (to the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody)

Is this our Stevie?

Captain of LFC?

Arrested in Southport

All caught on CCTV.

Open "The Sun"

It's there on Page One, you'll see.

I'm just a Scouser

I need some help

Because I'm Huyton-born, Huyton-bred

Once a Blue, now a Red.

Whatever the truth is, it doesn't really matter to me.

[Piano: Dumm di dum dum, dumm di dum dum]

Rafa! It's Stevie here.

I've just t.w.a.t.t.e.d a DJ

And they've taken him away.

Rafa, we were four points clear

But now I fear we'll throw it all away!

Rafa! Ooooooooooh.

Didn't mean to make you sigh

If I'm not back in time to play at Preston Tinker on, tinker on, my

career is all in tatters....

[Piano: Dum di dum di dum, dum di dum di dum]

Too late! It's Walton Jail.

I don't think that I can cope

I can't bend down for the soap.

Goodbye everybody - I've got to go

Gotta leave the Kop behind and face the Bench.

Rafa! Ooooooooooo! (Anyway the s.h.i.t blows) I don't want to go to jail I

sometimes wish I'd never joined Liverpoo-ool!

[Piano, guitar and stuff]

I see a little silhouetto of Hamman

There's more dosh, there's more dosh if I sign for Man City But joining

such a s.h.i.t.e team is very very frightening to me

Calling Barry

(It's Rick Parry)

Calling Barry

(It's Rick Parry)

Calling Barry! He's Magnific-o-o-o-o

I'm just a poor boy from a Scouse family He's just a poor boy from a

Scouse family Spare him his job says Co-Coach Sammy Lee

Piano: Tinkle, tinkle tinkle

Easy come easy go! Will you let me go?

It's me, La!

No! We will not let you go! Let him go!

It's me, La!

No! We will not let you go! Let him go!

No no no no no no!

Rafa! Sammy! Rafa! Sammy! Rafa! Sammy! Get me out!

A Big House con has a shower set aside for me! For meee!

For meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

[big Guitar Riff]

So you think you can say my career's in decline!

So you think you can suggest my kids are not mine!

Oh DJ! Can't do this to me DJ!

Just gotta get out! Just gotta get right outta here!

[More guitar and then the slow bit]

My career is now in tatters

Anyone can see

Nothing really matters! Nothing really matters to me!

Anyway the s.h.i.t blows!

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Ultra

Ultra

Posted
Posted
Liverpudlian Rhapsody (to the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody)

Is this our Stevie?

Captain of LFC?

Arrested in Southport

All caught on CCTV.

Open "The Sun"

It's there on Page One, you'll see.

I'm just a Scouser

I need some help

Because I'm Huyton-born, Huyton-bred

Once a Blue, now a Red.

Whatever the truth is, it doesn't really matter to me.

[Piano: Dumm di dum dum, dumm di dum dum]

Rafa! It's Stevie here.

I've just t.w.a.t.t.e.d a DJ

And they've taken him away.

Rafa, we were four points clear

But now I fear we'll throw it all away!

Rafa! Ooooooooooh.

Didn't mean to make you sigh

If I'm not back in time to play at Preston Tinker on, tinker on, my

career is all in tatters....

[Piano: Dum di dum di dum, dum di dum di dum]

Too late! It's Walton Jail.

I don't think that I can cope

I can't bend down for the soap.

Goodbye everybody - I've got to go

Gotta leave the Kop behind and face the Bench.

Rafa! Ooooooooooo! (Anyway the s.h.i.t blows) I don't want to go to jail I

sometimes wish I'd never joined Liverpoo-ool!

[Piano, guitar and stuff]

I see a little silhouetto of Hamman

There's more dosh, there's more dosh if I sign for Man City But joining

such a s.h.i.t.e team is very very frightening to me

Calling Barry

(It's Rick Parry)

Calling Barry

(It's Rick Parry)

Calling Barry! He's Magnific-o-o-o-o

I'm just a poor boy from a Scouse family He's just a poor boy from a

Scouse family Spare him his job says Co-Coach Sammy Lee

Piano: Tinkle, tinkle tinkle

Easy come easy go! Will you let me go?

It's me, La!

No! We will not let you go! Let him go!

It's me, La!

No! We will not let you go! Let him go!

No no no no no no!

Rafa! Sammy! Rafa! Sammy! Rafa! Sammy! Get me out!

A Big House con has a shower set aside for me! For meee!

For meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

[big Guitar Riff]

So you think you can say my career's in decline!

So you think you can suggest my kids are not mine!

Oh DJ! Can't do this to me DJ!

Just gotta get out! Just gotta get right outta here!

[More guitar and then the slow bit]

My career is now in tatters

Anyone can see

Nothing really matters! Nothing really matters to me!

Anyway the s.h.i.t blows!

Classic! lol lol lol

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Sparky

Sparky

Posted
Posted (edited)

Jumped in a cab last week and the driver took me home, on the way he took a wrong turn so i tapped him on the shoulder , he was startled he swerved to the right nealy running an old lady over and then he swerved to the left . i said "That was a bit extreme wasnt it i only tapped you on the shoulder " The taxi driver replied " im sorry my friend its my 1st day today , im used to driving a hearse "

Edited by Sparky
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